AITA So my husband (28M) and myself (28M) were at a friend’s birthday party. We had decided not to stay too late as my husband had worked night shift the evening before and was of course very tired. Around 23:00 he said he wanted to go home. So I started to great all of the people. He then got distracted several times still hanging around, which puts me in an awkward position cause I’ve already greeted people. So I told him we have to go, can he please stop getting distracted.
Then all of a sudden he got very angry at me. Telling me that all I ever do is scold him out for stuff whoever he tries to have fun. (It should be noted he was very tipsy at least at this point). I don’t drink at all.
Finally get home, he just goes straight upstairs and gets into bed. I try to talk to him about why he is now upset with me. He just doesn’t want to talk.
I got very angry at this point because I struggled at the party. I have ASD and parties are hard for me. I also came home and did the usual few minutes of hating myself for being different and not just being able to have fun like everyone else. So I was also not in a good space.
He was still awake so I tried to talk to him again. Just saying I don’t know what I did? I don’t know why he is angry? He just shouted at me that for once could i not complain about everything?
We then went to bed, he only woke up at 14:00 the next day, seeing as he didn’t sleep much post night shift. I tried waking him up at 12:00 and then again at 14:00, both times with coffee. He eventually woke up around 15:00.
So I asked him if he is still angry at me, so I said okay. I’m sorry that we fought and went downstairs. Thinking it’s over now. After about 30 min I go back up and he is still just laying in bed on his phone. So I asked if he is coming downstairs, he said no.
So I said then what is going on? What did I do? What is happening? He said why don’t I just leave him alone. He said I must leave him alone until he stop sticking the joy out of everything or every time he tries to have a good time. Which really hurt me and I just left.
Later he started getting dressed and bathed, so I asked are you going out. And he said yes. I asked where are you going? (We have an arrangement, we always let each other know where we are going, and we are safe there) He just asked why do I want to know? Then some part of the interaction that I cannot quite remember exactly, I asked something and he just said are you dumb? And that I should stop pushing him to have this conversation.
So I asked why are you treating me like this? I don’t understand. I don’t know what is going on. And he just said he wants to.
I know it’s best to sometimes just give him some time and space. But am I the asshole here? Or is this just starting to feel like this is not how we should treat each other in a marriage?
I don’t know what to do
NTA but as someone who likes to do my own thing and have my own space you do sound like you can be a bit annoying INFO does he always treat you like this? Or is this out of nowhere?
No, I guess he has always been like this. But not this bad.
And I get that I can be annoying, I’ve heard it my whole like. Bearing in mind that with my ASD I sometimes struggle to judge social interactions well.
My question is just, I feel like he is being unnecessarily mean to me. He never at any point in the beginning said I just need some time or leave me alone for a bit. If he tells me, then I know that’s what he needs and don’t mind to do it.
But maybe I am the problem
NTA but honestly sounds like you both need to have this conversation when he’s actually sober and rested. Night shift + drinking + being exhausted is a bad combo. The “are you dumb” comment is way out of line though, tired or not. You guys need to actually talk this through when he’s in a better headspace.
NTA calling you dumb (huge red flag) after he was treating you like you’re dumb for expressing its time to leave when that was the boundary he confided in you about is really dumb. I’m sorry you’re being treated in a way you don’t deserve. Yes, people need time to cool off, but to keep disregarding feelings and procrastinating an important conversation, but having time to insult you? All to then go out and disregard a boundary set between you two (discussing where you go). Something bigger is going on here. Choosing to make you look bad (tipsy, drunk, sober or not) in front of people is so sad.. Be clear with your boundaries, and explicit about your feelings, and if he can’t handle these things, than I wouldn’t recommend you spend the rest of your life with a person who doesn’t value you. Sticking to your boundaries is more important than setting them. Stand up for yourself.
You should stop taking his word as gospel. Start verifying your own wants and needs.
A good place to start is to determine for yourself how you want to be treated. What your expectation for receiving respect are, and so on and so on.
Write it down if you have to. Something to use as a tool might be to figure out what you would tell a sister or a friend who would come to you with that question.
Than you need to let go of the image of your partner. Actions speak louder than words. Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive. Nobody deserves that.
Being completely ignored is abusive. Dismissing you is disrespectful. Telling you your opinion does not matter, is disrespectful.
Partnership is about equality. Having ASD means that you need certain communication and predictable actions to be comfortable and prepared for things happening.
Getting drunk is not an excuse.
So, figure out where your boundaries are. Communicate those and stick to them. When met with violence and aggression, be it physical or in words or in silence (by ignoring you), will tell you what you need about your partner.
You will have to decide if that dynamic is what you want to sign up for the rest of your life together.
If he is willing to work on it with a relationship therapist, good. Be aware that the efforts are put in and bare fruit outside therapy. Actions (also in change) speak louder than words (promises).
Good luck girly, you know what is right and what is not. Don’t be afraid of what you might loose in the short term. Be aware that you take care of yourself first. Only then are you able to take care of someone else.
Pfoe NTA, esp for what happened at the party. He shouldnt have gotten mad like that. And while it is important to talk it out, when he is drunk (so same night) or sleeping off his drunkness (morning after) really isnt the right time. It is oke to wake him after a long sleep, but dont start talking about it while he is still laying in bed right after waking.
You sound a bit insecure and needy the way you went about it, while he wasnt in a state talk respond back properly. He then responded like an asshole each time, at the party and in the morning, both making it worse and worse. It sounds like for him things are building up and his frustration came out. Best is to leave it be untill he is up himself and can respond properly again, then you can tell him youd like to talk about the party and what happened when would be a good time?
However, if this is not a one off, consider couple therapy. Especially when one partner has ASS and the other doesnt, sometimes it takes a neutral therapist to build the bridge to understand eachother again. Because what happened doesnt sound healthy (for either, but def not the way he talks to you). If he is not open to that and this happens a lot… reconsider if this is how you want to live your life
NTA this totally out of line. He’s embarrassed that he made a fool of himself but to take it out on you like this is very concerning behaviour. I recommend going to a close friend for advice
NTA. Just…like he’s not being a good person here. He’s irritable for reasons that seem to go beyond the party and seem more about his own unhappiness and inability to properly communicate this to you. So he snaps at you and calls you names. That’s not something a supportive spouse should do and you should let him know that regardless of how he feels, that was unacceptable.
It’s fine for him to be upset. We can be mad. We can want to have space to ourselves. What we can’t do is demean our loved ones in the process. He should have told you that he loves you, but that he needs space to process this. That would have paused you asking about all this. But he was being avoidant in a non-constructive way and it seems he wanted to be destructive.
It’s up to you to decide if this is something you find acceptable in your life. I certainly wouldn’t be okay with it.
I dont understand why you tried to wake him up. No one ever reacts well to being woken up into demanding conversation.
He was wrong for calling you dumb. You was really badgering onto him tho. It sounds like he clearly consistently needed to be alone, expressed it clearly and you just ignored it.
ESH here. No this is not how people treat each other in marriage. There is also seemingly a long term ressentment building up that blow that evening.
NTA. Your husband said he wanted to leave, you started saying goodbyes (which is hard with your ASD), then he got distracted. Your reminder was reasonable. His response is completely disproportionate.
What concerns me: he’s stonewalling you for 24+ hours, calling you dumb, saying cruel things like you suck the joy out of everything, and refusing to explain what actually upset him. Even if he was tired and tipsy, this level of contempt and silent treatment isn’t okay.
This isn’t about who’s the asshole in one fight. This is about whether he treats you with basic respect during conflict. Healthy partners don’t call each other dumb or deliberately withhold communication to punish you.
You deserve to understand what’s wrong and to be spoken to kindly, even when he’s upset. Consider whether couples counseling might help, because this pattern of handling conflict is really damaging.
NTA
He said he was ready to leave, you told ppl goodbye and then he was intoxicated and lingering which felt awkward for you because you’d already said goodbye
He’s acting like he’s in a pissy mood and he isn’t sure why but he’s VERY sure it’s not his fault and that it’s all yours. And you are acting very eager to take the blame and so you are.
When things don’t make sense like this please don’t be so quick to assume it’s because of ASD and that it’s something you did or didn’t do.
NTA but he doesn’t respect you and he’s removed the mask.