I won’t list all that I am going through but this is the toughest time in my entire life and I’m fairly certain anyone in my position would have taken their own life by now.
I’ve been a part of this church for about 8 months now, and the pastor and other staff know me pretty well. I’ve reached out to four people on staff to try and reach out for help. I do have a therapist and I’m not looking for anyone to "save me" from myself or whatever.
I just wanted to expand my community a little bit and confide in a few people about the hardships I’m going through. I have lost my entire family and I am only 30, so I am looking to just build connections and feel… loved. Yes. Accuse me of attention seeking. It’s exactly what I want: people to know me, to see me, people to feel like family. Home. And I thought church would be the place to do that.
1. The first girl keeps saying she’s going to meet with me for lunch and/or call me, but then flakes on me last minute because she’s "open to God’s plans" for her days and something ends up changing
2. The second pastor just told me that I should talk to this other woman because he isn’t equipped (fine, fair) to be there for my kind of story. I wasn’t asking for therapy I was reaching out to find someone to be on my side and pray with me and care about me.
3. Texted the other woman leader I was referred to because she’s also a counselor, told her I was having a really hard time. She told me she would call me later in the evening, never did.
\^ those are just some examples.
Anyway:
AITAH if I write off the entire church at this point? I feel like no one cares and I’m honestly already on my last leg here. I cannot take much more. I feel rejected and hurt and like the people at church – the one place people are SUPPOSED to care – don’t give a crap.
NTA, it’s your life.
That said, you should also increase the frequency of your therapy.
NTA you can leave a church for any reason. If you don’t feel like it’s the right one for you, and that you aren’t getting what you need from it, seek community elsewhere.
I’m sorry no one there followed through and was available to you. I’d say go check out some other churches, and also think about other interests you have and pursue those too. Take a class in something you’ve wanted to learn, look into groups at your local library, etc. I hope you find some community and support.
NTA. Sounds like this church is not the right fit for you.
I went through something similar (in trying to find the right church) and it took a long time for me because I gave up for a few years. I did find one in 2023 and it’s been amazing ever since.
The right community will see you and connect with you. Keep looking.
NTA. I would leave ASAP. that second pastor sounds like a real ahole. what kind of pastor says that to a parishioner?
NTA- I feel like you are in a “church” wherein they are more interested in what YOU can do for THEM, rather than a sense of community. Some warning signs I would avoid in a church are: 1. They are a mega-church. 2. They take donations but do not relay how those donations are used. 3. They hire and fire volunteers. 4. They do not provide a service without a payment. 5. They have “classes” that you can pay for to move up in the “leadership”.
I’m sorry you’ve not found your community and that you are going through a hard time. It’s okay to want to feel loved. That is a part of being human. We all want to feel loved. Personally, I’ve found more openness and love in atheism than in any religion. If a place flies a rainbow flag, I’m bound to make a friend because those are places that accept people as they are, not as they “should” be. I would recommend checking in your local area for hobby groups with hobbies you are interested in. Shared hobbies are likely to lead to better connections than religious ideology. I hope you find the love you are seeking.
NTA. These people sound like assholes though
Context: I am very involved in my church and love the Lord and my community very much.
I’m so sorry for your life circumstances and I hope the pain eases soon. I would find someone who you trust with your life, like a counselor, and then also find friends. I wish I could counsel people and love them the way they need it all the time, but I am unable to and trust someone who does it professionally. Go to someone you can trust with your vulnerability and who can for you proper tools to handle things when life gets to be too much. Also, alongside that, find friends you have similarities with (beliefs, life stages, hobbies, etc.) and let them into your life while also remembering they have their lives and difficulties as well. This allows a healthy balance and you are cared for mentally and relationally.
All that to say, I’m sorry this hasn’t been a good experience and they aren’t treating you with compassion and intentionality. It’s up to you what choice to make, but I think these people have made it clear that they are unwilling to take the time and effort for you, so I would move on.
NTA. Sometimes it takes some time to find a place where you feel welcomed and loved by all. Reaching out to a new church is not a bad thing. Besides the connections with people, you should feel your soul healing from the church. If not, keep serching.
Church may not be the best place to connect either. There are other places in the community where you can connect with people. Do you have a hobby? Sometimes you connect through some similar likes.
NAH but maybe your expectations are too high. Maybe try another church (go to two for some time even) to compare
NTA
Sorry you’re having a rough time but it sounds like you are trying to trauma dump on these people who are not equipped to help.
No, NTA. But also, please be wary of any church that will love bomb you at this difficult time. Look up the BITE model, and Google any church that would want to recruit you. Cults are notorious for seeking people going through a hard time.
Signed, someone who grew up on a cult religion that still seeks “golden” converts, AKA, anyone going through a major life change, because that is a prime time for them to put you under coercive control.
NTA. I wrote off a whole church m’self for similar reasons. I’m very sorry you’re going through it.
NTA but you might be looking for something the church isn’t really set up to provide. Have you looked for support groups for people who have lost family members? That might be a better fit where it’s expected of you to start your relationship with others by sharing your trauma and despair. That can be very alarming and off-putting for most people, at a church or otherwise.
ESH the church leadership for not following through when they told you they would talk to you. You for expecting so much from 3 people who you really haven’t seemed to make a connection with. You have a therapist, which is a good step. But it seems you should be asking them for references to some sort of grief support groups to be able to talk about what issues you are having more. It also seems like you need to join other groups to build up friendships. In your desire to build connection, you might be putting a lot of pressure on people. If you diversify your efforts more, cast a wider net, you may have better results.