My mom died in February of pancreatic cancer. I took care of her while she was sick and was with her in the hospital when she died. My aunt has always had health issues and was hospitalized in July. At first the doctors didn’t know what was wrong with her, but they eventually diagnosed her with acute myeloid leukemia. I wanted to visit her in the hospital, but couldn’t bring myself to do so. I reached out a few times via text, but certainly not often enough. Any time I even thought about her my mind and body felt like they were shutting down. I couldn’t think straight, felt tired, felt weak, etc. I did not explain this to her or her husband and I should’ve. It was the least I could’ve done. I finally reached out to her husband after she died and wrote him a letter explaining everything that was going on at the time and he told me that she understood and reassured me that she still loved me. I still feel really guilty though.
NAH. Sorry for your losses
NTA
Look, watching someone die is a lot.
I spent several days in an ICU to support people I loved, even though the person dying was someone who was very abusive to me and I hated them. I hated them A LOT.
It was gut wrenching to have to watch my loved ones -watch their loved one- die. I feel it was grief a degree separated and it was deeply deeply ….. it’s something you can’t really understand until you’ve gone through it.
I can not even begin to imagine what it would have been like if the person dying meant anything to me.
I can see where that would make you not want to visit people in the hospital. That would trigger a lot of bad memories; the scents, the noises, everything.
It’s a shame you couldn’t go but certainly you can’t blame yourself. Caring for someone at the end and watching them die is no small thing.
Your aunt might have wanted to see you but I’m sure if she loved you at all she’d never want to burden you with further trauma. You both have a lifetime of memories to look back on.
Sorry for your losses. Maybe write a letter to your late aunt as well and explain your feelings. It sounds silly but it really does help.
NTA. I can totally understand where you’re coming from. My dad passed away a few years ago (when I was 19) and seeing him sick and taking care of him really took a tole on me too. I didnt even realize how much things that reminded me of him being sick would bother me until they did. One of my bests friend’s dad actually died almost a year after mine exactly. I told her I would be there for her because I knew what she was going through. I tried to be as supportive as I could but some things really messed with me. I remember one time she snap-chatted us a selfie of her and her dad in his hospice bed and he had that same sunken in look that my dad had before he died, and seeing him in the hospital bed with IVs and oxygen and everything just brought me right back. I felt so anxious and stressed I actually threw up. I wanted to reply, I wanted her to celebrate her dad, but I just couldn’t face it yet. I realized that I was still healing myself, and you can’t put your own healing ahead of someone else’s. It is entirely reasonable to not put yourself through undue stress and extra grief for someone else, even if you want to. As much as you can want to be there for someone else, in the end it’s not helpful if it will be hurting yourself, and I know my loved ones would t want me to make myself unnecessarily unhappy for others so I am sure your aunt felt the same too.
There’s nothing you can do about it now. Focus on the love. We all eff up. You were doing the best you could in the moment. Forgive yourself.