Me and my friend are both 18 and in the last year of high school. Where we’re from, this is a big deal, because high schools are already career focused and the final exams are important in colleges and job. I am terrible at memorizing things that do not interest me. Because of that, I am doing horribly in art history lately.
As a part of the final exams, there is a spoken part. You draw a topic (in this case a specific time in art history such as Ancient Greece, Renaissance or Cubism) and speak about it for about 15 minutes. As an emotional and easily irritable person, this is my worst nightmare. It is absolutely nerve wrecking to do that while 19 other girls are sitting behind you, listening to your every word and the teacher, that clearly has strong dislike towards you (long story), likes to interrupt you if you’re silent for even a second. According to her, I will barely pass.
Now, I know what my biggest issue is. I’d say I am more than self aware on my own shortcomings regarding my studies. We are not here for that though.
Finally, we get to the issue at hand. My friend, after this only referred to as A, is good at art history. In fact, she is brilliant and I admire her for her dedication to her studies. But, god. She does not realize that we are not the same person. While mindlessly complaining about this, she likes to “give advice”. Her advice consists of: “you have to try harder” or “you should just think about it more” etc. I am losing my mind. She doesn’t seem to understand that we are not the same. I cannot even complain around her. She immediately tries to give me advice that is quite literally useless to me. And I don’t even need advice most of the time. I just want to complain.
While A is amazing at subjects that need extensive memorizing, she sucks at languages. Which is my forte. I noticed that she gets irritated whenever I try to give her advice on that, so I stopped and usually just listen to what she has to say and then nod and confirm that English is absolute bullshit. However, I, for some reason, don’t get the same treatment from her while complaining about art history.
So, after getting irritated, raising my voice a little (I wouldn’t dare to yell) and telling her to stop, I tried explaining to her that she simply doesn’t understand and that’s fine. She doesn’t need to force her advice every time. I don’t need it. I told her that even if she means well, it doesn’t come off sounding like that. I am sorry, but hearing “you should try harder” doesn’t sound like anything else other than “I don’t think you’re really trying” to me.
Unfortunately, I realize I probably came off as too harsh, but the thing is, I have seen her do this same thing with other people and they all get irritated afterwards but nobody tells her anything. I feel like she needed the reality check that she isn’t as aware of her surroundings and the feelings of people around her as much as she might think she is. I don’t know. So, am I the asshole?
NTA. Don’t give advice if you can’t take it.
> Unfortunately, I realize I probably came off as too harsh, but the thing is, I have seen her do this same thing with other people and they all get irritated afterwards but nobody tells her anything. I feel like she needed the reality check
INFO: have you ever, without yelling or getting mad, asked her to stop giving you advice? It’s not great to explode on someone without trying a softer approach first. Yes, she could have picked up on it like you did, but not everyone is good at cues like that.
I absolutely understand that. I am definitely an emotional person and tend to first raise my voice and then try to explain, but I have tried telling her calmly before. And she does seem to understand that her advice is not wanted, because whenever she says it and I just look at her, she rolls her eyes and sheepishly says she knows.
If you’ve told her before then it’s especially understandable why you’d snap. NTA but hopefully you guys can work it out calmly.
nta. it would’ve been someone else in later life if not you now.
hard agree with the other commenter on not giving advice if you can’t interpret it as anything but criticism when it’s given to *you* but also unsolicited advice is genuinely just rude. that’s discouraged in polite company, especially in job settings. does she think that shits gonna fly with coworkers?
Just tell her, “I do appreciate the insight however sometimes I am not looking for advice or an opinion. At times I just need a friend who is there to listen supportively and who will allow me to vent. This is one of those times.”. You can make your point without being harsh.