I (29M) have been casually seeing this woman (28F) for about 4 months. She has three young sons, two of which are autistic (in case that changes the ruling). I have been very firm with her about boundaries when it comes to the children, but she seems to keep pushing them (don’t want to get into details and risk getting taken down for being too close to a relationship advice post). Anyway, a couple of days ago, she said she wanted me to dress up as Santa for her kids for Christmas. I told her I would think about it but that I was uncomfortable with doing it. I am a big guy, to put it nicely (6′ upper 300 to 400 depending on the month) and since high school anytime someone has done ANYTHING Christmas related I’ve been asked to be Santa because I was the fat guy with the beard. It kept bothering me and making me nervous on a deeper level, so I asked ChatGPT (I know, I know, but I didn’t want to talk to any of my friends about this) and it suggested the reason I was feeling uncomfortable was because she was trying to put me into a parental role too quickly and without my full consent. So tonight, on the way home, while on the phone with her, she brought it up again, and I flat out told her no. She sounded sad and irritated and accused me of "spoiling Christmas." I told her I was trying to avoid spoiling next year because children cling on to things like that and begin to expect it, and since we aren’t together, who knows if we will still be seeing each other next year. After that, she said she was going to bed, and I heard her grumbling when she got off the phone. So AITA for not wanting to play Santa for the children of a woman I’m not even officially dating?
Edited for clarity and mistakes.
Well I’d say your NTA in general, you have boundaries, you told her what they were and held firm, nothing wrong with that.
But if you want your relationship with her to grow into something more doing things your partner really helps that. So just be aware that it does create more distance between you two.
But also lastly it’s not like this is 100% a relationship killer. It’s possible that your relationship can grow and become whatever you want it to be. Just depends on a bunch of things I don’t know about your relationship.
My ruling NTA.
NTA. This is like those AHs that ask for discounts and then accuse the person of ruining Christmas. This is a big red flag. I’d run fast and far.
NTA but u def overthought it. Going in the whole suit and get up u would be relatively unrecognizable at least for the kids. I’d literally do it for a strangers kids, but everyone has their boundaries and this one is yours.
NTA, but using chatGPT to tell you what you’re feeling is wild lmao. I’d imagine more likely is that you’re sick of being asked to be Santa because you’re the fat guy, and potentially find it degrading. on top of that it’s entitled of her to assume that you’d do that for her kids when you’re not officially dating and haven’t been around each other for even half a year.
NTA OP – quite the opposite in fact. I’d say you have above average emotional IQ given that you were able to articulate your boundaries rather ckearly.
Here’s my suspicion – this ‘feels’ wrong because you’re being objectified. I have been in similar situations and it sucks.
Sadly it seems your paramour is not on the same level as you and prefers to behave like a child instead of respecting your position.
Luckily this isn’t a de facto ‘relationship’ so breaking ties should be relatively uncomplicated.
FWIW – if you not wanting to he Santa ‘ruins’ Christmas for her kids then maybe she’s not the mom she thinks she is?!
Needed to ask ChatGPT to tell you how to feel about something you’ve felt your whole life, YTA just not for the reason you originally asked
Definitely NTA. If they are autistic and small its HIGHLY likely they would hate this sort of thing and its not hard for kids to figure out what’s actually going on. Kids know a lot more than you think they do even if they don’t let on to it. So many kids just cry from seeing Santa in the suit at the mall. Dressing up as Santa is taking it a little too far especially for an only 4 month relationship, and the kids might hate it. Either that or they will cling to that idea and expect to see Santa every year as you said.
Technically you are never supposed to see Santa on Christmas eve, he’s supposed to come in, do his thing and leave without a notice other than a few cookie crumbs left over.
I used to do the whole thing when I was a kid. My parents let me put out food for Santa. I used to make him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I guess I thought the guy wanted more than cookies. I did put those out too. I didn’t find out until I was much older that my grandfather actually ate all the food after I did that and left the crumbs, lol. Grandpa was Santa.
NTA Dammit, OP, don’t make me agree with chatgpt!
NTA- This was a big, weird ask from the start.
The fact that your current GF asked you to do this was super-weird. There are mall santas in every place under the sun. Why would it need to be you. You told her NO for your own reasons.
Anything beyond that is her being totally weird (again).
PS: as the parent of a mildly ASD kid (and as a mildly ASD person myself) please believe that they’d suss out your voice right away. Kids aren’t stupid, and lots of ASD kids have awareness levels that would shame CIA agents. We know when something seems hinkey.
If they noticed that “Santa” sounded like mom’s BF, I’d expect them to winkle your ID out within a few minutes.
Why would mom want to potentially ‘ruin’ Santa by having her BF (no matter how jolly you may be) act as Santa?!?
You seem like a good, kind soul. Follow your gut instincts.
NTA whenever I see a post about someone pressuring someone into doing something they don’t want to do, or making it so obvious that they are manipulating them for setting a boundary, I get so sad. This is not healthy, and so early on. You shouldn’t have to put up with manipulation. You deserved to have her say, “I completely understand.” And carry on a healthy and happy conversation. This early on, it’s a huge red flag, that she feels this comfortable making you feel this uncomfortable.
You shouldn’t be dating this woman. She’s looking for a man willing to be the father figure to her children. You’re wasting her time.
I agree with your assessment. She’s not looking for something casual. She wants a man in her life and someone to partner with. That’s not what you want OP from what I can tell. I would say move on and let her find someone else if you’re wanting to just keep it casual.
>I have been casually seeing this woman for about 4 months. She has three young sons, two of which are autistic (in case that changes the ruling). I have been very firm with her about boundaries when it comes to the children, but she seems to keep pushing them
You’re not compatible with this person and I don’t think you should be pretending otherwise. If you don’t want to deal with children (and that’s totally fine) you should not be with her