Relevant to the story: my parents divorced when I was 12. I am now 30. Mom says dad cheated, he probably did. Dad says mom’s crazy, she probably is…
She has been very reactive and emotionally unstable for as long as I can remember, but I don’t want to use that against her to discount her feelings.
I’m not even engaged yet, me and my partner just don’t play it coy and have planned to do so soon.
When we were discussing wedding ideas, we realized we both don’t want to spend much money on venues, outfits, rings, cakes and the traditional stuff. We just want to be outdoors, with a small group of our closest people and save all the money on a big food spread and piss up; the way the good lord intended.
My dad owns a large section in a rural area. It’s beautifully maintained by him and his wife and has a semi circle driveway we could put food trucks on.
He is happy for us to have a wedding there and for my mom and her partner to come.
I knew my mom wouldn’t love it to be there. So before I even started thinking about it further; I wanted to get her thoughts on it.
I sent her a VM saying I wanted to get her opinion since it would effect her, that she’s important to the wedding and I wanted her to feel important and comfortable. I wasnt set on the idea, just wanted to explain to her the reason we were thinking about it, and check in with her feelings straight away. And open to other ideas to keep costs down.
HUGE mistake. She hasn’t spoken to me since. I think she’s mad I even thought about doing that. I’ve tried to contact her over and over saying that clearly she’s upset by the idea, and I don’t want her to be upset. So I won’t do it there.
She still won’t reply.
I seem to have done huge damage to our relationship by asking her about this.
I’m disappointed she’s not even willing to talk to me about her feelings like an adult. The only response I’ve gotten is "I’m not in the headspace".
I saw her on Tuesday for her birthday and everything was hunky dory so this response was unexpected.
A lot of people in my life hate my mom, a few people (my mom and brother) dislike my dad. Im unsure if I’m getting a level opinion from people around me on how to handle the situation, or what’s going through her head.
How do I approach this? Would you do a different wedding location or keep to the same?
You’re clearly NTA especially since you asked her about it right away. Her reaction is over the top. I would question how much you need to cater to her here. My husband and I had a courthouse ceremony with just my parents as witnesses and then we all went out to eat, so I get the point of “no need to spend money on this”. Obviously your mom has not worked through whatever hurt happened when her marriage ended, which is sad – but you also cannot tiptoe around her for the rest of your life.
I appreciate that. I’ve had to cater to my moms strange reactions and requests my whole life (not getting into all of it here for readers sake 😂).
Makes me wonder if I should start living life from my own perspective, since trying to include what she wants seems to get me in trouble regardless.
You should definitely live life for you and your (presumably) future spouse. Don’t go out of your way to make things hard for her, but you can’t fix her and it’s not your job to do so.
[deleted]
That’s fair.
For context I live with my partner and we own a home together (why we have no money left lmao).
We’ve been together a long time and are actively planning this whole thing including engagement.
If I had waiting until we were engaged, I’d be in the same boat I am now, just with less time to deal with it.
I mean…honestly, it sounds like you are engaged in the usual sense of knowing you both want to be married, just not in the modern sense of wanting a big formal proposal.
NTA. You’re allowed to have your wedding at your dad’s house. You’re allowed to plan your party without taking her emotional baggage into account. You’re allowed to expect her to be a supportive mother and put your life changing event above her decades long drama. If she can’t fill that role then hopefully you have another family member or friend who can step in where she fails.
If I were you, I would plan the wedding you want, mom won’t be happy no matter what you do, no matter how you try to “be fair” it will never be good enough because it’s not a fair ask from her part to begin with.
NTA but the reality is your mom is emotionally immature. She is having tantrums and acting out in order to manipulate you to acquiesce to her preferences. She would rather you incur large debt than “let your dad win”. She is forcing her bitterness to affect your decisions.
Ultimately it’s on you to determine what kind of relationship you want to have with her. You could give in and she will continue exhibiting these behaviours anytime you do something she doesn’t like. What if she acts out when/if you have kids because she doesn’t like your stepmom being involved? It’s opening the door to how your adult relationship will evolve.
The alternative is you set a boundary along the lines of “I would love to have you there and be involved. If you are choosing to prioritize your feelings towards dad over my wedding then I cannot stop you, but having the wedding there is the right decision for us. I hope you will move past it but our decision stands”. How she then chooses to react is solely on her. But acting like she can behave rationally about this is lying to yourself.
NTA
Its this kind of bullshit from relatives that resulted in an elopement for us. It was great, no regrets, no drama. Well except for people who wanted to make a scene but couldn’t so they got butthurt about that.
Hahaha.
My family has a history of controversial weddings. I thought I was going to avoid that curse by starting dialogue early…
NTA. Your mother is being quite manipulative. It’s been years since the divorce. It’s sad that she can’t get over her own shit.
Do your wedding your way. They either come or they don’t. They either speak to you or they don’t. Just make sure invite includes expected behaviors.
NAH. You told her your plans, she was surprised and upset, likely based on feelings about your dad. You wanted to talk about it but she’s not ready. She said she’s not in the headspace to talk about it right now. You’re not engaged yet. Just give her time to come to terms with this. Your plan is reasonable and makes sense, but just give her time and tell her you understand and will talk when she’s ready.