hello reddit. My wife "Patty" and I are in our mid thirties with no children, a cat, and a condo in a big city.
So, long story short, Patty’s mad at me because a couple months ago I made a rule for myself that, if we’re having a Big Talk about something, I don’t want to keep talking about it if she raises her voice or starts crying. And I’ve held to that rule I set for myself.
Her perspective is that emotions are normal and that she can’t stop herself from crying, she’s just a cryer. She feels judged and she is frustrated that I will simply put the brakes on a conversation and come back to it later.
My perspective is that I can *see and hear* Patty change how she approaches conversations after she gets frustrated. For example, if we’re discussing how much money to spend on flights somewhere, she’ll switch from debating pros and cons to one of those "fine, whatever, do whatever I GUESS" attitudes if she gets upset.
(not to psychoanalyze her but her family is very bad at conflict and I think she gets overwhelmed)
I think I am setting a reasonable boundary and Patty disagrees. AITA?
YTA. Emotions happen. Words and communication are the important things for these topics – if she’s not engaging productively, you should be able to recognize that and at that point I think switching gears is reasonable. But how you do it would also be important. If she has something to say and you just walk out of the room on her when she has a tear or is not happy with what you are doing (even legitimately), than that is a huge AH move. Having emotions or showing them does not preclude being productive or being right.
Do you listen to her opinion or just tell her she’s wrong and cut her off? I would get frustrated and cry too,
He 100% does this.
YTA because you are the one who is determining what “upset” means. You sound conflict avoidant and are blaming your wife and acting like you are the only level-headed person. Married people disagree sometimes and get emotional. Deal with it. Who cares if she cries? Some people do that under stress. I understand not wanting to engage if she’s yelling at you. Everyone ‘s interpretation of “raising her voice” is pretty subjective. If you care about your marriage, go to couples counseling to learn how to communicate better with each other.
Completely agree. People disagree and people display emotion – some more outwardly than others – but that doesn’t mean they can’t still work through the disagreement. She shouldn’t feel like she can’t display emotion around her husband. And yes, that includes raising her voice (not screaming or being abusive obviously, but it’s not unusual for a voice tone to reflect heightened emotion).
OP, you sound either controlling or conflict avoidant. Of you want your marriage to last, try talking to a therapist rather than imposing rules like this unilaterally and to your partner’s distress. YTA
Yeah I’ll bet OP describes himself as “rational”. YTA OP. You shouldn’t tolerate being yelled at but you’re refusing to communicate with her because she’s upset? That’s disrespectful because you are deeming her not capable because she’s getting emotional. Emotions are normal.
Also, your example of her saying “fine, do whatever” kind of makes it sound like she doesn’t feel listened to. Do you think she feels that way?
Also, it’s spelled “crier”, not “cryer”.
I think that inadvertently you’re attempting to control
Her emotions. She’s allowed to cry from frustration etc, some people genuinely just do that and they should be allowed to cry through things so long as it doesn’t derail the conversation.
I don’t think you being the sole arbiter or when you can discuss things is healthy or fair. That said, ultimately if she does the “fine I guess” thing that’s bad conflict resolution also:
You guys need to agree tools and ways of discussion together (probably with the help of a good therapist).
YTA
It’s fine to agree to take a break if the conversation is going no where.
To make a rule she can’t cry or you’ll leave the room
Or whatever you do is a little crazy.
Don’t know if you plan to have kids, but if you do you’re going to have a wake up call.
YTA. She’s right. If you shut down a conversation every time she gets emotional, you’re never going to have an important conversation. Hard topics DESERVE emotion.
This is similar to when someone says “I can’t talk about this right now” – OK when CAN you talk about it? Never. It’s never a good time to talk about it. If you bring up the subject at a “bad time” then you’re the asshole who makes a bad time worse. If you bring it up during a good time, you’re the asshole who ruined their good time. So real problems never actually get discussed, nothing ever gets resolved, the person with the problem always loses, and the person who gets to play the “I can’t talk about this now” card always “wins”.
Shutting her out every time she gets emotional is just a cruel move on your part. Feelings ARE normal. If she gets overwhelmed, HELP HER. Love her through it. Be patient. Listen to her side of things, genuinely try to see where she’s coming from, so that she CAN calm down and talk more rationally. She’s probably getting upset because you’re being an asshole.
If she’s getting upset, there’s probably a reason – something YOU’RE doing, or something that really hits a sore point for. Either way, as her partner, it’s up to you to HELP her, and to FIX the problem. Not just shut her down, leaving her feeling even more frustrated and abandoned.
You think you’re taking the high road, but how is leaving the person you supposedly love a mess with an unresolved problem the “right” thing to do? It’s not.
YTA, so are you going to use this as an excuse to make her cry because thats your ticket to nope out of a conversation?
Grow up and get both of you some therapy
YTA because you’re focusing on the wrong thing.
>she’ll switch from debating pros and cons to one of those “fine, whatever, do whatever I GUESS” attitudes
Then make the focus *that.*
A lot of us really *can’t* control the fact that we cry. It’s not manipulative, and honestly it sucks on our end because people don’t take us seriously on the subjects we feel most strongly about.
Telling her you won’t talk to her when she gets emotional is manipulative: “We can only discuss important things if you act exactly how **I** say you should act.”
Instead, shift the focus to *what* she is saying, not how she’s saying it. She’s crying? Fine, as long as she’s still communicating honestly and openly, crying shouldn’t shut down the conversation. But if she starts saying defeatist, woe is me, “fine just do whatever” crap, address it. Call attention to it, and *ask* if she wants to push pause on the conversation so you both can take a step back.
I feel like maybe she says fine do whatever, because you’re going to do what you want anyway. Like you’re pretending to listen if she obeys your rules.
where you went into YTA territory to me is stopping conversations when she cries. Sometimes hard conversations cause tears, and *that’s ok*. To make a unilateral decision that the conversation is over because she’s crying is really uncool.
I sometimes cry during tough topics, but doesn’t make me unable to continue talking, and shutting it down just because tears are rolling down my face would feel dismissive and belittling.
YTA.. from her response it sounds like you’re unwilling to budge and when she cries in frustration you take your ball and go home. You wound awfully controlling and maybe you need to work on your compromising skills? You also sound very misogynistic in that oh noooes the woman is crying she’s not rational anymore I will tell you only men make me cry in frustration like that and it doesn’t make me any dumber it just means I cannot get through to them or get them to actually listen to me.