I (trans male 21) and my friend (cis female 22) are college roommates and have been close friends since last year. We have very similar interests and passions alongside the same major so we really hit it off from the start. She has always been very supportive of my gender identity and transition. I started testosterone a little over two months ago after many years of struggling with body dysphoria and while the changes are slow to come, I’m rockin a decent little stache and my voice is reaching teen boy levels. I haven’t told my family about this yet, and have been dreading coming home for the holidays, so my roommate mentioned staying with her and her family for Thanksgiving. I’ve met some of her family and stayed over a weekend before my transition so I thought it would be fun. I didn’t start feeling hesitant until recently when I asked her who all would be there and she mentioned I’d meet more of her extended family, specifically her grandparents. We’d always joked about how her family was low-key conservative, so I asked if that was the case for them as well. She got kind of quiet and said they were worse, and I joked, “oh so they’re gonna looovee me”, and she responded, “well they probably won’t realize you’re trans or anything so just don’t mention it.” I immediately felt hurt because she knows I’ve been struggling with how I present and on top of that, she wants me to hide who I am? I thought this would be an opportunity for me to not be in that situation but I should have considered this before getting her hopes up. We haven’t talked more about this and I’ve been avoiding her since that comment. Should I suck it up and go or stay alone in my dorm for a week?
NTA. While your friend may be coming from a good place by inviting you , this could potentially become a hostile unwelcoming environment for you. Unfortunately, we’re in an era where certain hurtful and unaccepting views are becoming bolder, and I’d hate for you to be subjected to any of that over a holiday dinner. Best wishes.
Yeah she had already mentioned her grandma saying “out of pocket things” (slurs) and now I’m connecting the dots that’s who I might be meeting…
Unfortunately, you are going to meet \*a lot\* of people who have variable level of disapproval about your gender identity. It’s not fair; life seldom is. Thus, you should choose your battles wisely. If her grandparents are not likely to note anything, are known to be hostile, is it really worth of meeting them with a chip on your shoulder? Maybe it is, maybe not – only you can answer. Just be aware you are going to run into a lot of folks who are downright hostile, so fighting everyone is going to wear you out fast. That being said, maybe this would be a good practice opportunity to meet head-on some haters who aren’t likely to assault you.
YWNBTA if you’d stay in the dorm for the holidays. Your roommate might be a bit sad, since she did offer you an option. An invitation is not a court summon, so there’s no obligation of going.
NTA for you or your friend. You’re going through a hell of an experience and need to be surrounded by people who love and support you, and your friend was genuinely trying to provide that for you. She’s a slight AH for suggesting you don’t mention it – she’s your roomie, surely she will know more than anything else the multiple difficulties and pains of the transition process and how hiding who you are hurts you. I would like to think it’s an unthinking error rather than anything more insidious, but it is an example of the kind of microaggression that you can do without. Hopefully when you explain that to her she’ll be understanding.
I wouldn’t blame you for staying in your dorm for the week, and if you do I hope you have some friends around to spend time with, or somewhere to make some new friends and connections.
I guess I’m wondering if there is a third option. Spending the day alone sucks; I’ve done that. Do you know any other trans folks or maybe some international students who won’t be going home? Or is there a soup kitchen or homeless shelter you could volunteer at?
My campus has a lot of international students and I’m pretty close with a few so I should definitely reach out and see…
You could find an open restaurant serving the traditional meal, or do a potluck meal—could be interesting with an international flair. Think outside the box if cooking—for a smaller group, roast a whole chicken instead of a turkey, for example. Good luck!
NAH. She seems to have had good intentions, but tbh, I wouldn’t go. I’ve done Thanksgiving alone. If I couldn’t find a volunteer thing I would get 2 or 3 favourite foods and binge a show I love (and prefer watching alone.)
NAH You do you, either you go to your roomies house and enjoy the hospitality without mentioning you are trans or you stay alone in the dorm. As soon as i read “hide who I am” I would advise staying alone because you will not be able to stop yourself from picking fights with her family. Either that or you go home to your own family, you cannot hide from them forever!! Good luck!!
NAH, and that’s for however you decide to spend your thanksgiving. Stay in the dorms if you feel like that will be better for you—there may be a sort of thanksgiving potluck for other people who stay over the break, and often for similar sort of reasons. But if you decide to go anyway, and be your awesome self, and eat all the pies, that’s ok too.