I’m 21 and just started my grad job, but I don’t want to tell my parents how much I earn. I grew up in a low income family who relied on government support so my parents never really supported me much financially. I had multiple part time jobs through high school and uni to cover my own supplies, laptop, clothes, etc.
My mum has always demanded to know exactly how much I make, and whenever I received money (like a bursary for travel and food at uni) she would take a big portion of it. She said I “couldn’t be trusted” with money, but she also spent some of it herself. She at one point wanted access to my online banking but I had to literally fight against it. After multiple arguments she stopped asking once I said I would transfer some to her. It became a constant cycle where she expected access to anything I earned. I hate it because she micromanages what I do with my own money and how I spend it. I think the idea of me having financial independence scares her, because she doesn’t want me moving out. As girl I’m never allowed to move out until marriage according to her.
I’ve only been in my grad job for two months and my mum is already pressuring me again. When my family first asked about my salary, I didn’t want to share it, but after constant badgering I gave them a lower number. Even from that, my mum demanded a big monthly cut. Now she’s fixated on seeing my payslip and keeps asking, sometimes even shouting at me to send it.
We’ve been having housing issues, and she’s using that as an excuse, saying the housing officer needs my payslip. I know she just wants to control my income. I really don’t want her to know my real salary because she’ll definitely demand more. She already takes a 40% of what she thinks I earn. That translates to a third of how much I actually earn.
I’ve been making excuses to avoid sending it, but I’m running out and she’s losing patience. I don’t have the housing officer’s contact details because he only talks to my mum, so I can’t even send it to him privately. And since he discusses rent and affordability with her, she’ll find out through him anyway. I don’t know how to get out of this. I can lie to my mum, but I can’t fake a legal document. Am I the AH for standing my ground and not giving her my payslip.
NTA. Take your money and move out. This is financial abuse
I’d say child abuse too.
You are 21. You are an adult. You don’t need to tell mommy anything about your finances.
If you are still living at home, you need to move out. But if you must live at home, at your age, you should negotiate a fair monthly rent…pay that and not a dime more.
NTA
This is financial abuse. OP, are you in a position to move out on your own or with roommates? That would be the best thing for you to do. She will never stop as long as you are living with her. Start making plans to get out as soon as you can. Because there’s also a chance she may threaten to kick you out, or do it. So be prepared
This needs to be higher.
NTA. It’s absolutely financial abuse. You’re an adult. It’s your responsibility to take care of you and it’s her responsibility to take care of herself. You should contribute towards the bills now that you are an adult but that should be discussed via a budget or rent amount, not just a portion of your income. Hope you are able to move out. You don’t need her permission to do so assuming you don’t live in a country with outlandish laws 🙃
NTA. Your Mum wants to have it both ways, not letting you move out but using your presence in the house as an excuse to milk you for money. I’d start looking for a flat if I were you and to hell with what they say you’re allowed to do. You’re legally an adult, don’t be afraid to start establishing a grown up relationship with them.
NTA. How does she have access to your funds ? Get your own bank account she cannot access.
NTA
MOVE. OUT.
That’s it.
NTA. If you can move out do so. But until then just deal her shrieking but DON’T give her your money. My mom did this to me and I finally found a back bone and told her she was cut off. She stopped contacting me all of a sudden once she realized she had no control over me and yelling at me didn’t work. Stand your ground! Once she gets the point she’ll stop but as long as you continue to give her money she will continue to demand more. Cut her off.
NTA – Ask to see a copy of all the bills so you know where your money is going and tell your mom to have the housing guy contact you directly.
I remember my mother telling me a similar situation with her father. He was very domineering and demanded once she started working she had to turn her paycheck over to him and he would give her an allowance. She refused and he kicked her out expecting her to relent — stayed with a friend until she had enough for her own apartment. He gave her the silent treatment for a little while but finally caved because she was still in contact with her mom and siblings. It was totally a control thing, and eventually he had to learn that you cannot control an adult child unless they allow you to control them. So OP, start figuring out a way to live independently as soon as possible, even if you have to bunk with a friend. Maybe your grad school could put you in contact with some other students who have graduated and are looking for a roommate.
She is most likely lying to you. She’s stealing from you. She cannot keep you from moving out. Get out NOW!! Even if it means sleeping on someone’s couch. She has no rights to your money.
NTA
You are playing defence, you need to play offense. You need to be financially assertive now you have a steady income.
Instead of letting her set the terms for how you manage money, get ahead of her. Ask her to show *you* the official financial family records of costs associated with the cost of living – rent, utilities, food, transport and so on, so you can calculate your fair share. Once you get a figure, set up auto transfers and be done with it. If she wants in increased because of rising costs, then do the process again.
You need to understand the power in having an income instead of just giving it away. It is actually *yours*, in your bank account and under your control. The only way she can access it is if she talks you out of it or another illegal action.
She can threaten to throw you out but she has already stated she wants you to live there until marriage, so that’s unlikely.
If you are at any risk, ignore my thoughts on the matter. Your safety comes first. Deal with that via the appropriate channels. If there is cultural stuff I don’t understand then also ignore my comment because I have no idea how it works for you.
NTA – good luck.