My partner and I are expecting our first child together. We are very excited and so are our families. My partners family has been living abroad throughout our relationship and so it’s been difficult to build a bond but we’ve tried our best and it’s worked so far.
Everyone has been very excited for us, sent their congratulations and want to be involved as much as possible. All except my partners sister.
She’s not congratulated me on the pregnancy nor has she put any effort into getting to know me. Even though for a year we were living very close to each other and my partner and I tried to plan meet ups and events. She was always too busy. If she did plan events then they were for family only (as in just her brother) and I wasn’t invited.
She moved away a few months back and in between her move she asked to stay with us, before she would fly out. My partner and I were happy to and I was hoping it would be a nice time for both siblings to spend time together and while extremely last minute, get to each other a bit more. Before and during her stay, she kept changing dates and how long she would be here, ranging from 10 days to a week. In the end she only stayed three days before leaving, on the same day that I had planned another important family event months in advance and couldn’t skip. My partner spend that evening with her.
We didn’t think any of it and thought the stay, albeit short, had gone well. Until we announced the pregnancy and she hadn’t congratulated me. She then told my partner that because of my pregnancy she wanted to build a relationship with me, but that I would have to apologise to her for making her feel unwelcome during her stay by having alternative plans. I will not be giving an apology as I believe there’s no basis for it. She also said she didn’t think my partner and I would last long together and the only reason we were together is because of our sex life. Coming from someone who made no effort to get to know me, it’s extremely hurtful to hear.
I really don’t feel comfortable building a relationship with someone that I don’t think respects me at all, and neither do I want that around my child (partner agrees). AITA?
You don’t have to have a relationship with someone who you don’t feel close to, NTA.
NTA She made those comments to your partner and thought you’d still want a relationship with her? She’s about to get a reality check.
Also – It’s good to read a post where the poster is not being a doormat because “they are family.”
NTA
Your pregnancy and your baby is what matters now. Your SIL doesn’t matter even an ittsy bitty bit. Like, at all.
You’re going to be super busy for like…. the next two years. Worry about her then.
NTA. Why does she know anything about your sex life? She’s obviously territorial over her brother…you should be involving your husband and setting expectations/boundaries with him more, and definitely before the baby is born.
It was her theorising why our relationship was working out because she couldn’t think of another reason, which is hilarious because everyone else (friends, family, etc) can understand why we love each other from a mile away.
It absolutely disgusted my partner to hear. He’s already made it very clear that it was unacceptable and she’ll need to change her attitude in order to remain involved in our upcoming little family.
NTA. She wants a relationship with your baby and not you. You have nothing to apologise and honestly she seems a bit toxic and would rather keep some distance from her.
~~ESH~~ NTA (changed it. Even though I find OP’s mindset different than how I would handle things, its not coming from a bad place…just forced/contrived. So upon further reflection…NTA)
OP does not overly suck, but I just can’t get on board with this notion of deliberately trying to form a bond with people. I say just be yourself and let whatever bond happens happen naturally. You’re already family, so you’re going to be at the same family functions. Just be pleasant and open.
Sister sucks more for excluding OP, but then again, I’m not sure what this “family only” event was. Was other family included? Or was this just something she did with her brother? I’ve done stuff with just my sister before, but that does not equate to “family only”
But it is over the top ridiculous for sister to hold a grudge that OP had plans the night she stayed.
Lastly…this strikes me as weird as hell.
“She also said she didn’t think my partner and I would last long together and the only reason we were together is because of our sex life. ”
Even if that was a thought she had, who communicate that to their brother? Ewww.
Now OP is contemplating ruling out any relationship with the SIL. These 2 are just drama.
Hi! Thank you for these insights! It’s always good to reflect!
I did want to give a bit more context that I didn’t believe immediately relevant to this post. In the beginning I tried to build a relationship with her. She is an important member in my partners family. But all my attempts weren’t acted on. She only had time to meet during weekly dinner with her husband and my partner. She never wanted to include me during those dinners and made no other attempts to try and get to know me. I gave up after a while and was fine with that. I was very surprised when she expressed wanting a relationship with me after hearing I was pregnant, but then also aired to above grievances against me and what she thought about our relationship.
I absolutely agree that this is such drama, and none I want to get involved in at all.
NTA. You being pregnant is not a reason to have any kind of relationship with her. Her behaviour and comments were so rude, I hope she’s never allowed to enter your home again. She had years to get to know you and be a decent human. Too late for that now, as you will extremely busy with your little family. It’s her loss, and all by her doing.
NTA, she sounds both exhausting and, frankly, really fuxking weird.
NTA.. Your partner needs to be the one to establish boundaries with his sister.
As a man with two older sisters, if one of them talked like this to me about my partner, I’d not only shut that BS down the moment it was said to support my partner, but I’d make it very clear that there will be no more of that with out consequences. If she has a legit gripe, that is one thing. But, she is the cause of the issues and is making drama out of nothing. To me, this is an attempt at control. Your partner needs to put her in her place. If she wants to be involved, she needs to be the one to make amends instead of creating something to be pissed about. if your partner won’t deal with his sister, that says a lot about what you will have to continue to deal with so long as you are with him. that may or may not be acceptable to you.
NTA. You don’t owe her an apology. She was deliberately standoffish. Now that you are permanently linked to her family, she is trying to save face.
NTA
I’m a sister so
I had to
Read this twice.
She invited herself. She asked to
Stay with you and your husband.
Of course you’re going to have obligations and things you’re doing.
I would be open to a relationship because that’s his family, but based on what you’ve said I don’t think you owe her an apology.