My fiancé “Chris” (M, 34) and I (F, 31) have been discussing Holiday plans which lead into this whole argument. We have been together for 9 years and engaged for 1. We’re very close, I consider him and I family. I’ve always made an effort with his family despite some difficult past interactions.
Recently, his sister Kat got married (about 2 weeks ago), and something happened that I expect Chris to handle and he hasn’t yet.
After the wedding (and before the reception started) I was standing with Chris’s brother "Ben" and his wife "Annie" outside the chapel waiting to be told where to go next. Chris’ mom suddenly came up to our group, took Ben and Annie by the arm, and said, “Come on, we’re taking family photos.” Then she turned to me and said I should go upstairs to the reception and that they’d meet me there “after photos.”
I was completely caught off guard. I wasn’t included, wasn’t asked, just dismissed and told to leave.
So I went upstairs alone. About 10 minutes later, Chris called me and said Kat (the bride) wanted me in the family photos. So I came back down. I told Chris immediately how hurt and uncomfortable I was being excluded and what his mother did and said to me, publicly, at a major family event.
Fast forward two weeks. I’m still hurt, not about the photos themselves, but about how it happened and the message it sent. It felt humiliating and intentional.
I told Chris I’d like him to talk to his mom. Not to start a fight, but just to set a boundary that I shouldn’t be excluded/treated like that, especially at a family wedding. He doesn’t want to say anything because “it wasn’t a big deal” and “you were in the photos at the end of the day.”
To me, the issue isn’t whether I ended up in the pictures. Chris thinks I’m overreacting. I think it’s reasonable to want my future husband to address something that was disrespectful and made me feel singled out.
So… AITA for wanting him to say something to his mom?
NTA at all. These things should be handled by him since it’s his mom. Why after 9 years would she want to exclude you but also after 9 years do you not have enough of a relationship to bring it up as well?
INFO: Is this the first time in 9 years that an issue with his mother has come up and he is refusing to address it?
I’ve had a long history of feeling disrespected by his mother, which is why this moment stung so badly. It wasn’t coming out of nowhere. It was another example in a pattern. His argument is she treats everyone badly so how can i be so hurt by this. She treats Annie badly too but imo Ben defends her and has no problem correcting his mother on Annie’s behalf in the moment. Chris has always been the good kid who doesn’t want to fight with anyone especially his emotional and borderline erratic mom so she has treated me very badly over the years. This pattern has been getting better progressively since we have been in couples counseling so I expected him to do something about this but he hasn’t yet.
“My mother is an asshole and that is okay” – You say you are in counselling now, depending on how long that has been going and how genuine any of the changes are, you might need more patience. But also there might not be any point if he genuinely does not want to change this behaviour.
I feel like this belongs more into a relationship subreddit, than the AITA one \^\^’
In this case, YTA for expecting him to change. It’s been nine years. If he wanted to, he would.
If you marry him, you need to accept that this will be the dynamic for the rest of your lives.
Correct. It’s not a future MIL issue, it’s a fiancé issue.
And you want to marry into this family?
Also, fyi, that’s not a boundary. An example would be saying that if you’re not going to be treated like a married partner/part of the family, you’ll leave the event and consider whether you want to come to future events at all. You can’t set a “boundary” about how his mom is supposed to act
Yep, makes sense. You can only control your own actions, not how others behave.
NTA Only difference when something similar happened to me was husband could see why it hurt. Husband’s sympathy meant I could move on and put it behind me.
I hope this doesn’t come off mean but do you actually have a wedding date set? You guys have been together 10 years and it almost seems like his mom is not sure your going to actually stay in the family. Its completely unfair of her to assume that but maybe something was said between your fiancé and her that caused this reaction or maybe she doesn’t think you’ll actually get married. This is just my thought for the strange behavior.
It sounds like his mom’s behavior was corrected in the moment and thats why you were retrieved. I think the real problem here is your fiance’s unwillingness to stand up for you. Others had to correct her. Others had to point out it was rude. Your fiance, on the other hand, has firmly taken the stance of “thats just how she is”. This would make me rethink things tbh. *Others* had to correct the issue because he wouldn’t.
After reading that this is a pattern and your fiancé just expects you to put up with it, Y/TA for allowing him to let her treat you like shit for this long.
Make no mistake, this ultimately is your fiancée’s fault, not his mom’s, for being ok with you being treated this way. This should’ve been handled YEARS ago. It’s too late now. Do not marry this guy.
NTA for the official judgement but Y/TA to yourself
You don’t get to set boundaries for what other people do or say, lol. She can say whatever rude thing she wants. The boundary is for *you*. If/when she asks you to leave, you can say no. Unfortunately you don’t get to dictate whether or not she says those things to you.