For context, I’ve been in college classes with this girl for the last year. We’re in the same degree program and have become friendly. I don’t hate her at all; I’ve just reached my limit and might’ve gone too far.
This semester we have the exact same schedule, so we ended up sitting next to each other in every class. At first I chalked a smell coming from her up to stress and assumed it was a temporary slip in hygiene. It happens. But it has been every. Single. Day.
The best way I can describe the smell is like strong barn-type body odor, as if she worked outside on a hot humid summer day and didn’t shower. She has long, pretty hair but it’s visibly oily from roots to ends. By our third class of the day I’m nauseous and trying not to gag.
After a month of this not getting better, another friend in our program admitted they sit on the opposite side of the room because of how distracting the smell is. It kinda broke my heart to hear, and I’d hope someone would tell me if I was in her position.
One day after school, I spent HOURS carefully crafting a text to tell her she has some body odor and that I was only bringing it up because I care, didn’t want her to be embarrassed. Not a fan of confrontation and thought a private message was kinder. She read it, gave just a thumbs up, and never talked about it again.
The next day I finally wasn’t trying to hold my breath… and the smell was back by the end of our second class. That was 2 months ago.
Now we’re in crunch time for finals. We stayed after classes until around midnight working on a project with several other students. I finally couldn’t take it anymore after she scooted inches away from my face to help me on my computer. Within seconds of her getting that close, I ran to the nearest trashcan to throw up.
She asked if I was okay, but I was so sleep-deprived and stressed that I couldn’t hold back. I told her that she smells so bad that just being near her has been making me nauseous all year. Still clutching the trashcan, trying not to throw up again, I blurted out, “How do you not smell yourself? How can you not notice how bad this is?”
She said she’s just forgetful, mentioned that her mom or fiancé don’t remind her, a woman in her early 20’s. She doesn’t work so she can focus on school, so from my perspective it seems like she could make time to shower.
Before I stormed out, I raised my voice and pleaded for her to just take a damn shower.
I feel bad for yelling and I know I sounded harsher than I meant to. I was exhausted and at my limit, but I still have to sit next to her for another 3 weeks before the semester ends. I feel guilty for snapping in front of other students, but I also feel like I had no other options left after months of this and the fact that texting her didn’t seem to help.
AITA for finally snapping and yelling at my friend about her B.O. after literally throwing up even though I had already tried to bring it up gently before?
NTA that is a new unlocked level of stench to actually make someone throw up, you were too nice
Nah nta you told her how it is. It’s kinda crazy how you waited 2 months to really call her out on it though.
If she smelt fine the next day after you messaged her but then the smell came back a couple of hours later, then surely it’s a medical issue?
You didn’t have to yell at her, she may have mental health issues as well as something medical.
YTA and I don’t think I’d want you as a “friend”
This is what I think too. It could be a number of things causing this, including a bacterial or yeast infection on her skin. OP did mention in the comments that the girl claimed she forgets to shower, so if she’s going DAYS without bathing herself she is the prime candidate for a fungal or yeast infection.
ETA: I honestly don’t blame OP for getting frustrated and blowing up on the girl. I DO think OP should apologize for it, but I don’t think she’s an asshole for being super frustrated and not able to contain her anger after vomiting over how bad this girl smells.
About the smell coming back after a couple of hours.. it might be that she washed her body, but the clothes still had bacteria in. Once BO gets into clothes a simple 30c wash wont remove it, you need to do some sort of antibac pre-soak or wash at a much higher temp and iron.
This is likely a mental health issue, and shes just not taking care if herself properly, and probably doesn’t understand everything she needs to do to make that happen.
NTA
I used to play for a team in my local snooker club, and one of my teammates always smelled somewhat ‘ripe’. I tended to keep away from him and not breathe too much when he was nearby.
Until, a few people from other teams started to comment about the smell.
I took the guy to one side and said that people were commenting about the smell, and could he have a shower before he came out.
I thought it would be a really awkward conversation, however he surprised me by telling me he appreciated that I had the balls to let him know.
Problem solved – never had an issue again
YTA you did not ask her what was going on earlier or let her know there was an issue. Adulting is learning to handle these situations with kindness and grace. Early on you should have said, I noticed you have a daily odor what is going on? Then talked it thru with her.
It could be meds, it could be she needs new sterizing laundry detergent or any other myriad things. Friends done behave childishly and throw a temper tantrum. We discuss things.
She sent her a private message first but it was essentially ignored.
OP isn’t a doctor or therapist. She sent the girl a message and was ignored. At some point, stinky girl is responsible for her own hygiene. Yes, it might be a mental health issue, but it’s still her responsibility to solve.
You think stinky girl is going to get a job being this stinky? Or a date? Or make friends outside school? Nope. And that is not OP’s responsibility.
I’m TA for this comment: Why didn’t you tell her WAY before this?? For all you know it could be a medical issue (that she may or may not be aware of), or something else. The best advice I can give is to communicate with anybody and everybody in your life. It’s not “harsh” or “rude” to tell someone that they don’t smell the best and that’s the reason for you wanting distance, that’s communicating and being honest. I get not wanting to offend others, but wouldn’t you rather someone communicate with you rather than snapping and yelling?? Just something to think about, because there’s not necessarily a wrong or right answer to that last question because whatever you prefer is what YOU prefer in YOUR life 🙂
OP texted and got a thumbs up, it fixed it for the first class next day. That does sound like a medical issue or a deeper problem than just not showering, tbh
YTA,
How you could possibly think that literally screaming at your “friend” that they stink in front of other people could ever make you anything other than an AH is beyond me. Sending a previous text doesn’t suddenly give you carte blanche to publicly humiliate someone you keep claiming is your friend.
NTA and I can’t imagine sitting anywhere near her during class.
You’re not TA for telling her she stinks, but sure as hell, YTA, for publicly humiliating her over it.