My partner (24NB) and I (23F) are the only queer people in our conservative/christian families. I think it’s important to include that I was raised Jehovah’s witness, so my family didn’t celebrate holidays or birthdays period and now I’m very bad at gift-giving culture within holidays. Gift giving looked very different for us.
We do Christmas at my partner’s parents’ every year. They are the oldest of 4, ranging in age from 17-24.
For years after coming out, I was not allowed to be mentioned at my partner’s family functions or come to anything on their side. (I was previously very close to the whole family and their siblings). After getting engaged, their family came around a little and I can now attend a few family events throughout the year (which we really only attend to keep in touch with their siblings). This year, we have both formed a relationship with one of my partner’s little siblings who is deviating from the christian conservative path. We are doing homemade christmas gifts for everyone this year, and know exactly what to make her. However, we are not close to the other two younger siblings and know they are very conservative and christian as well. Is it wrong to only get one of the siblings a christmas gift? We were thinking of just gifting it to her separately, but she lives with another sibling.
yeah you’re not wrong for wanting to gift the one sibling you’re actually close to. that’s just being human. but handing it to her in front of the others is gonna turn it into a whole thing you don’t need. give it to her separately later, keep it low-key, avoid the extra drama while still doing something nice for someone who actually shows up in your life.
Why aren’t you celebrating with friends or just together? You should be celebrating with people who you enjoy and care about.
Also, there is nothing wrong with only giving gifts to those you care for.
Oh we do – their family christmas and my family christmas (with my other non-jehovahs witness siblings) are like sub-christmas events for us. We do actual christmas with our own traditions alone <3
As one sibling lives with the other sibling, they will definitely know that Sibling A received a gift and Sibling B did not. That is going to adversely affect your relationship with Sibling B, and possibly Sibling A as well.
If you want your partner’s family to come around, the best way to do that is with honey, not vinegar. I would make gifts for all of the siblings, even if some of those gifts aren’t as personal as the one you’re making for Sibling A.
Given this context, I believe YWBTA if you didn’t give gifts to all of the siblings.
I think this will sadly hurt you in the long run if you only gift to the one. It would be best to do something for each of them just to keep it equal. I would also keep the gifts fairly similar in effort / value unless you feel differently based on what they each actually like. You could do something more generic (hard to give an idea since idk what you making) for the other two (don’t do the same, so different for each) but something more personal for the one your close with.
This is a hard situation because your not in the wrong and the siblings may not all car but the other family likely will and could use it poorly against you (which is childish but it’s how people are sadly) and it sounds like you want to try and cultivate the relationship with the family a bit even though they might not be putting the same effort in with you.
I’m thinking based on these that it might be best to give them something even if it’s small. We don’t want to isolate the other two, in case they ever change in the future, but it’s also like we barely even know them now. something general might be good
Exactly. Just make sure it’s not an obvious “I put less effort into you” gift. I am not in the same situation but currently shopping for my niece and nephew and I’m struggling with keeping it equal because they are both into very different things.
Maybe look of some simple but thoughtful homemade ideas and see if you can find something not to taxing but also nice. Just needs to be nice enough they can’t use the excuse of she got something better
NTA.
Give gifts how you want to. Just don’t do it in front of everyone, because if you do, there will of course be drama.
Just find a way you can give the gift privately. No need to involve the rest of the family.
If you’re doing home made gifts anyways, just give the ones you aren’t close to some cookies or a sugar scrub or whatever and then give the ones you do like something meaningful.
YTA. The rest will find out, eventually. If you wish to alienate the other siblings further, that will do it.
I understand your conundrum so hard. 42NB former JW as well. Honestly I forgot to factor the years with the JW into my difficulties with gift culture. I’d just chalked it up to autism and childhood trauma around toxic gifting.
I’m of the position that people are not just entitled to gifts and oppose mandatory gifting. Especially since these kids are grown. So I would personally just gift to the person that matters to you.
That being said, be prepared for fallout so have boundaries around any possible retaliation if you don’t give one. You don’t owe your generosity to people that do not accept you.
However, if you’re feeling really saucy. How I would personally handle it is give them the gift of a donation to the charity of my choice in their name. There is room for petty in that, but I would make it something that they would approve of and feel uncomfortable contesting.
NTA but definitely give it privately and maybe don’t make it a Christmas gift. Frame it as a random gift and then gift all three of them something small and generic for Christmas – some candy or cookies or an ornament or something like that. It doesn’t have to cost much and will prevent hurt feelings