I’ll be keeping this as brief as possible, since I need to take a breather after what just happened.
So, I [27F] am very close to moving to a new apartment near my family. My preparations and packing have been going well, but I’m currently facing one issue: the move itself. I have a mild physical disability and have no car, so I always have to rely on the goodwill of others – something I’m pretty ashamed of.
Fast forward today:
Since I’ll be moving on December 1st, I’ve asked my mom [47F] if it’d be okay if she’d help me move only 2 boxes. The unpacking and storing in cabinets I’d do myself and I even said she could just drive home whilst I’d take the train back, since the boxes would be off my hands. She said yes, but she told me not to expect her to move anything else (never was my plan), that she herself had a hard enough time dealing with her own stuff and that she had to do her move on her own, a month back (not entirely true, she had my sister [20F] help her). I said I completely understood and that I only wanted the two boxes out of the way now so, but that she had the advantage of owning a car and I do not – I sadly can’t drive and carrying boxes onto a train or bus would be awkward. I also carefully told her that she had my sister help her carrying boxes and even painting the walls. I just wanted her to help me bring these two things. Again, she wouldn’t even have to unpack, she could just drive off and I’d be able to get back home without her by train and/or bus. She’d then try to shove the responsibility off: "Can’t you ask for a moving company to do it?" No, I don’t have the funds for that. "Wasn’t someone else going to help you, let THEM do it!" Yes, I have someone to help me, but they have a tiny car and would have to drive back and forth AT LEAST 8 times already. I wanted to aleviate the stress for both of us, just a little bit. I told my mom that I’d be willing to compensate later, but has since left me on read and now I feel like an AH for even asking her for help. I’m at a loss on what to do next, since I’m already stressed out, so AITA?
Quick edit: My mom and sister are the only family members I still actively talk to. Most have gone no contact with one another after numerous feuds I don’t want to go into detail about.
I think a little, esh. Shes overwhelmed. You’re overwhelmed. She said no. And youre pushing.
Also, how can you afford to move but not $300 to pay movers? Surely youre paying your friend that in gas alone if they are making 8 trips.
Also, how are you moving the big stuff like furniture?
My deposit is being paid by the government and I pay that off with a loan. I live in Belgium. I already paid my first rent in advance – which was 660 euros (about 767 USD), along with 50 euros general costs (58,11 USD) and a fee for the place description which was 275 euros (319 USD). My deposit was 1980 euros (2301,35 USD) and I’m paying that one off, as I said. The rest came straight from my pocket in one payment.
My mother did say “yes, but don’t expect me to move anything else”, which – again – was never my plan to begin with. Had she instantly said “no”, I’d have been fine and just looked for an alternative. As for the big furniture, I do have someone to help me with that, but they’d be having to drive at least 8 times, since they have a smaller car than my mom. Gas has already been paid too, we calculated that in advance.
And how much are you paying your friend for gas?
Also, they can fit furniture but not 2 boxes?
Not in full, that’s why they need to drive multiple times. Friend said about 50 euros is fine (58,11 USD). I know it’s nuts to just have two boxes transferred in advance, but it would make the moving date at least a bit less stressful. There’s also a weird situation going on with my landlord who demands the keys back next week until he gets a report about my insurance (which is pretty much already arranged). The only reason I have the keys for now is because he allowed me to already move some stuff in. He said “not the whole pack”, so I limited it to 2 boxes. I have the email with me to confirm that. It’s in Dutch, but I’d happily translate.
I’m aware the whole situation is odd though and am willing to answer what other questions you have 🙂
It is odd..im sorry you’re dealing with it. I don’t t think yta to ask. Its gets gray when a person says no or starts to make excuses or gives push back. And you still continue to ask them. I’d just strap those two boxes to a couch. Spend $3 to buy some furniture straps.
I appreciate your input and will look into buying those straps 🙂
NAH. You’re desperate for help, so I can understand you asking your mom, but she’s middle-aged and just went through the hassle of moving herself recently. Hardly anyone likes to help others move, no matter how little, especially when they’re no longer very young, as fit or as carefree, so I also get her irritation at being asked.
Going forward, I strongly suggest you budget for moving costs. As you’ve seen yourself, relying on the charity of others is no way to live. It only adds more coordination and stress to an already super stressful time and it can strain relationships. Also, what would you do if no one could help for free? You have to find a way to pay for moving, no? So, do that next time and save yourself this massive headache…
Before asking her, I did ask a budget moving company for help. No responses. If I know I can do something myself, I do it and will continue to do so if and when my life allows it. I simply didn’t expect the payments I’ve done to be that high. Some landlords don’t have a place description done by a professional nor do they not always have a real estate agent to help them rent a place, which influences costs. I have learned my lesson though and will save up more, just in case 🙂 I haven’t moved much in my life yet 😅
NAH. You can ask, she can decline – but you need to accept her response.
Moving is a big thing to ask of anyone, and really, you need to work out alternative plans if you can’t find anyone to help you in return for beer and pizza afterwards (or whatever the usual trade-off is for such a favour in your area).
I’ve moved a lot, and I’d be the first to argue that if you’re moving any distance you need to deal with an official and properly insured moving company (which is expensive) or move with only what you can carry. For smaller distances, there’s often a much cheaper alternative like hiring a “man with a van” who offers such local services at cheaper prices. Of course, sometimes you can’t afford either a big moving company or a man with a van, but you need to find some kind of backup plan in case the person you had in mind can’t or won’t do it.
I’ll do that. Thank you for your input 🙂
NTA. You asked for help moving two boxes, not for her to paint your entire apartment or haul furniture. She had support during her move but is acting like you’re asking the world. Suggesting a moving company when she knows you can’t afford one is dismissive. You’re not entitled or ungrateful for asking your parent for a very small, reasonable favor
That is what I initially thought too. I was even willing to compensate her for her help. Literally anything, but I did feel like I was pestering her after a while
don’t take it too serious. don’t let the situation to affect you. there are more important things