My boyfriend (31) and I (31) live in a family owned house with his younger brother, who’s turning 27.
About a year and a half ago, we moved in to save money for the future, joining his brother who was already living there.
I thought it would be a positive experience, but I quickly realized I was wrong.
During our first week, I did a deep clean of the entire place, especially the bathroom, which was disgustingly dirty .
His brother had been living there with their grandfather for a long time before we arrived.
To show appreciation, I even offered to take on the weekly cleaning since I like knowing things are actually clean.
But after about two weeks, I started noticing how careless and disrespectful he is around the house.
He leaves urine on the toilet seat, the bowl, and sometimes the floor.
He trims his pubic hair and leaves it all over the toilet.
He shaves his beard and leaves the hair covering the sink. And once, which was extreme, he left an actual piece of feces in the shower.
Whenever you cooks, he leaves the kitchen filthy, doesn’t take out the rubbish, and doesn’t even wipe the counters.
At first, I tried to be nice and mentioned it gently.
He gave me a quick “yeah, sorry,” and nothing changed.
Over the next few months, tension built between us.
He doesn’t clean, doesn’t help, and doesn’t contribute anything to the house. My boyfriend and I buy everything the house needs, while he just doesn’t care.
I even caught him using our personal items without asking whenever he ran out of his own, until I called him out enough times that he finally bought his own.
We even involved his parents. They tried talking to him too, but unsurprisingly, nothing changed.
My boyfriend keeps trying to point things out to him, but honestly, having to correct a grown man every single day is exhausting. We’ve tried everything ,truly, and it still feels like talking to a wall.
And before anyone suggests maybe he can’t afford to buy things for the house: trust me, that’s not the issue.
He has no problem buying himself expensive stuff or coming home from the supermarket with a bag full of snacks, but somehow the concept of buying literally anything for the shared home just doesn’t register.
At one point, he spent two weeks asking us if we had bought paper towels yet… like, sir, you are a fully functioning adult with a wallet. You can also buy paper towels.
About a week ago, my boyfriend and I had a huge argument because his brother shows zero respect for us or the house, and I’m the one constantly stuck dealing with his mess including things no adult should ever leave behind.
He’s 27 but behaves like a 12 year old who thinks he still lives with his parents.
At this point, I’m not ignoring him, but I’m definitely not nice to him anymore. I’m short, cold, and absolutely done pretending everything is fine.
Just seeing him irritates me after everything he’s put us through.
So AITA for not being nice to my boyfriend’s brother anymore?
You’re living for free in a house your boyfriend’s family owns. It sounds like his brother was part of the deal, and he was there first.
I get wanting to save for the future but, for the sake of your relationship and your sanity, maybe just move out? A year and a half of free housing is probably good enough.
Seriously! Like I would hate living with the guy too, but he was living his life as he wanted to before OP showed up and now she’s pissed she has to clean up after him when she volunteered to take it on bc she likes to know things are clean enough. I totally understand not knowing what she was getting into, but once you know, you leave or you cope, depending on how important saving money really is to you…
He sounds like a slob but I would be so pissed if I was living in my family’s house minding my own business and my brother and his gf move in and his gf starts telling me to do chores.
I agree with this. If I chose to live with family I’d be stacking my money, but I rather have my independence, freedom, sanity, and to frankly not deal with any of that crazy ish
Have a house meeting. Agree on a weekly $ contribution to shared groceries like paper towels etc. Get a cleaner in to do the cleaning and split the cost three ways.
We tried to do that, he is refusing to cooperate unfortunately
Oh man! 18 months you’ve been dealing with this?? Hope you’re saving a bunch of money although it doesn’t sound like it if you’re paying for a 3rd person.
Obviously you’re NTA. I’m curious what you’re going to do about the situation. I’m assuming that moving out isn’t doable for you right now otherwise you’d have done that already.
Info: how many bathrooms and do you have a master suite? At this point, I wouldn’t be above claiming a full bathroom for yourself (poop in the shower? C’mon!) and dividing the house by taping off into his/your areas in the kitchen, getting your own set of plates and cookware, locking your cabinets, get your own fridge, designating his/your couch etc and live like just roommates with no obligation to each other.
Who owns the house – parents? Does bf own a share that he could sell to parents/brother? Maybe stop cleaning and invite parents over? Jeez he’s a nasty adult. That’s a hard situation.
Is bf fighting this fight with you or are you alone against them? If he’s not fighting with you, consider removing yourself from the situation. You can only control your own actions. Keep us updated. Good luck!
Thank you for your kind response! We only have one bathroom (old house) i wished it was the case!
I asked from my partner to move out next year, so hopefully we will do that, but until then we kinda need to stay in ( it’s not only my decision, my partner wants to stay as this house belongs to him too and he wants to save to buy us a house). At the beginning i was fighting by myself, but now i left it to my partner as i had so many meltdowns and i was crying a lot, sometimes blaming myself maybe i’m over reacting . Takes a lot of my energy
Who does the house belong to? If it belongs to your boyfriend and his brother your boyfriend needs to force a sale before the brother ruins it with lack of cleanliness and maintenance.
INFO: How much cleaning is bf doing?
Dont get me wrong no you’re not wrong for having cleaning standards but forcing them on people while living rentfree in their house … well thats a bit rude
I’d be out as soon as I found actual shite in the shower. Who does that and why? That’s not being inconsiderate that’s premeditated and it’s filthy.
Okay so everyone is dragging this dude who may or may not have left poo in the shower, and I just want to add a little perspective before the pitchforks come out.
First, we do not actually know what happened in there. Maybe he was sick. Maybe the water hit him wrong. Maybe something slipped out before he even realized anything was going on. Nobody here was in that bathroom so all we have are guesses stacked on top of guesses.
Second, if something did happen, panic is a pretty normal reaction. Most people like to imagine they would handle a surprise bathroom disaster with perfect grace, but realistically a lot of us would freeze up or try to deal with it in a confused half awake state. It is not exactly a moment where rational thinking thrives.
Third, there is a chance he tried to clean it. Maybe it did not go well. Maybe he thought he got it. Maybe he planned to come back. The situation might have been less obvious from his perspective than from the angle of whoever found it later.
And honestly, we cannot know how embarrassed he is right now. Even if the whole thing is a misunderstanding, he is probably mortified that this story is all over Reddit.
So maybe we should all chill a bit. Everyone is one weird bathroom moment away from becoming internet lore, and none of us would love that spotlight.