Hi y’all long time lurker first time poster and on a throw away account as this is a super sensitive subject to me personally.
Last weekend my husband (32M) and I (29F) attended the first big family get together as a couple.
Great Grandmas 95th birthday we are at a restaurant with maybe 30-40 people in our group.
I’m being introduced to the cousins, aunts, in-laws ect. Then comes (fake name) aunt Ellen she looks at me hugs me (okay ask next time but whatever) welcomes me to the family and then goes ‘Mother in law (MIL from now on) has told me about you and your wig looks amazing I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t been told’ I kinda just froze up.
For context I do my best to hide I wear wigs I’m ashamed and embarrassed by it, it’s my single biggest insecurity. Only a handful of people know my mother in law was informed in case she ever came to our house and saw me unexpectedly.
So I’m standing with this woman who I’ve just meet who is now asking questions but because I’m the newest member of the family people are walking over to meet me so they are also over hearing this I have bad social anxiety so I have gone mute as a gaggle of older women have started talking to each other and me about the wig. Some where rude some where respectful but the fact they knew and the only way they would have been told was my MIL my husband has made his way back from getting us drinks. He sees and hears what is happening and ushers me away quickly we go to the smoking area and I start crying he’s mad because the only way anyone knows is MIL he can tell I’m having anxiety attack so he orders an uber tells great grandma we are leaving and sent a strongly worded text as to why we left. And that was that I thought
The next day we get inboxes, calls and texts from a few family members including MIL that we where rude and disrespectful for leaving so soon into the night and we made idiots of ourselves and the relatives where just curious.
I feel like an asshole now so does my husband and maybe should have just sucked it up but my Brother in law is saying we did the right thing.
So reddit we were the assholes for leaving and ‘ruining’ the night?
This is your husbands family so really he’s in charge of the relationships. He ordered the uber and decided that you should leave. You have a keeper. NTA and neither is your husband. Your MIL violated your privacy causing you pain and your husband was protecting you and standing up for you.
I completely agree with this. You have a wonderful, loving husband and a kind, supportive BIL. I’m so sorry your MIL was disrespectful and that the aunt behaved like a mean girl. You deserve better. Sounds like your husband is breaking a cycle. Wishing you the best and I hope that the words of encouragement here will help give you the strength to face them at the next gathering should you elect to attend! You’ve got this! 💗
I was willing to give MIL the benefit of the doubt for telling a trusted confidant… but Ellen knew what she was doing. She purposefully said that to you to make you feel exactly like you did. Some poisonous and insecure people will fake nice you as they stab you in the side… they get a kick out of it… makes them feel better for their inadequacies.
NTA You don’t have to play this game. My advice is to practice a cool response in the mirror so that you can whip it out on time if anyone ever does this to you again.
This is the crux of it. That information, which is absolutely and obviously nobody’s business, was shared so it could be weaponized. You are stepping into a nest of vipers. Your husband has your back and is handling this the right way. I wish you luck and peace.
NTA
NTA. And your husband sounds like a good egg. Sorry you experienced this!
NTA, tell your MIL that she created the asshole situation with her big mouth and that she violated your trust and put you in an untenable situation. Tell her that forgiving her lack of good judgment might be difficult. Tell her how dare she violate your trust?
With people like that you either avoid them, which I’m sure many do or you fight back. I am sensitive about how hard it is to lose weight, for instance, and my stubborn pear shaped figure. I used to cringe when other people would make snarky remarks.
When I finally felt confident enough to respond I came up with a zinger. A classmate in a dance studio made a comment about my “fat thighs” I responded that my husband liked them. He said they keep his ears warm. She never bothered me again.
If you feel like lobbing Auntie Mean’s snark back, come up with a few and go into social occasions armed. It never hurts to carry a verbal taser when people see you as easy prey.
Set those boundaries now with your mother-in-law. If she is willing to do this to your personal information, imagine what will happen if you have kids. She has already shown that she is not willing to protect your privacy and keep personal information to herself. She will stomp those boundaries over and over unless you firmly take care of this right now. I would not tell her anything else of a personal nature, and I would give very general and one word answers. She is definitely the AH. Now if you would really like to stir some shit I would be tempted to go around and tell family and friends something personal about her that they don’t know, even if I have to exaggerate a little bit. And when it gets back to her, and it will get back to her, I would just tell her Oh I thought it was okay to tell everyone’s personal information. But I can be Petty like that.
These people are unfair unkind noisy demanding useless invasive entitled
I am glad your husband defending you because: You, whatever kids he ever has with you ever, He, are : HIS FAMILY that He + You Must Teamwork-with, value, provide for, listen to, talk with, love, build, prioritize, respect, and defend
Block All Bullies
Your REAL Family Friends Spouse will be on YOUR side
NTA
NTJ
Hopefully, SOON your health problems, etc , hair, wigs, etc, will be totally permanently cured
What a nasty bunch of gossips they all are.
NTA
At least you know that if you want everyone to know something, just tell MIL and aunt Ellen..
NTA. Your husband did great that night. What both of you need to realize is that his family isn’t all loving and supportive, there’s a seedy underbelly to it.
1. MIL gossiped about you to others. She was told of your situation and knew she was to keep it private. She didn’t. I’m willing to bet everyone there already knew.
2. Auntie is a pot stirrer. She brought it up to see what would happen. She knew there would be drama, and she wanted to see you squirm. Then others joined in, because screw you and your feelings.
3. They blame you for reacting (appropriately) to their rude behavior. This is how they gaslight and manipulate you. They scream as a group, it’s your fault. They try to manipulate you so they have free range.
Stop feeling bad. Start working with your husband on ways to keep them away. The first needs to be more MIL boundaries. She can no longer be privy to anything personal. She loses the access she had to you because now you know, under it all she’s gossiping poorly about you and blaming you for not rolling over and taking it. This will never end. You need to protect your peace.
I’m sorry this happened, but you also learned that your husband loves you and protects you and puts you first. So many others learned otherwise when their spouse sided with the family. Stop feeling guilty for other’s poor behavior and start protecting yourself by going lc or nc with certain members as needed.
NTA
I bet your brother-in-law can also tell some stories about boundary-stomping committed by his mother (or his MIL if he is the husband of your husband’s sibling and not your husband’s brother).
You are absolutely NTA. Your husband is amazing. He saw how upset you were and he called the Uber. He saw that his family treated you badly and removed you from the situation. He is definitely a keeper. Your MIL on the other hand is definitely the AH. She gossiped to those other family members about something that is a sensitive subject for you and that was really awful for her to do. I would recommend going LC going forward because if she could do this, she will do other things going forward. I’m so sorry this happened to you.