I am M45 . My friends whom I have known for 20 years have a 15 year old daughter , let’s call her E .
For as long as I’ve known her , E is a bratty and disrespectful child . She would be 9 years old and cry if she didn’t get her way . If her parents shouted at her , she would shout back . I could never imagine my son ( now adult ) arguing back to me or being disrespectful . I’ve talked about this to E’s parents multiple times , and they agree . Back in the 80s this would never be acceptable .
This is the part where I struggle to see where I’m in the wrong . A few years ago we were on a beach trip with my friends , their daughter , her friend, and my ex wife . We dropped off E’s friend at her house and she didn’t even say thank you . I mentioned this in the car to my friends about how E’s friend has no culture …. I wasn’t speaking to E but she argued back to me that she does have culture . I got upset that she ( 11 ) argued back to me when children should be respectful towards adults . I may have raised my voice at her and we argued , but I think it was justified as she needs some discipline . I talked to my friends ( the parents ) and they ended up taking her phone away , looking through it and resetting it . She also got the privilege of messaging her friends taken away .
This year , I was planning a holiday with my friends . I didn’t want E going because if I’m being honest , I don’t like her presence . I’m not saying this to be rude , just being honest . I talked to her mother about this who said E also hasn’t been going to school for most of the year because of “ mental health issues “ . Well I am a 45 year old man and I have my issues too , but I still go to work …. So I don’t understand that excuse . I said to my friend that she doesn’t deserve to go . Going on vacation but not to school ?? Her mother didn’t say anything . I am an honest person and told my friend that she probably doesn’t go because she struggles to make friends and isn’t very well liked . I’ve known her since she was born . So her mother didn’t let her go but she still went !
I have noticed E’s father has moved away from me and I believe it’s because of her lying about me . I don’t believe I am in the wrong but I’d like to know . Please let me know .
YTA. She’s 11, do you really think you have the moral highground because you so so so desperately want an *11* year old girl to respect you? The world is on fire, people are actively dying and she has worry about her math test. The kids are not alright, they’re barely staying afloat as is. They don’t need your bullshit on top of that.
Yta
YTA – A child disagreeing with you does not equal disrespecting you. Other than that one thing I don’t see any mention of anything else you’ve taken issue with regarding E’s behavior. You, on the other hand disrespected her friend by talking badly about them when they weren’t present.
YTA.
The school situation is none of your business. You don’t know the details of why she isn’t in school, you aren’t her doctor – butt out and stop trying to tell her parents how to parent. You told her parents their daughter probably doesn’t have friends because she isn’t likeable- I wouldn’t be friends with someone who spoke about someone I cared about like this. If they go on holiday I’d agree that they are lousy parents because they should stick up for their kid.
‘I mentioned this in the car to my friends about how E’s friend has no culture …. I wasn’t speaking to E but she argued back to me that she does have culture . I got upset that she ( 11 ) argued back to me when children should be respectful towards adults’
In this situation, you were the rude one. You were criticising her friend in front of her – I don’t think it’s a bad thing that she spoke up for her friend. Sorry it bruised your ego.
E’s father is moving away from you because you have made it very clear you dislike his child. Why would anyone spend time with someone that tells them I dislike your kid and don’t want to be around them. It doesn’t sound like you have children of your own so I am not sure why you thought they would value your insight of their parenting. At 45 years old I would think you would have learned by now that unless someone asks for your opinion or advice you need to keep you mouth shut.
I can’t believe you would talk about an 11 year old having no culture in front of their friend. That is rude and disrespectful. I give it to E for defending her friend. That was really awful of you.
I have a hard time believing that you grew up in the 80’s. As a true child of the 80’s (I am 55) I was taught that respect was earned not given. You have done nothing to earn anyone’s respect.
YTA
YTA. You sound like you expect children to never challenge you. It’s one thing to not enjoy the presence of a child, but you seem to take it weirdly personally. Bratty children are annoying, but judgmental adults who are triggered by children are absolutely insufferable in their own way.
First you told them that their daughter “didn’t deserve to go” on a vacation, and then you just decided to pronounce judgment that “she struggles to make friends and isn’t very well liked”?
After doing that, you want to blame the daughter because her father “moved away” from you?
No, it’s quite likely that he doesn’t want to be around you because YTA.
I don’t know if your relationship with your friends is close enough for you to butt in to this extent.
>She would be 9 years old and cry if she didn’t get her way
That’s not her fault. Her parents trained her to do this by caving in whenever she cried. She just did what kids naturally do until they’re taught more productive ways to achieve their goals. They trained her with this shortcut.
Here’s where I think that YTA:
>I mentioned this in the car to my friends about how E’s friend has no culture …. I wasn’t speaking to E but she argued back to me that she does have culture . I got upset that she ( 11 ) argued back to me when children should be respectful towards adults
Respect needs to go both ways. You can’t trash talk her friend and expect her to sit there quietly and nod. Maybe you just shouldn’t be bullying little kids. You’re modeling disrespect and then wondering why the children who look to you as a model act so disrespectfully. If you want kids to be respectful, show them how to do that.
Saying, “Thanking someone who gives you a ride is good manners,” is the way to teach respect. Saying, “This kid is uncultured,” is not. Attack the action, not the child.
YTA. You don’t like her because you, a man in his 40s had a shouty argument with her, an 11 year old girl, 4 years ago. What are doing shouting at a kid who isn’t yours? And now, she doesn’t deserve to go on vacation because she hasn’t been at school for mental health reasons. It isn’t normal, or in any way right, to punish someone for having mental health issues at any age, let alone a 15 year old. I suspect E’s father has moved away from you because he’s finally realized you’re unbearable.
YTA even if the kid is poorly behaved, it’s not your job to talk badly about every poorly behaved kid in your social circle. Her parents know about her behavior. They probably hear it from everyone. You are not helping in any way.
As for the issue in the car, you, an adult, drop off an 11-year-old and proceed to talk badly about the kid to everyone in the car? Come on. Maybe the kid’s parents never taught them the behavior you expect, but you are an adult who is regularly denigrating young children. You raised your voice and argued with some else’s little kid. Not a great example of appropriate social behavior.
It is not your child. You don’t get to decide about school and vacation and the best way to handle the mental health issues you know nothing about.
If you don’t want to spend time with E, just don’t. But stop your constant criticism of the child of your friends.
YTA your whole post is sprinkled with this condescension. You, a grown adult, can just say whatever falls out of your mouth, but a child with mental health struggles can’t defend her friends? Do you think this post makes you sound like you aren’t throwing a childish temper tantrum over someone you can’t bully into obedience?
You don’t have to like her behavior, and you don’t have to want to go on vacation with her, but you do need to act like an adult and not expect someone to bow to your whims and opinions simply because you didn’t die in childhood. She’s not a manipulative master mind, and if what you’ve written is indicative of your attitude, I wouldn’t want to be around you either.
YTA.
You’re the spitting image of every single Boomer stereotype, I swear to god. Screaming at and insulting a little girl to her face, pulling the “respect your elders” card when she tries to defend herself, and denying E’s struggles with “omg lol just get over it”? You sound insufferable.
YTA. Stop talking to your friends about their daughter.
It’s none of your business.
If you don’t want E going on vacation with you, don’t ask your friends to go.
YTA for thinking it’s OK to be rude as long as you say “I’m not saying this to be rude , just being honest.” You seem to be “honest” a lot here. It’s not your role to discipline someone else’s child (especially if your idea of discipline is to get in a shouting match with her) or to tell them how to raise her. If you don’t want to go on holiday with that family, don’t, but you can’t just pick and choose which family members can come. “I have noticed E’s father has moved away from me and I believe it’s because of her lying about me.” Blame the child if you want. You might do better to consider whether your actual behavior is driving him away.