Okay I genuinely feel so conflicted and really need advice. I love my husband, I love my mother in law. While reading this, please keep in mind that my fear is 1. She won’t be taken care of if we don’t help her 2. I will resent my husband for bringing her here or that he will resent me for not allowing it.
For some background, my husband and I are in our 30’s. No kids yet- we just went through 4 years of being unable to live together because of work and it’s been really difficult. We are finally just getting our lives on track.
His mother is 62 and has MS. She’s always been kind of distant but still nice to me. Her MS doesn’t affect her physically as much as it does mentally. She has some short-term memory issues but she can still function and drive for the most part… right now she’s living with her ex boyfriend the state over from us (a 4 hr drive). They just broke up and he’s not nice to her and she doesn’t know what to do. She moved there to be close to her daughter (my sister in law) who kicked her out and is now mean to her too. Do I know completely why this happened? No. So that makes me feel uneasy…
Okay, for some more context. Mother in law has also lived with her other son (my brother in law) who has also said he does NOT want her living with him ever again. He said it caused issues in his marriage and said it was like taking care of a child eg. Picking up after her, making sure she took her meds and feeding her.
My husband and I have gone around and around about this and it feels like he’s made up his mind. Our conversations go a lot like this:
He says he needs to move her in because she needs us. He claims this will be temporary since we are saving up for a duplex and he thinks we can just put her in the other side and everything will be fine.
I tell him I don’t want that responsibility thrust upon us. It’s not fair- I want to have a baby soon, I want to reconnect and be together after so much time apart.
He says I have nothing to worry about and he will take care of everything.
I tell him it’s not about me being left out, it’s about us being a team and not being pulled into this responsibility when we’re trying so hard to rebuild our own lives.
He gets upset and defensive and says he doesn’t feel heard and that he wants to listen to me but he also needs to help his mom.
I understand him.. but this just feels so wrong. He says we can get her into low-income housing but that takes YEARS sometimes! I just don’t know what to do. I feel like a terrible person for not wanting her around but I just don’t. I want to be able to help her find a place but I don’t want her with us and I don’t know if I’m just being irrational about it. I just feel like I deserve a chance to build our own lives. But… life is messy and she does need help so Idk. I don’t know how to balance this. I will resent them both eventually if she moves in. He will resent me if I don’t allow it. I feel trapped. Am I the asshole?
Oof. Make sure you talk to your husband and SIL/BIL to get a better picture of why they kicked her out. You can also compromise with a deadline. Maybe she can stay with you for 2 months tops until she gets back on her feet or figures out where to go. Can you get her her own place or into assisted living?
Particularly get them to lay out the work load she represents.
Also, Op…make sure to have your “get out of dodge” plan ready and put baby plans on hold. This is, at best, a test of your marriage.
SIL is on bad terms with the rest of the family… but BIL says it’s just that you basically have to take care of a child with her around. She’s messy, won’t clean up, forgets her meds, causes drama (never elaborated on this) and needs you to make her food. She refuses to go to assisted living because she still wants her independence. My mother is a social worker and said since MIL is living off social services and stuff and makes only $400 for rent- getting her into housing would take around 3ish years.
>She refuses to go to assisted living because she still wants her independence.
Nothing shows her independence more than needing to live sequentially with **three** of her children!
And being kicked out from all of them…
It sounds like she equates assisted living with full on nursing home care. Assisted living means there may be a meal plan that is optional, usually in a shared dining room, they have housekeepers and sometimes a van or car service you can sign up for (or not) but it also means an apartment with its own kitchen with a living area, private bedroom and bathroom in most places. That is independent, as none of it is forced on the residents. It can also include medication services if she signs up for it. Given that she sounds like she needs cleaning, meal and med services this is a good choice.
Here’s where you have to make a tough decision. Is this a hill you’d die on? I would but that’s me. If you are willing to risk your marriage I’d make it clear this isn’t an option. Moving anyone in is always two yes and one no. A duplex, even if you can afford one now will still mean you’re over there caring for her or if you’re lucky that he is and then that means he’s not likely helping you with your own meals, cleaning etc. That two family have kicked her out should tell him something but apparently it hasn’t. If you don’t want to put your marriage on the line there need to be clear boundaries.
Whatever you do right now, don’t get pregnant until this is resolved. I promise you a pregnancy and baby will not make this better.
NTA
“…he will take care of everything.”
You need to cite some examples to him. How will.he balance caring for her with work, a newborn, caring for you during late pregnancy and after childbirth? If he travels, ask him about that.
I don’t think he’s thinking this thru.
But if he’s thinking about putting her next door in a duplex, is it possible to put her in her own apartment now?
Nta. This will be life changing and she will never leave. I think this is an issue that a counselor can help you guys work threw and help set up rules and boundaries.
NTA. Since living in part of your future duplex is something he is thinking about, suggest he consider getting her an apartment nearby. Then he can keep an eye on her and be there for her as needed. Also, I would tell your husband he needs to find out why his siblings are refusing to care for her, since that makes you anxious.
Would you be okay with a short-term stay? Would your husband/mother-in-law keep to a deadline? There’s a lot to consider here, especially if you’re trying to get pregnant. I get that he wants to help his mother, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out. But you are in no way an AH.
I think it is a huge concern that both her other children have kicked her out. You need to find out why.
You two need to agree on this. If your husband wants his mum over you, then it may be time to end the marriage, but definitely reach out to the in-laws and find out why she was kicked out.
NTA
NO. A 62 year old woman with MS and memory issues is going to need a lot of help and it will get harder, not easier. Two of her children have already tried to take care of her and been unable to do so.
You and your husband just spent four years living apart. Tell him that since you know how to be married and live apart you can do that again while he tries out having his mother live with him and sees how it goes.
You are absolutely right that an old person who needs care will dominate your life. I know. My old mother lived with me for nine years.
This makes me feel a lot more validated in my position. Thank you
Actually do it. Plan that for 2 more years you’ll be apart and let him truly experience what his siblings did.
_Tell [your husband] that since you know how to be married and live apart you can do that again while he tries out having his mother live with him and sees how it goes._
This is brilliant. When (_not if_) he refuses, it will become crystal clear that he knows exactly how much work it will be to take care of her and that he expects _you_ to do a significant part (if not the bulk) of it.
_You are absolutely right that an old person who needs care will dominate your life. I know. My old mother lived with me for nine years._
I know, too. We gave up over 10 years of our lives to care for both my fil & father and both of them moved into with us for their end-of-life hospice care.