got married in February 2024 and got pregnant shortly after. My in-laws stayed with us for the first four months after my daughter was born, but honestly, both my mother-in-law and father-in-law treated me badly. My mother-in-law made frequent hurtful comments about my age and breastmilk supply and my father-in-law would sometimes join in, either to taunt me or show passive aggressionAt one point, they even refused to bring me food when I was unwell.
While they did help with cooking and taking care of the baby, their presence caused a lot of tension between me and my husband, and we ended up arguing a lot. After they left, things didn’t improve my husband started siding with them, emotionally isolated me, and my recovery was affected. On top of that, I was also going through a stressful job change, but they didn’t seem to care about how their behavior impacted me or our daughter. After months of discussions and me pleading, my husband finally admitted he and his family were wrong and apologized, promising it won’t happen again..but my trust has been deeply eroded.
Now, I don’t want my in-laws staying with us when they visit. My husband agrees they should stay separately and only see our daughter for a short time in the evenings. I told my husband he can stay with his parents as long as he wants, do whatever he wants with them, and visit them as often as he likes. I also said that me and my daughter can come along and see them too, as long as we stay separately. The problem is, he insists on
applying the same rules to my parents, who have never caused any issues. I’m okay with my parents staying separately, but I want them to be able to spend more time with our daughter.
We also have family in Seattle..my brother, sister-in-law, and nephews..but my husband refuses to let us visit them. He says they must come to us, stay separately, and follow the same limited visitation rules as his parents.
Am I the asshole for wanting fair but different rules for my parents versus his? Should I stand my ground, and if so, how long is reasonable?
NTA.
Different scenarios, different rules should apply. Your husband’s demands are not based on fairness, they sound like punishment and payback for having spoken against his parents.
My dear, your problem isn’t your in laws, you have a husband problem. He doesn’t have your back at all and doesn’t want you to have the support you need. He wants tit for tat when he’s not the one suffering. Has he always been this cold and mean, to allow his parents to mistreat you the way they did?
NTA Tell him that the rules are for people that treat you or him like shit. That doesn’t doesn’t apply to your parents. His parents weren’t banned because they were parents, but because of their behavior. If they behaved like your parents do they would be welcome. If it were your parents behaving badly instead, they would be the unwelcome ones.
Honestly, it seems to me that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and your husband is being deliberately obtuse. He is not treating you well either.
NTA – you should 100% treat them equally… that rule can apply after your parents have stayed for 4 months and if they treat him or you like shit (which I’m sure they won’t).
NTA, Does your husband care about your well-being at all??? Is this a pattern that his spine disappears when you need him to stand up for you?? I wouldn’t stay with someone who is going to play it like a high school game.
Edits; typos
NTA
But what you have is a husband problem. Yes, his parents are terrible. But plenty of people have great spouses with terrible parents. He’s not doing his part.
That’s like a parent losing parental rights due to abuse/neglect/incompetence telling the judge “Fine, but then I want my ex husband/wife to also lose custody, cause otherwise it’s not fair”. Why?! Tf did the other one do?! 🤣
As someone else commented, your husband is the real problem.
Toxic people don’t get the same treatment as good humans. Limited interaction is what’s best for your family. It’s unfortunate that his parents are who they are. NTA
NTA
He needs to hold himself and his parents accountable for treating you badly. He is just being petty for the sake of it rather than owning his and his parents crappy behaviour. This would give me a massive ICK!
NTA tell him if he wants to treat them equally then your parents are owed 4 months worth of overnight visits
NTA. Your husband is being an ass. His parents earned this need to distance. It isn’t about preferential treatment, it is about protection.
You need to stand your ground.
“..my husband refuses to let us visit them..”
Excuse me?
Your husband is so controlling that you’re not allowed to make your own decisions?
WTF
NTA. But he’s really not the best husband, is he? I mean it’s obvious he’s failing spectacularly at having your back. Seems like he’s more interested in keeping score. What a hero.
If your husband wants everything the same and equal, did your parents stay for four months and spend every day with your daughter? If that hasn’t happened yet, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.