My grandfather (my mom’s dad) passed away less than two days ago. Today was the funeral, and after the ceremony, only close family stayed. We were having drinks and talking. Out of nowhere, my uncle (he’s married to my mom’s sister) says he bought a surprise Christmas cruise ticket for my grandmother, and that they plan to take her with them.
Everyone seemed confused at first, and then his wife (mom’s sister) confirmed it. Meanwhile, my mom had previously planned to go spend time with my grandmother in Houston soon because she didn’t want her to be alone during the holidays. They had already talked about it and were both looking forward to it. The rest of the family was aware of these plans well before hand.
By the time the “surprise” came my parents had already left. I didn’t start the discussion, but I spoke up and said something like: “Please take into account what my mom and my grandma had already planned.” I wasn’t yelling, I was emotional because of the funeral. My other uncle (my mom’s brother), who loves his mom and was happy about the cruise idea, got really upset. He started yelling at me. He basically told me I had no right to get involved and that it wasn’t my decision. That surprised me because I wasn’t trying to decide anything, only pointing out my mom’s feelings and plans.
He was angry, left the room, someone talked to him, he came back, apologized, and we both cried. I told him I only spoke because I was thinking about my mom the same way he was thinking about his. He said he understood.
Later, my first uncle (the one who offered the cruise) pulled me aside and apologized. He admitted he hadn’t considered the previous plans and said he would step back. I said it should ultimately be my grandmother’s decision.
At that point I called my dad to pick me up because I felt emotionally drained. When I got home, my dad implied I have “an alcohol and emotional control problem” because I cried and reacted during the conversation. I don’t feel I was drunk or aggressive, just overwhelmed with grief.
Now I’m wondering if I overstepped or if I should’ve just stayed quiet. From my perspective, I only wanted my grandmother’s plans to be her choice, and I wanted my mom’s feelings to be respected too.
AITAH?
This is the important bit – “From my perspective, I only wanted my grandmother’s plans to be her choice …”
NTA, and sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss. That was a difficult situation to navigate.
NTA. You spoke up appropriately on your grandmother’s behalf. Your father wasn’t there, so had no business criticizing you about it.
NAH, (well, except your dad for what he said afterwards). It sounds like everyone’s emotions were very understandably riding high because you were all at the funeral of someone you love, trying to do the best thing for another person you love, who is probably grieving the hardest. Nobody was cruel, nobody tried to hurt someone else, and nothing terribly harsh was said. You just had a brief conflict due to high emotions, which was quickly smoothed over when people who overstepped recognized they overstepped.
ESH – too much liquor and sadness will not bring out the best in anyone. I’m am so glad there was an apology and hope that’s how this moves forward based on understanding, changed behaviour and forgiveness.
NAH – mostly because a funeral, and the gatherings around them, can be emotionally charged events, and a lot of responses to things are due to one’s feelings of grief and loss and memories, not what was actually said in that moment.
Your aunt and uncle had their hearts in the right place when buying the cruise, and we’re just trying to do their best for your grandma. It certainly doesn’t sound like they meant to overrun established plans, and now that you’ve raised it hopefully a peaceful solution is found so that everyone is happy.
I would note that your dad’s remarks shouldn’t go unnoticed. Now, it is possible that he’s said something out of malice. But it’s also likely that for him to be calling you out on your drinking, and lack of emotional control, does indicate you have a problem. Most alcoholics aren’t “black out drunk” all the time. They are functional alcoholics. But alcoholics all the same. Just because you don’t feel drunk doesn’t mean those around you aren’t noticing a change in your behaviour when you drink. And if that’s the case, particularly if they are noticing an increase in aggression, it should be concerning for you.
What the hell!! Nooo babe you are not the Ah. Babe your lost someone that your cared. You will be all over the place. Am sure your family as well. Don’t take it personal. Take a few days to cool down if this still bothers you speak up. Let them know. You are not responsable of their reaction only yours 🤍✌🏻
And my condoléances 🤍🙏
NTA. You did right. My condolences for your loss.
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss.
Oh for heaven’s sakes! NTA! Not at all! What is wrong with your father? He was a huge AH to you. Give him a wide berth right now. I hope you don’t live with him.