I \[21\] am a nonbinary person who has been going by my chosen name, which I will say is Danny, and have been using they/them pronouns since my sophomore year of high school, and now I am a senior in undergrad. I am an art major, and at the end of the year, we have an art show showing off our art; it’s basically the art major capstone. Everyone in college calls me Danny; only a few know my deadname, but don’t use it. My parents, especially my mother, do not like the fact that I am nonbinary and have changed my name. For context, my mother is roman catholic and has many times shown she doesn’t support those in the lgbtq+ community. She has told me many times that it is a sin to want to change the body and mind that god has given you. Mind you, she knows that I am not Christian and that I practice a religion she deems as witchcraft. My mother has countless times invalidated my identity, and as long as I’m not the perfect cisgendered straight Christian person she wants me to be, the invalidating will only continue. Anyways, I want to have all the labels on my art pieces say Danny, and when we do our artist talk, I want to say my name is Danny, because that is my name. I am afraid that if I invite them and I use Danny, they will cause a scene because my mother has done so in the past. The show is an accumulation of everything I and the other senior art majors have worked for in these 4 years. My art and my artist career is so sacred to me, and I don’t want to risk her and my father making a scene and ruining not only my night but the other artists. my mother has asked about the art show and told me to "make sure we know the date," and I simply said okay, knowing full well i was lying and wasn’t going to tell them
What might make me the ahole is the fact that I am refusing to tell them when and where the show is. I specifically ignore them when they ask about it and have not explicitly invited them or told them they were invited. I don’t feel like I am in the wrong for this, but there is a little part of me that is saying I’m an asshole.
edit: My father doesn’t support me being nonbinary either, but he only relays it to my mother which I have to hear from her, thats why I don’t really mention my father as much
NTA
You’re basically an adult and can make your own decisions. While I’m sure that they want to attend to show their support, I’m not convinced that they would NOT make a scene about your name. If this is an important and special event to you, you are in control. I want to say you shouldn’t be lying about it, but again I don’t really know that they’d be able to handle it well or still respect your decision since they can’t even respect your name.
NTA. If you suspect they’ll ruin your special day, don’t invite them. The show is celebrating YOU and they have no business ruining it for you and for everyone else.
NTA. You can’t trust them to behave respectfully and appropriately and that’s an excellent reason to exclude them.
NTA – maybe they’ll understand how unwanted their opinions are here – that’d be nice.
Separately and more broadly, I uh, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but I hope you’re ready for dumb crap to happen at art events that you’re part of. Nevermind even for LGBTQ+ specific stuff, but for any reason. Some people show up drunk and are asshats, some people come in mid-couples-argument and make it everyone’s problem, some bring in kids that have no business being around such fragile things, some people will be clumsy and then immediately throw a shit-fit over what they did. Outside of a narrow window of curated artshow types, that’s going to happen a lot. I help a bunch of friends do setup for their assorted forms of art shows in varied sorts of venues, and it’s somewhat expected to have to deal with that every X number of shows.
You’re right to want to avoid the issue you identified here – I hope that separate of that you’re well and ready for the similar artshow challenges you’re not going to be able to head off.
NTA. This is the consequences of your parents’ own actions – they have continually denied your own identity, going so far to say that it is a sin. What do they expect? It is just logical that you would pull away from them. You deserve to have an event as important as this surrounded by people who *support* you, not people who deny you. And this event needs to be about you, not your mother’s beliefs. And her past behavior has shown that she will do exactly that.
So, do not feel guilty about this. They can yell about this all they want, but this is their fault, not yours.
NTA. It’s sad you don’t trust them to act appropriately or to even honor the person you are. Do what preserves your peace and dignity.
NTA
If your parents have had a history of causing a ruckus over your name, they’ll do so again.
NTA but accept that they can probably get the art show info elsewhere and might show up anyway. Get in front of this possibility; why will you and others do if she rolls up.
Depending on whether you live at home and how often you talk to your parents, you might have a chance of trading their absence against some drama afterwards.
You tell your parents the show will be at [address/date/time], but you’d really rather attend the art show alone. They might not really accept that, but now they know the date and probably won’t look it up somewhere else.
The art show happens and your parents don’t show up. Afterwards, you thank them for respecting your wishes. They’re confused, because it seems you told them the show was at [address/date + 7 days/time]? Oops, so sorry, glitched a line in my calendar. Well, it can’t be helped now.
They’ll probably accuse you of lying and be mad (kind of justified), but at least you’ll have had an undisturbed art show.
NTA.
If you want to tell them that you’re worried they’ll make a scene, you can do that. You should probably be honest with them, but if they’ve made scenes in the past, I don’t think it’s wrong for you to avoid anything that can lead to this happening again.
If they were to make a scene, it would make for a memorable art show.
NTA you deserve to have a day celebrating you and your work, without the worry of her making a scene and being unsupportive.
NTA. At best, they’ve not earned the right to be there.
NTA
Your parents don’t respect you. Art is a representation of who you are, and if they want to appreciate your art, they must appreciate you. Which they don’t. So they have no right to be at your show. You have every right to ignore/lie to them.
NTA. When people disrespect our lives, they lose the privilege of being allowed to share it.
I am so sorry that your parents have fallen short of their duty to you. Sending much love. Hope the show goes well!