Hello, I F22 am married to M23 and I’ll be talking about my SIL20.
For context I love to bake, every holiday I like to bring something special for our families typically we spend it with my husbands family but sometimes will change dates around and have holidays a week before when everyone is free. My SIL suddenly decided to go gluten free last thanksgiving a week before she messaged the family group chat asking everyone to change their recipes to accommodate her. I don’t know anything about gluten free baking and had already had my recipe picked for month and was excited to make it. I messaged her privately that I was uncomfortable accommodating her as I wasn’t sure how to safely prepare gluten free food and didn’t have enough time to change plans. Normally I wouldn’t mind but I know gluten allergies and sensitivity can be very specific. Instead of messaging me directly she started sending TikTok’s to the family group chat, showing how to prepare gluten free food and how cross contamination works. Most of the videos showed people saying stuff like “this is why people with gluten sensitivity won’t eat your food” and showed a cabinet that had bread in it. Which I do understand but again- I’m absolutely not prepared to de-gluten my whole house. I responded that I would try my best to accommodate her and switched my recipe just to appease my husbands family.
Thanksgiving rolled around and I made an actually impressive gluten free (mostly I think) dish. Everyone loved it – except for my SIL. She made a scene saying that I didn’t respect her enough, my food was disgusting and refused to even try it. I tried not to take it to heart as she can be difficult sometimes but definitely left feeling embarrassed.
This year due to family travel schedule we had our thanksgiving three days ago. SIL hadn’t mentioned anything about doing gluten free food this year and quite frankly I wasn’t willing after the scene she made last time. I made a regular dish and brought it. To my surprise she actually ate it… also to my surprise about an hour later she ended up in the hospital. She messaged the group chat claiming I had specifically told her it was safe for her to eat and I intentionally poisoned her!
This is where I really think I might be TA. I messaged her back and told her she needs to get her shit together. If she wants a special diet she needs to prepare it herself and not rely on others. I said I never once said my dish was gluten free and if you remember the ordeal from last year my kitchen is not gluten safe in the slightest plus why would I go through all the trouble to make you special food when you didn’t even eat it last time?
Anyways I’m sick of the back and forth. His whole family is upset with me and it’s weighing heavily on him. Am I the asshole here?
NTA
She can just choose not to eat it.
I’m pretty sure Turkey is gluten free and she can make a gluten free side or two to accommodate her nutritious needs. It was passive aggressive as fuck to send the TikToks you described.
Edited to say NTA
NTA – Does she have a diagnosed condition like celiac disease or is this just a trend diet? I guess either way, it’s on her to confirm with everyone that their dishes are gluten free and not just assume that everyone was going to accommodate her requirements in perpetuity. And her lying about you telling her it was safe is definitely out of line
She went to the ER, thats all I doesn’t sound like she’s doing it for funsies.
NTA
It sounds like your SIL is a drama queen and did all of this on purpose.
It is time to talk to your husband about going low/no contact with her. Whatever you do, NEVER cook for her again. If you do, start printing out full recipe ingredient lists and make sure she reads them before you let her eat anything.
Not the AH. I have a close family member who has to be gluten free. We certainly prepare things that work for them, but not the entire meal. Somethings just don’t translate well. However, I’ve learned to substitute certain flours in some dishes (example: gravy). They never make a big deal about it and they aren’t demanding. We ARE aware and avoid cross-contamination. I also point out what definitely is not gluten free.
One thing I do is point out which things should be safe. They go through the buffet line first to avoid cross contamination.
NTA
I’m calling shenanigans on this. Even people diagnosed with Celiac disease don’t normally have severe reactions within an hour. It’s not an immediate allergic reaction in the sense of suffering anaphylaxis.
If SIL is truly Celiac then she would be accustomed to taking much more care with what she ingests.
It really depends on the individual. I’m toilet bound within 40 minutes from my sensitivity (not celiacs, but haven’t been able to establish which bit of the gluten situation is my issue) and my FIL and SIL are both celiacs and end up in hospital within an hour or two, but the celiac BIL is entirely asymptomatic and doesn’t react to gluten in any immediate way, it just messes up his ability to absorb nutrients from his food. It affects my FILs motor control, but SILS stomach and joint inflammation. Because of the autoimmune links, it’s one of those extra weird ones.
Prudent people who have gluten sensitivities that can land them in the hospital are extremely careful about what they consume. It’s doubtful that your family members would blithely chow down on whatever was put in front of them without inquiring as to ingredients because they know that even a minute amount will have serious consequences for them.
This is not true. Some Celiacs get sick within a half hour. Some take a day. It’s very individual, and you can’t generalize. Remember, Celiac Disease isn’t an allergy; it’s an autoimmune disorder. Response varies widely.
NTA. I have food allergies and texture issues from Autism.
It is not my friend’s or my extended family’s *job* to accommodate me. It is not my brother’s job to accommodate me as I’m rarely there. It is *my job* to make sure I have something to eat and drink.
NTA. As a parent of a child with a food allergy, she has been raised to clarify what’s in the food she is given, and to not eat any if she suspects it might not be ok.
Also, why is your husband not making the food for his own family gatherings? That way he can take the heat if it’s wrong. You can cook for your own family, where your efforts are appreciated.
NTA I’m gluten free, I bring my own food so I know I can eat. I’ll ask the cook if it’s gluten free and if it’s not or they don’t know, I don’t eat it. Simple.
If she’s sick enough to go to hospital if she ingests gluten, she has to be the one who asks EVERY TIME or have a plan B. She’s a big girl.
NTA and I’m medically diagnosed gluten free not TikTok gluten free. But this means I ask if I can eat something I never assume. I really do appreciate it when people advise safe/unsafe. I will also politely decline your food if you show any confusion about handling, emphasis on the politely and thank you for thinking of me. I would have also brought my own main and sides to share along with a delicious orange almond cake (unless someone has a treen nuts allergy of course).
I will eat your food if the bread is in the cupboard by the way, it can’t do magic to get in my food. I will not eat your salad if I see you slicing tomatoes on a board you have just cut bread on.
NTA. I’m vegetarian, been vegetarian for 40 years. At every family meal, I ask about every dish to see if it has secret meat. It’s my responsibility to check if the Brussels sprouts have bacon or the mashed potatoes were made with chicken broth
She didn’t ask before she ate.