First time poster and new account but really need some external opinions. Names have been changed.
I (27f) have been friends with Barbarian (26m) for 5 years. We met at our old job and lost touch when he left, but 3 years ago we reunited and have been friends ever since. Barbarian’s humour has always been “edgy” (his favourite board game is Cards Against Humanity) and I’ve had to ask him to stop turning everything into a sexual innuendo or comment a couple of times. He’s usually listened.
A couple months ago I decided to start a DnD campaign with my girlfriend, Tiefling (28f), three of her friends, and Barbarian. It’s a homebrew world and it’s been a passion project of mine for years. Barbarian had never played before but seemed interested, though for all our internet sessions he’s been quiet and uninvolved despite me pushing and trying to make him comfortable.
Smash to this weekend and our plans to have an in-person game at mine and gf’s house. I spend a week making props. We agree to arrive on the Friday, have a couple of drinks and play some DnD. Barbarian arrives with no dice, no character sheet, 2 homemade cocktails, a bottle of rum and sambuca. He gets SMASHED. Vomiting in our toilet and basically passing out at the end of the night. Deliberately trying to piss off our cats. Throughout this he makes wildly inappropriate jokes about dildos and butts, tries to touch Tiefling’s feet and when she sets a boundary he laughs and winks. He tickles me right on my hips and I have to push his hands away when he doesn’t respect my no. I’ve been dealing with some stuff at work that involves me suing my employer for failure to protect against SA, which he knows about in detail, so this was obviously a trigger for me. Me and Tiefling discuss potentially asking him to leave that night before bed and we decide to sleep on it.
I wake up at 8:30 the next morning (today as I write this) and go to the loo. From the corner of my eye I see Barbarian messing with our keys and when I’m on the loo I hear him leave the house. I go to check and he has left the door completely unlocked to go for a morning run. He left the front door UNLOCKED. We don’t live in the best neighbourhood and this can be dangerous. He hadn’t sent a message to say he’d done it and doesn’t acknowledge this at all at any point. When he gets back from his run he rings the doorbell 7 times and I let him back in. He immediately touches my face with wet hands, I say no, he does it again and I have to push him away. I go back upstairs and tell Tiefling what happened. It’s then that we decide to speak to him together. We explain that his actions have made us uncomfortable and would like him to leave. He does this quietly and I say I’ll talk to him more about it later.
I’m seriously debating kicking him out of the DnD campaign and maybe cutting him off as a friend. I don’t want to hurt him but also don’t want to be one of those girls who excuses their male friend’s shitty behaviour. AITA?
As a 20+ years DM, I’d kick him. It’s your job to create a good group dynamic and Barbarian won’t do that.
NTA – Barbarian isn’t a good friend, doesn’t respect boundaries, and won’t be a good addition to the DnD group. In my experience, being true to yourself and maintaining healthy boundaries always pays off. Take the measures you know will be the best for you and your group.