I (F18) have two siblings (M16) and (F9). As the eldest to two traditional African parents, I was basically treated similar to a housewife which included: cooking, cleaning every day, taking care of my sister and brother, etc. Their mistakes and tasks became mine, essentially. My parents, my mother especially, babied my brother so he basically had zero responsibility up until 1-2 years ago. I have always resented him for this because he has always had the freedom to pursue what he wanted. I, on the other hand, always had to put into consideration my chores, my sister, and my parents.
As a kid I loved gaming, but my parents would never buy me a console because I would need to do “womanly things.” But my brother would be free to play games. This lead me to be quite underdeveloped in gaming knowledge when I join gaming spaces as an adult. I also didn’t do sports for long as a kid either because my parents didn’t really have much faith in me, despite me being semi-good. They would eventually end in taking me out and trying my brother, even though he expressed his disinterest. I quit band halfway into high school so my parents would be able to put my brother through high school and band and Drum Corps (professional marching band). Additionally, my parents wouldn’t let me go out very often. I had never been to a birthday party until this summer but my brother would constant be out with friends and had a later curfew than me.
At every turn I was devastated as I could only watch people enjoy the things I once partook in. Now after moving out and living on campus for college, I now can explore my interests freely without worry of it being stripped away. However, I find myself not wanting to be around my brother and parents, but I would suck it up and do it anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I still have love for them but I just don’t like them as people and feel that they have spoiled what could’ve been such an eventful life.
Now when I don’t show absolute affinity for my brother, my parents look at me crazy and call me “devilish” and “wicked,” saying that only hateful people hate their family. I don’t hate them or him, but am I totally crazy for not liking or wanting to be around him?
Nta, I dont think its wrong to not like a traditional upbringing that treated you badly, and I see not wanting to be around your parents. From what you posted, it seems like you dont like your brother because he was an example of what you wish your upbringing was like, and not because of anything actually against him, id think deeper about why you dont like him.
NTA. As a female and the oldest (I was second but my sister was 7 years older and moved out at 17) of us three remaining, I got saddled with chores and responsibilities because I was expected to get married after high school. So, I get you. Your parents have favored your brother which wasn’t fair so it’s not surprising you feel the way you do.
Married? That’s totally unfathomable, especially at 17.
Not crazy at all. It’s normal to feel hurt when you’ve been treated unfairly. You’re allowed to set boundaries and focus on your own healing.
NTA, your folks are definitely TA.
NTA at all. You were treated in the traditional manner ( traditional always means it to male benefit, always) and it is hardly surprising you are full of resentment .
I can understand you don’t want to be around them, but do be careful the resentment doesn’t poison your life, just maintain what contact seems good to you and absolutely do not engage in any argument or apology or defence of your behaviour. Your life is moving up and out , keep your eyes on that.
NTA. You have been mistreated your whole life in a misogynistic environment. I wouldn’t want to see them or be around them either. I would avoid them as much as possible. Go live your best life and be a great success… that is your best revenge!! Hugs
NTA but your parents seem to have a long term and possibly terminal case of being the AH
NTA and your parents are sexist AHs. You’re never going to be happy around them if this is how they treat you. Hopefully you can surround yourself with kinder people now that you’re in college.
NTA. But I think some of your resentment for your brother is misplaced. He was a child simply partaking in anything his parents allowed him, wanted him or even forced him to do. The resentment should mainly be on your parents alone. They are the ones who set unfair guidelines and boundaries not him.
NTA. It’s ok not wanting to be with people who bring you down, especially family. Use the excuse of not going around due to school or work commitments.
Friends, on the other hand, are family you choose and if you choose friends who bring you down, then you need to get some therapy and work on your self esteem.
Please understand that your parents will never see your point of view. You will never get an apology as they do not remotely get what they did to you nor will they ever.
So- the only thing you can do is to limit contact to the absolute necessary (pretending you need to work for college. And even if you have missed out on a lot so far, believe me, there is still plenty of time to enjoy yourself now – watch tutorial for games, be open with your new friends when you feel unsure how to approach situations and tell them you did not have much chance to practice having fun.
Still, make sure you do not become light-headed now – focus on college as this is your ticket to an independent life. There are so many things that look good now, but keep your focus nevertheless.
NTA. But I do just want to echo the sentiment of others and say that your feelings towards your brother might be misplaced. Your parents are the ones treating you poorly, not your brother. If he was going around rubbing your face in it or mocking you that would be one thing. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening.
Obviously you can make your own decisions and you know your brother better than we do. But I do just want suggest that you might actually find some camaraderie in his company. This sounds like a classic “grass is always greener” situation. If what you describe is accurate, it sounds like your bother isn’t being treated as amazingly as you’re perceiving. You said it yourself, your parents had him do certain things even after he expressed his disinterest. The expectations they have for him and the standards they hold him to might be weighing on him.