I (28F) and my partner (29M) were cleaning the house. He started listening to music. I love most of his music and even music that I didn’t like I’ve grown to like. But one genre I just can’t get behind is screamo or even the emo music with screaming in the chorus. It’s very unsettling and just sounds horrible. I feel very uncomfortable and overstimulated. So I asked him nicely to change it. He got mad and told me this was his home and he should be able to listen to whatever he wants to listen to. I told him that it makes me uncomfortable and that he was being insensitive and asked if he could try to understand where I was coming from. He said he understood that he just didn’t care. He turned his music off and we cleaned in silence. Later he told me that he’s gone at work all week he should be able to listen to music at home and I had all week to not listen to it so I should just deal with it. I told him that since he was gone he should listen to it then and that it was unfair of him to make me uncomfortable in my home.
I might be the asshole because I am picky sometimes. He listens to more music than me. I find myself getting overstimulated with too much music and sometimes I just like to enjoy the silence. Also in the past I’ve been pretty picky. I like soft sweet music. He enjoys all types. I’ve since let go and gotten myself to enjoy his music because he introduces me to really cool songs and different genres I don’t even think to listen to. He’s adamant that he should be able to listen to whatever he wants I feel like there should be some compromises AITA?
Edit to clarify: a couple years ago I got him some air pods for a bday. They were lost sadly and we just haven’t had the money to replace them. We are working our ass off but Debt is a bitch. He said the cheaper replacement ones broke. He won’t use mine, doesn’t like them. And that’s where we are at with the earbud situation. But even before then (this has been an ongoing thing) he claimed he shouldn’t have to wear ear buds.
NTA. “He got mad and told me this was his home.” Is this not your home too? “He said he understood that he just didn’t care.” I believe that, but it makes me sad for you. If he has a habit of saying things like that, GTFO. If only there were devices that would let someone listen to music without others having to hear it!
Kind of hard to believe that the guy doesn’t own headphones already and couldn’t come up with this solution on his own.
NTA. He can listen to music you don’t like in his own home! On headphones. One of the tradeoffs of living with someone instead of by yourself is you don’t get to do whatever you want because the other person also matters. You should make an effort to be okay with listening to music that you don’t really like, but it screaming vocals are a bridge too far for you, he needs to respect that.
Tell him to put in headphones he already knew u don’t like screamo idk y he chose to b rude about it either getting overstimulated is the WORST and your partner should understand that NTA
NTA.
I had the same problem many years ago. We both agreed we’d each listen to our preferred music when the other person wasn’t home. It took all of about two minutes to reach that agreement. There was no argument about it, and neither of us had our feelings hurt.
This bit:
*He said he understood that he just didn’t care.*
… suggests that your relationship is doomed.
When something is really important to you, and your partner – the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone in the world – says quite openly that they don’t care about your comfort… well, then, what’s left? Why bother staying with someone who says “I don’t care”? You’d get more care and consideration from a complete stranger.
Yep – this was never a fight that should have happened. Bf sounds like a baby. It’s OP’s house too!
And when you have a life partner you don’t just tell the person you love, “I have a right to do xyz, deal with it.” You figure something out, even if it means you both end up compromising.
His attitude belies how he really feels about this partnership and OP, his teammate.
OP – you deserve better
I’ve just read the other comments here, and I notice people are saying things like “Why doesn’t he just wear headphones? There you go – problem solved!” or “Who pays the bills? He who pays the bills gets to choose the music.”
I think they’re missing the point.
She said “This thing you do causes me discomfort.” His response was “I know, and I don’t care.”
No amount of wearing headphones or haggling over bills is going to change that.
If this argument weren’t about music, it would be about something else.
Sounds like he just straight up doesn’t like you lol this is how I talk to my siblings, not my partner
ESH. As someone who loves death metal i try to be considerate and not inflict in on others to much. It is very harsh music. But also someone who loves heavy music it does get extremely frustrating to never be able to put on the music you love. He needs to be considerate and not overwhelme you with his music but by the same token you should have some consideration and meet in the middle.
Glad to see this comment. As someone who loves extreme metal of all sorts but the only metal subgenre my gf likes is metalcore, it would eventually really get under my skin if I could only listen to the heavier stuff when I was by myself. I do try to stick to stuff we both like most of the time, but sometimes I wanna listen to the new Whitechapel album, and sometimes she wants to listen to songs from K-Pop Demon Hunters; compromising does not need to be this hard
I’m a metal fan as well, the extreme kind. Some of the singers I like tend to scream with so much grit that the lyrics are borderline intelligible with the instrumentals being a cacophony of noise. But I think I’ve grown to understand that whilst I can tolerate the preppy pop and soft sweet instrumentals my partner enjoys, it takes more effort for her to tolerate my type of music. The key word that I picked up on in OP’s post which my partner used was “overstimulated”. Whilst pop music can be ear-grating and annoying, it doesn’t come close to the loud genres and I’ve come to understand that. My music quite literally makes my partners heart rate go up. So when we’re doing a shared chore I play music we both enjoy. OP insinuates that she had given many of her bf’s song choices a good try and had eventually grown to like it, but there are some that she just can’t seem to get over. That reads to me like there has been compromise on OP’s part, the attempt to try and enjoy what parts of it they can. Whilst I think the bf should be able to enjoy his music (which let’s be honest, is best enjoyed out loud through speakers) I think he should do it when OP is in a different room. I say this from the place of someone who thought compromising was an equal amount kind of thing, but I’ve come to realize compromising the same thing can take different levels of effort for each side.
Compromise, wear headphones. I don’t see the issue
Metalhead as well, she’s NTA
You’re always allowed to put all the music you like ON HEADPHONES or, in this case, when they’re not together. When you’re subjecting someone else to something they actively hate it’s just being an inconsiderate AH, and if you don’t care about the comfort of the person you’re supposed to love you’re not partner material.
ESH. Neither of your should be allowed to full commandeer the music just for your preference. Your does not come before his and his does not come before yours. Be fucking adults and compromise or accept you’re perhaps not compatible.