I (30m white) and my wife (27f w) have been having a lack of intimacy a lot lately causing multiple fights. I have expressed that I do not feel wanted or desired and she doesn’t seem to care or have the energy for me or make my needs a priority. Constantly blaming me for why she is not meeting my needs. A few nights ago we were drinking and playing CAH with friends. Not sure what the card was but it was something about Tom Cruise and what you would do to sleep with him or something. To which my wife made comments along the lines of "oh definitely not TC, but Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds and made multiple comments about how attractive he is to her and even pulled up shirtless pictures on her phone.
I started getting visibly upset and she kept going. Then made a comment about the actor definitely not being white, almost like it was a bad thing.
Now I am not racist race does not bother me, but I am white, average height and slightly overweight, complete opposite of this famous person I know my wife would never meet. But I started to feel insecure and disrespected. My wife kept asking me what was wrong and I ignored the question until we were in the car. I again stated how I’ve been feeling unwanted and unattractive to her and was hurt by her "jokes" and comments about this actor. She again told me "all I think and care about is s*x and made the conversation about her feelings. Completely ignoring mine. Its now been three days of us barely talking. I told her I feel I am not what she truly wants and that she only settled for me because of our children. I am deeply hurt and she is still making the convo about her feelings and how her needs are not being met by me and also told me that she doesn’t let me lead in our family because she doesn’t feel I’m capable. Am I the asshole?
You need marriage counseling.
I wont say if you are an asshole or not. Becouse i would be hurt too hearing my partner say that about a celebrity crush. And in details in front of me.
But…I cant help but to notice most of this paragraph is “my needs” “I want sex” “she dont care about my needs”
Do you ever just cuddle her without the expectation of sex?
Sit down and just talk about your day? Like real couples intimacy. Not the sexual kind.
Having been in a relationship myself where my x constantly was pushing for sex. Honeslty it me more tired. More turned off becouse there was zero intimacy that made me naturally want to be that kind of intimate. It was him him him. His needs.
And if she’s tired from something etc. All that pressure Honeslty makes it worse.
Yep. She has an actor crush; big deal. The real problem is that you’re not listening to her and you’re making it all about your “needs”.
ESH
I could see how you could be upset over the celebrity thing. I think it was embarrassing for you because you aren’t confident in the relationship right now. If you had an active sex life, a fantasy wouldn’t have hit as hard.
Sex is a two way street. You mention that your wife keeps saying that her needs aren’t being met, and that the conversation goes to her feelings. Are you listening to what she is saying about her feeling? How are you going about addressing her concerns?
INFO: There is so much between the lines here that isn’t being addressed and has nothing to do with celebrity crushes.
You describe your wife saying you only think of sex, she doesn’t have energy, she says you aren’t meeting *her* needs, making everything about her feelings.
We’ve established (from this post) that your unmet needs are about physical intimacy, but how does your wife describe her needs that you’re not meeting? Because if she’s been asking you to take on more of the mental load around the house, be proactive and not needing to be asked/delegated what should be shared tasks from equal marriage parters, that is the quickest way to evaporate a woman’s sex drive.
Every time my husband goes on a random cleaning spree or like, decides to fold and put away all the towels without me asking him to do it, I could practically rip his clothes off, and he’s always bemusedly flabbergasted at “what’s come over me” and it’s really not that deep or mysterious: doing your share around the house saves her energy, makes her feel cared for and protected, AND makes her feel like you are an equal partner, not an additional child that needs to be directed and managed. *That* is what most women find hot.
Now, whether you and her agree that talking about celebrity crushes among others is acceptable in your relationship is another matter, personally my husband does not mind me going off to K-pop concerts to sing and dance along with a bunch of hot popstars, but that’s because other aspects of our relationship are doing well so he is secure in knowing I have no actual interest in anyone else.
I wouldn’t have sex with you either. Because I cannot find one redeeming quality in this post.
You complain repeatedly about how she keeps bringing up her feelings, rather than how she can meet your sexual needs. (How dare she!!)
You’re incompetent and expect her to do everything for the kids, the house, and you. “She doesn’t feel I’m capable”. (Huh, I wonder what makes her think that?)
And the beginning of that sentence was that “She doesn’t let me lead in our family”. Plus one of your comments was talking about a “daily devotional that she’s too tired to do every day”. (Ahhhh, so you’re one of THOSE guys! Why is the woman who’s supposed to be my subservient trad wife not waiting on me and servicing my needs?? I am supposed to be the heat of this household!)
And then you get all sorts of bent out of shape because she had the audacity to find a celebrity attractive. (Oh the horror!!)
And let’s throw in a little racism just to top off this shit sundae that is you, because this picture wouldn’t be complete without some “i don’t hate black people, but…” racism.
And throughout this ENTIRE woe is me post, there is not one single fucking word stating what YOU have done to address any of the problems in your marriage, other than to bitch and whine about how she’s not servicing you sexually.
Yep, you are quite the catch.
YTA
This should be at the top.
OPs wife fantasizes about her celeb crush massaging her feet, listening to her about her day, and taking the kids to the park for an hour. The sad part is I’m probably right. We love paternal instincts. It’s really sexy to see dad’s who are involved, share responsibility, and take accountability. But it needs to be sincere, for sure.
It’s really hard to tell from this what’s going on in your marriage. You feel your sexual needs aren’t being met, and that your wife doesn’t find you desirable. Your wife feels that her needs in the marriage aren’t being met, and is accusing you of either incompetence or passivity within the family.
It sounds like your relationship might be in free fall, and particularly given that you have children, I would strongly advise you to get yourself into couple’s therapy pronto before you crash and burn. This isn’t just about how often you have sex, but the therapist can certainly explore that with you as well. Get going.
No judgement, but you and your wife are both major A’s if you don’t seek some professional help. Now.
“Constantly blaming me for why she’s not meeting my needs”?
She tells you she feels like all you think and care about is sex and you whine that she’s making that conversation about *her* feelings?
“She literally has no energy left for me…” because she’s focusing on your kids, her work, and a hobby?
Reading between the lines, YTA.
If you want to talk more about this lack of intimacy problems, I would post about it in r/DeadBedrooms and you will get constructive feedback from people who are used to hearing about these situations every day.
YTA for the title. No one can be everything to everyone all the time. May not feel this way, but your wife’s crush is a separate issue from your lack of intimacy. Lots of people are attracted to many different sorts of looks and body types. There’s nothing wrong with having a crush, even while married.
For the lack of intimacy, there are a lot of factors to consider. How far is she postpartum? Has she had hormone levels checked in the last 6 months? Is she exausted from handling the majority of the household work? How is your relationship outside of sex?
I’d give things some.time to cool off and, without bringing up Shemar Moore or any other men, talk to her about your concerns. Try to keep jugement out of it, keep things focused on you and your feeleings rather than what she did/is doing wrong in your mind.
All that said, there may not be a way to rekindle a physical relationship with your wife. She many not be interested. You get to decide, at any point, if that’s a deal-breaker for you or not. It’s not a “wrong” or uncommon choice – it’s one of the leading causes of divorce, just behind severe addiction and crippling financial issues. I hope things work out, best wishes.