For context, me (24f) and my best friend (25f) have been friends since middle school, and even after high school, we still stayed in touch. We would hang out nearly every other week with her boyfriend, and it was genuinely one of the funnest times that I had, we even joked about me being a bridesmaid as I was like their “kid” or “little sister” at the time.
And then I got a boyfriend…my bf and my best friend did not like each other, they kind of bickered at each other when we would all hang out. After that, I wasn’t asked anymore to hang out. She would say that it’s because our schedules are pretty tight or I would ask if my boyfriend could join us (that wasn’t true), and I would tell her that if she would ask, I would make time just so we can hang out. She started hanging out with other people, and they’re genuinely so nice and fun to hang out with. There was a time I did ask her why we wouldn’t hang out again, and she said that the was mourning a friend of hers and the friends she’s been hanging out with were close to her because of the tragedy, and I completely understood, so I stopped asking. She said she would hang out with them or would only hang out with people that would basically force her to hang out with them, and she was feeling very depressed. I wanted her to have her space to grieve.
This was months ago. Ever since then, she would post about her hang outs with the other friends she made, and I would support her, why not, she’s my best friend. There was even a point where she said that she asked me multiple times to go to her graduation ceremony (she only asked me the day of by saying “hey are you busy today,”) and when I did see her message, I just saw that she was being proposed to during the ceremony. It hurt so much to not be there. For months, I felt like it was on me, I would go through our texts to see if maybe I did miss an invitation or something for her graduation…there was nothing other than the day of question.
This weekend, she is getting married, and I’m so happy for her. My boyfriend did not want to go ask they don’t like each other and believes that she doesn’t see me as a best friend anymore and I didn’t think much of it. I went to the ceremony today, and I found out that she had bridesmaids…and it hit me, she never asked me nor considered to ask me. When she was taking a picture with her bridesmaids, I just could not help but breakdown, it hurt so much. We did take pictures in the friend group picture, but I felt so hollow. I felt useless, I felt replaced. The big party is tonight and I just can’t make myself go, I already cried too much, but I’m scared of what she will say if I don’t go, I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend offered to go eat dinner with me tonight to help my brain get out of those thoughts, but I can’t shake the feeling of being so alone right now. Am I in the wrong for not going to the big wedding dinner? Am I the asshole?
Edit #1: some people are asking for more context, here you go. So before we started dating, I had a lot of free time (I was unemployed at the time) and I didn’t have any issues or any problems with my best friend. When I did start dating my boyfriend, her bf and mine kicked it off really well, they would send each other memes, he even helped my bf look into jobs at the time. My boyfriend did notice that the dudes that that friend group were very close to the point where they would send memes like “AYO let me hit?” And her bf joked along with it, but when she found out, she told me to control my boyfriend before she does it herself, and they were forced to stop texting. After that, the other guys would be joking like that to each other, but my boyfriend wasn’t allowed. After that, there was a point when I was talking to my best friend on how I wasn’t on meds and I need a better way to explain to my bf on how I am without my meds, and she said that if he doesn’t get it then I should end it with him. I thought she was joking and told her that it’s going to be fine, but looking back at it, I don’t think she was joking. (He completely understood the meds situstion and helped me through it luckily)
He never stopped me from hanging out with her or anyone, he actually was the one to suggest me to hang out with her and to support her. He was going to go to the wedding until I told him about how she was ignoring me and he did not like how she was treating me. And her wedding day landed on the day that one of high school classmates died years ago (they were a friend of mine).
NAH. You friendship has shifted and it means more to you than it does to her. I think the best thing you can do is stop prioritizing the relationship. She doesn’t want it and it is hurting you. Invest into other friendships instead.
“I already cried too much, but I’m scared of what she will say if I don’t go”
Look at this sentence. For whatever reason, she has chosen to pull away, not asked you to be a bridesmaid, not made you a priority, and you’re incredibly hurt by it. What on earth are you scared of? What do you imagine she’ll say? And what difference does it make?
For some reason, you’re putting her feelings, her preferences *way* above your own. You get to be hurt and you get to decide not to go. You get to make your own decisions. That’s what *she’s* doing — why can’t *you?*
You said she was mourning a friend during the time you were being essentially replaced. Do you think bt her saying that, it was just a telltale sign the the friendship she was mourning was yours or do you k ow for a fact that some friend she had actually died? It could be that she saw that her and your bf wouldnt get along so in her eyes you chose him which is why she distanced herself. I know it sounds like im reaching but thats exactly where my mind went from that one line.
Also with how much she distanced herself from you, i would say Nta. It seems like this friendship ran its course. She hasn’t tried reaching out to you and doesnt sound like she is too saddened by the fact that you weren’t part of her big day.
she’s not your best friend. You have grown apart. It happens.
I have to agree with your bf. For whatever reason, she has not seen you as her “best friend” for a while now. I don’t think we have enough of the story to know why. I think you’re clinging to a relationship she is telling you she doesn’t want anymore.
NAH.
NAH
Your friend isn’t wrong to decide she’s outgrown a close friendship with you, but you aren’t wrong for not wanting to be stuck trailing behind someone who no longer values you the way they used to.
Frankly, I think walking away is healthiest for you both.
It’s rough when a friendship dies – often even worse than a romantic break up – but it is a part of life. If the two of you are making choices antithesis to each other, it’s time to remember the good times fondly and let the bad times remind you why you don’t spend time together anymore.
My dear, she told you she was “mourning a friend of hers” and that “the friends she’s been hanging out with were close to her because of the tragedy”. The friend she’s “mourning” is YOU, OP. Since you seemed to be choosing your bf over her, she appeared to believe the relationship between the two of you was gone.
That’s why she hasn’t had time for you, or why any time that mattered to her left you as an afterthought. Don’t go to dinner. Take the time to mourn the relationship yourself, and look to the future. I’m sorry that future doesn’t include her.
You’ve clearly grown apart. You are NAH, but you do seem to struggle with reality/reading social situations if, after not being included in numerous get-togethers, you still expected to be included in the wedding party.
This girl is not your best friend. Not any more. She has moved on and you need to move on too.
Sometimes t’s hard but it happens in life.
You are NTA and if you are this upset then you are right not to go.
I don’t love that your bf took you away from your best friend due to constant bickering, but now he has you all to himself. I’m sorry you lost your friend. Friendships ebb and flow in life, but it sounds like your bf is the reason she stopped being able to be around you.
That’s what you got out of that?
OP clearly stated they reached out to the best friend to try to spend time with her and she wouldn’t set plans. The boyfriend did NOT keep OP from seeing her friend.
Friends do come and go; it’s a normal part of life. If you burn the friendship bridge by making her wedding all about you, there is much less chance that friendship can resume in the future. It’s too bad you couldn’t see your way to help her celebrate because you felt slighted. Next time try to be the bigger person. NTA but look beyond yourself next time.
Well your decision is going to affect whether or not you’ll be friends with this gal in the future. If you don’t go be prepared for the end of that friendship.
You were besties growing up and have fond memories, but she’s moved on. That can hurt but it’s pretty common. Try to accept it with grace and reframe how you view your friendship to what it is *now* than in the past.