My (28) father (59) found a small tumor in his lung area after a yearly health exam scan last year, and during this year’s checkup, the tumor has about doubled in size. The tumor itself has clear margins on the scan and he shows no other major health symptoms, so we have been holding onto the hope that it’s benign. However, he was diagnosed with stage 2 lymphoma about 9 years ago. He did get chemo and go into remission not too long after. He was also a heavy smoker until that first diagnosis in 2016-2017, so there is still a very real chance the tumor is malignant.
Naturally, ever since we found that tumor last year, the entire family (my mom, brother, and I, plus some close relatives) have been trying to persuade my father to go to the hospital to do more extensive testing (and possibly more invasive, like a biopsy) to be more certain it is not cancer – and if it is, we’ll be catching it early. However, he is very stubborn about not going for god knows why. The problem is, he refuses to flat out say no, and also refuses to explain any decision. He always goes "i’ll see to it" every time the topic is brought up, probably to get everyone to stop yapping. But as said above, nothing was seen to for a whole year, and the tumor has doubled in size on the xray scan!
This time, everyone has gotten more worried, but he is still extremely unwilling to go. What’s worse, he’s the sort of person who is unable to take the blame on himself, so when the situation gets worse, he will blame my mother – who actually was the only reason his first treatment went so well and him being able to stay in remission for so long because she did everything from maintaining a strict healthy (albeit awful tasting sometimes) diet to reminding him to take supplements and exercise every single day. This trait of passing the blame has always bled through our daily lives ever since i was a kid, which is super frustrating.
We have tried so many approaches over the year to convince him, to the point that now i am starting to feel a weird sense of resentment and really want to stop trying as every time i talk to him, it literally feels like i am talking to a wall. Except a wall will not be passive agressive to anyone if it falls. My mom still asks me to try to talk to him though (and she also still waits on him pretty much hand and foot), and in a traditional family sense of values, i should not give up on a family member so easily – and i think i would make my mom sad by giving up. But I’m also starting to think, it is his decision; he is a grown man who is still of sound mind, why do I have to take responsibility for his own decision? AITA?
NTA
There’s only so much you can do, and he’s an adult and responsible for himself.
I’m so sorry for your situation
NTA. But I would suggest for your own mental health that you sit down with him and have a serious conversation. Say that after a year of trying, you are only going to have this conversation with him once, and then anything he does and chooses is entirely on him. Say you think he should go, that you will be there to give him support (including things like making the appointments, emotional support, being there for your mom, etc). And tell him that you are giving an open offer that when he chooses to ask for help you will give it. But firmly state you are not going to keep hounding him or asking him. State that he’s an adult and clearly capable of making his decisions and you will give him respect by accepting that.
It is important to lay it all out there. That way you know for sure that you did what you can.
NTA for giving up, there’s only so much you can do. However, you can try something else. Ask him about his funeral/end of life plans. And if he gets upset, just point out that he isn’t getting any treatment, so if this is cancer, it won’t get smaller, so you need to know just in case.
He’s probably very scared that it IS malignant and he thinks ignoring it is easier than dealing with it. You might need to shock him into realising that it isn’t.
NTA. He’s an adult and has clearly made up his mind. You are now respecting his decision which is actually selfless as opposed to selfish!
Write out a piece of paper that is as if it was his own words (like a will) that says he knows the concerns yourself, your mother and others are concerned about his health to the point that he understands very clearly that they have repeatedly asked for him to seek treatment. Have it say that he no longer wishes for them to broach the subject as he is a grown adult who is of sound mind. It can say he understands you all are perfectly willing to assist him with any treatment he needs but only on the condition that he asks for assistance and that if he later finds out that it has progressed significantly he will not hold them responsible for his own decisions. He understands they love and care for him and wishes to not be the subject of anxiety for his wife or family and that he will see to it in his own good time. This will either keep his mouth shut later or scare his ass into action now either way you can solve your resentment, guilt and anxiety as best you can. Good luck.
No. Definitely NTA.
Fear of death, pain and the unknown does funny things to some people – and they don’t always act in wholly rational or logical ways, as you have unfortunately found out.
If it makes you feel better, have a final chat with your Dad and let him know you haven’t stopped caring – you just have drop the emotional investment you have in his treatment down a level or two, because his apathy towards his condition is hurting your relationship. You could try asking him in a non-judgemental way, what his thoughts are going forward. What are his wishes? Try to assess if they are just different to yours or is he in complete denial?
All you can really do when a competent adult decides not to accept treatment, is look after yourself and support and gain support from your mum and rest of your family. Do you have a grandparent or sibling of your Dad that could intervene? So the pressure isn’t all on your immediate family.
Best of luck, OP
NTA
He is an adult and is making a stupid adult decision. Your feelings of resentment are absolutely valid and it’s okay to feel this way.
He might be afraid of the treatment because he knows what is waiting for him. It might help telling him that he’s a selfish prick who is hurting his family. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
NTA. And I’m sorry he’s treated you like this, and that he seems to have treated your mother poorly as well.
NTA. I work in the disability sector and we have a term called “choice and control.”
As an adult he can make his own choices as long as they are legal and don’t harm others. He can choose to ignore the tumour, even if it is detrimental to his own health. You can’t force him unless you have medical or legal authority.
Your mum shouldn’t put that burden on you either.
NTA. Make sure he has his affairs in order.
You are NTA. The only thing left to try is to say to him that it’s his body and his decision what to do about the tumour. Everyone around him has made their feelings very clear to him. Now it’s up to him. If he wants help making the appointment you will do it with him right now but really it’s his responsibility. And you don’t want to hear a single syllable of blame being passed off into your mother. Not one word. Does he understand?
When he gets indignant tell him you love him but you also know him and watching him act like a fool with his life this last year is hurting you all. Time to step up.
Good luck.
You need to protect your own mental health. My dad was like this. It took him years to get medical issues sorted and now he has significant damage to his heart and kidneys. He would refuse to take his heart medication and taunt us kids about it “I don’t feel like taking my medicine today.” I remember crying and begging. I don’t even talk to him anymore.
Your dad has all of these people fawning over him and begging him to get help. He likely loves the attention. I would just start shrugging whenever it comes up. If everyone stopped giving him attention maybe he would actually do something about it
NTA
It sux when people get like this, especially when they could have something treated and get another 10-20 years of life.
My father was on haemo-dialysis for over 19 years. He became weak in his arms and could no longer push himself out of his armchair. He was the same age as your father. When the weakness became paralysis he was taken into hospital against his will. He had suffered a fracture of his spine at C5. It was inoperable (blood thinners, etc, etc). He came off dialysis so he would no longer have to “live like this”. He died a week after his 60th birthday.
My husbands uncle had a growth on his jaw. He refused a biopsy. The growth grew so large he couldn’t eat. He refused all treatment and basically ended up starving to death. He was in his mid 80’s.
My MIL this year had sold her bungalow, moved into a retirement flat, seen the birth of her first great-great-grandchild, and celebrated her 90th birthday. She was suffering from low blood pressure (she had had a pace-maker fitted 9 years ago) so her cardiologist changed her medication regime. She also was getting a lot of indigestion. Two weeks after her birthday she was “in a bad way”. She refused to see a doctor. She refused to allow us to call 111. After two weeks she eventually agreed to see her GP. She reinstated the withdrawn tablet, and prescribed an anti-acid for the “indigestion”. She also referred MIL to the hospital for an gastrophapy. A week later, she was so ill she was taken to A&E by her sons where she was admitted. The gastrophapy showed a major candida infection (so not indigestion) in her oesophagous. She died two days later.
NTA on allowing your father to follow the route he has chosen. He knows what his options are, he will have been told by professionals and may have seen people with similar conditions and how the treatment affected them, so let him follow his choice.
I have lost two friends to lung cancer, one was 62, the other was 77.