Throwaway just in case. Names changed to protect privacy.
My son and his wife "Robin" have two beautiful children, "Callum" (5m) and "Meena" (5f). My son tragically passed away three years ago, and Robin has since remarried to a friend "Liam" and the two of them have another daughter "Wren" (1f).
I love Callum and Meena more than anything and I’ve provided plenty of support (emotional, financial, watching them, etc) and generally try to be the best grandma I can be to soften the blow of losing their father so young.
The problem comes with Wren. I think she’s a cute kid but I feel no attachment to her because she’s not my grandkid. Robin has started suggesting that I bring Wren along on outings sometimes or make an effort to play with her / get to know her when I’m at their house. Meena even asked if the baby could come once when I picked them up for grandparent time. I’ve told Robin that Wren should be having grandparent time with her own grandparents- hers and Liam’s parents. Robin says that she does, but that she thinks it’s important for her to spend time with us too. She says that she doesn’t expect any financial support for Wren and she’s happy to sometimes have it just be us and the twins but that she also thinks it’s important that I treat all of the children equally because it’s going to confuse and potentially upset them if we love two of them but ignore the third. I think that’s an unfair characterization and they will understand that I’m not her grandma.
I think that, even though Liam’s been in their life for a long time, it’s unfair that Callum and Meena don’t get to know their real father but Wren does, so they deserve extra love to make up for it. I think she’s trying to manipulate me into babysitting her new child for her just because I love to spend time with my own grandchildren. They call her their sister and not their half-sister, but I think Callum and Meena deserve some time away from the baby, too.
Robin and her family act like I’m a baby-hating monster for not wanting to be a free sitter for a baby that isn’t my son’s. Am I the asshole?
NTA
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. It is perfectly reasonable that you wish to spend time with just your grandchildren. They’re what you have left of your boy and I would probably want the same if I were you. You obviously don’t hate Wren and like you said, the kids deserve and probably need time away from the baby. It does sound to me like Robin wants free babysitting and that’s not cool.
Do you know if she expects Liam’s parents to take the twins with them when they take Wren out? If they do, I don’t think that means you should have to. If they don’t, that’s a crazy double standard especially considering their son is still living.
I understand your feelings, and I’m sure you are still in some ways grieving your son, but gently, YTA. Your grandchildren unfortunately lost their father young. They’ll likely more or less fully accept their stepfather as a father figure and their half sister as just a regular sister.
From their perspective there is no reason that their sister should be excluded from family activities. Certainly, they’re older and so they’ll want space at times, but that has nothing to do with their sister only being 50% biologically related. Older siblings typically want that space.
It’s also inevitable that the youngest child is going to feel extra left out if a loving adult family member develops an intentional relationship with her older siblings but actively avoids getting to know her. She doesn’t understand the distinction. Your grandchildren would feel similarly if Wren’s paternal grandparents excluded them. Imagine your grandkids spending Christmas with their stepfather’s family but not getting the same love and attention as Wren.
The only person who benefits from your having a different relationship with the older two is you. It’s not good for any of the kids or for their family unit. I totally understand you don’t feel as naturally connected to Wren, but I also think we can decide who we will treat as family and that feelings often follow decisions and actions.
I have four cousins who are part of one family unit, and there were all kinds of half step relationships, but both my aunt and uncle treated the children equally. And they expected them to treat each other equally. They all viewed each other as brothers and all loved and still love one another as 40-50-something men. It would have been very detrimental to them for us as extended family to have picked and chosen favorites based on closer biological ties.
As the adult, you have responsibility to look out for the best interest of the family. Your daughter in law may limit your access to the children (and rightfully so) if your relationship is disruptive to family cohesion.
Again, I understand this is emotional, and I can only imagine how difficult the loss of your son must be. I truly do sympathize, but the kids needs should come first.
YTA- Yes we are sorry for the loss of your son, but you are already causing a divide between the children that will continue to get bigger if you keep this mess up.
You mentioned the kids not calling her a half sister with disdain in your words…Are you 💩💩💩 Me? Only adults do that mess. Siblings are siblings regardless of who their parents are.
Nobody is asking you to buy the child a Maserati or cover her college tuition…just to create memories with all of the siblings and to purchase an extra Happy Meal when they are all together.
I could have tried to see where you were coming from until that “half sister” line at the end. You suck. Make this your hill to die on and watch the time you think you’re entitled to slowly disappear. Then you’ll realize all that time she has given you was a luxury and she doesn’t have to.
Respectfully, YTA here. First off, I’m so sorry you lost your son, that must be awful and good on you for stepping up and being a presence for his kids. That said, you’re undermining that by not even making an effort to get to know the third child in the family. No, she’s not your grandchild, but she IS your granchildren’s sister. She is their family. You don’t have to be an unpaid babysitter for any of the kids, but treating one sib out of the three as an outsider is going to hurt this child’s feelings and eventually poison your relationship with your biological grandkids. No, it’s not fair that she has her bio dad here and your grandkids don’t- but life isn’t fair and taking that fact out on the blameless child won’t make anything better, it will just spread more hurt around in the long run.
This.^^^^^ if the OP is not in therapy right now, I highly suggest OP start to talk to one. 💔💔
YTA. to be blunt, your grandkids are never going to know their father, but they will figure out you treat their little sister as less, and that is not going to fly when they get older. Do you really want to set up a dynamic that causes stress by treating the kids differently? because the first time the little one starts crying because she feels left out is Day 1 of her mom cutting back on your time with the other two, for starters. And then the kids themselves will pull back because they love their little sister and won’t like you for hurting her feelings.
Let me ask you this, u/Global_Pudding1845: are you okay with Liam’s parents excluding/ignoring Callum and Meena?
You seem to be saying that since Wren isn’t related to you, you have no obligation to care for her. As long as you’re okay with Liam’s parents treating the twins the same way, then I guess…no, YTA still in that case, but at least you’re not a hypocrite.
Just because you’re not wrong doesn’t mean you’re right.
The ” Time away from the baby” and the ” Half-sister, not sister” comments rub me the wrong way….
YTA. I am sorry you lost your son, but you are taking your grief out on an innocent child. Your two grandchildren consider her their sister, which she is. No need to call ‘halves’ Robin is correct that it will confuse and upset them. All they will see is grandma is being unkind to their sister and they will not like or understand it. There is a great deal of adoption, family blending and such within my family tree. If everyone hewed to such extreme distinctions, no one would talk to anyone.
Just say the baby is too young. You are getting older and three kids. One of them a baby is a lot to keep up with. Complain about elbow or hip pain. It’s hard to argue with that.
I do want to point out the that you said two things that were incredibly telling. That maybe you hadn’t quite figured out yet. You said it “wasn’t fair” that Wren had her dad and your grandkids didn’t. You resent that April went on to have a new partner and child. That’s probably natural, but you are resisting the hell out of bonding with this baby. You also mentioned that the kids just call her their “sister”, not their half-sister. Of course they do. That’s their baby sister. They aren’t teenagers who just had a not nosed step sister thrust upon them. She’s their baby sister..
I believe you when you say it’s not fair. After two years, I still get mad when people I don’t like or admire die at an older age than my dad did. I do the quick math and get pissed that they got an extra three years that my dad missed out on. Or more to the point that I missed out on having him here with me… I think grief is clouding what you see and feel regarding this new baby. I imagine it feels like she should be your son’s. I think when you have a veil of loss and pain over your heart, it can be difficult to know what you’re feeling. I imagine you feel cheated, I would.
You don’t have to love this baby. It’s not required of you ethically or legally. It could be suggested that your DIL is being rude and presumptuous by asking you to babysit. But I’m going to take an entirely different perspective and say she’s unhappy you aren’t bonding with the baby. Because you are such a big part of their lives, and she wants your approval. She may even be looking for absolution. She knows it hurts you to see life go on without him. So, NTA but I think you will regret closing your heart to this baby.
You have lost a loved one & want to treasure a connection with his children.
What happens if/when your DIL has other children?
If they are wanting babysitting it’s okay to say that you aren’t up to caring for three young kids at the same time.
Consider what your relationship will look like with the changing family in the future.
As another commenter mentioned – if Liam’s family treated the twins distantly because they aren’t related how would you feel for them?
If Liam does love them and care for them like a true father that’s another grief you will have to manage.
They won’t remember your son and having a relationship with their new parent and siblings will be normal. ‘Unfair’ that they won’t know their biological father… it’s sad yes, you feel a great loss but unless Liam isn’t loving them well they aren’t ‘missing’ out.
She has made it clear that she isn’t asking you to do it all the time and that seems reasonable.
Accept what you can but don’t alienate your family – it will hurt you and your GKs in the long run.
When you are at their house spending time with them all, yes you should be including wren. She will not understand that she’s excluded because she isn’t your blood. She will just know she’s being excluded. All children should be treated with the same amount of regardless of blood. I have a step daughter, and her mother had a child with her new husband. I’m not blood related to anyone in this scenario, but when we have a birthday party or something, I play with him as much as I do my step daughter. If I don’t, he won’t think “oh it’s because she’s not my step mom” he will think “she doesn’t like me as much as she likes my sister.”
I understand not taking the new child for outings, but mostly because one year olds are a lot to handle.