So my sister works night shift. One weekend she went to my grandmas house nearby to take care of her. She was really sleep deprived and on Sunday texted me that she was on her way over to sleep. She does that here and there but usually lets me know beforehand, not “I’m coming over right now”. She did have to work later that day.
She doesn’t live at the house I live in, which is my mom’s house but I live here as I’ve been her caretaker. She just uses the extra room downstairs.
Since my mom has been sick, I’ve been managing the household. I make lists/schedules so I can balance cleaning, doing mom’s stuff and working. But Friday/ Saturday I wasn’t feeling well and got nothing done so I planned to clean the house on Sunday so that I don’t have to do it all after work.
Tbh I didn’t want to have to wait until 6pm when she leaves to start cleaning so I did laundry(noisy machine), cleaned my room (above the guest room) and made a meal in the kitchen. I did wait to clean the downstairs and vacuum as that’s the noisiest.
Later I get a text from her that I should’ve been more considerate that she’s trying to sleep and was sleep deprived, doesn’t have her own home to stay at and that’s she’s been homeless (staying at her friends house) for over a year and doesn’t have much options.
My POV, I accommodate her 99% of the time and it’s disrespectful that my plans were disregarded because she has the expectations where anytime she decides to come over to sleep I have to be quiet. I more so take issue with the last minute notice by literally telling me she’s coming over *right now*.
She’s mad and hasn’t talked to me since even though I’ve explained that I did try to accommodate her but I’m not going to pause my whole day for something she decided without asking. And told her next time to ask.
ETA: she is not grandmas caregiver. Has been recently going over one day a week to grocery shop with her and hang out. She works 3 nights.
YTA. The cleaning could have waited. She worked a night shift and also took care of your grandma. The least you could have done was give her some quiet time. The cleaning wouldn’t have gone anywhere…
But op always takes care of her mother who’s on a routine .. that’s ops home she shouldn’t have to accommodate . Beggars can be choosers !
Info: do you work outside the house or are you ft mums caregiver? If ft caregiver, YTA, as that stuff could have been done another time.
NTA. It would have been better to reply to her text with a warning that you were going to be housecleaning. It’s not clear why she came to your place that day instead of the friend’s place, and maybe the warning would have sent her there instead. But NTA regardless.
ESH
Your right she gave you no notice but you could have been more considerate and cleaned another day.
Agreed. Unless you’re completely out of clothes, laundry can always wait another 24 hours.
Nta , people saying Yta are nuts , that’s your home your on a schedule your schedule doesn’t stop because she’s homeless and sleep deprived simple
Sounds like ESH but INFO – how many hours do you work outside the house?
1 – Your sister could have given you more notice BUT
2 – It’s your mom’s house not yours so does she really need to give you notice?
3 – You could have told her you were cleaning that day so she had a head’s up
4 – You could have been considerate and cleaned any other time. (You don’t mention what time she came over, and how long she was sleeping)
Finally, if your sister is homeless and there is a room downstairs she uses to sleep in if she needs, why doesn’t she move in with you and your mom?
I work 30 hours or more. This happened at the end of busy season (taxes).
I live here she doesn’t. I pay bills, take care of mom and take care of the house. That’s why she gives me notices.
I told her I was cleaning, but did not give her a heads up because she’s already on the way. Even if I did, I can’t be quieter and I doubt she would’ve driven back anyways.
She came over like 10/11am? Ish and will leave 6-7pm ish. I’m always cleaning, taking care of mom and working. It’s a lot.
She’s lived here before, but her and mom got into a fight before my mom was diagnosed hence why she hadn’t fully moved in but she is currently shopping for places.
I get it, thank you for clarifying. I might wonder though in a house with two people, how come you’re ‘always cleaning’? I mean, how dirty is it? If your mom is sick, how much of a mess is she making? Laundry can’t be more than twice a week, dishes for two and some vacuuming/dusting. If you work on a rotation and do a half hour a day, you’ll never really need to spend 6 hours cleaning on a weekend. Anyway, like you said she didn’t give you notice so you culdn’t have ‘planned’ around it. Tell her to get herself some earplugs becuase you’re going to go about your business and beggars can’t be choosers, basically.
Is there a reason your homeless but employed sister doesn’t live in the empty room she uses to sleep?
ESH – She should have told you earlier that she was coming so you could plan alternatives. But when she texted to tell you she was coming, You should have told her that you were planning to do noisy chores all day so she could make alternative plans.
Sounds like both of you are in tough spots as homeless night-shift worker and full-time caregiver, respectively. But this situation could have easily been avoided/mitigated if you two fully communicated with each other.
Info: how does your mom feel about your desire to tell your sister to ask for permission to sleep in her home?
Family dynamics mean a lot here. In my home, you’d 110% be YTA and in the wrong to the point where another sibling would interfere and let you know because our parents have always made it crystal clear that no matter how bad things are in any given moment, the parental home is still the family home always.
Not every family is like that, so if your mom is okay that one daughter is homeless while the other lives with her as her caretaker in exchange, then it’s another story.
My mom always just says “to ask OP if there’s anything regarding home stuff”
I get it, grandmas home is the one where you can drop in whenever.
BUT even then, grandma can be noisy all she wants at her house. That’s expected. Even if people are sleeping. Which is why she doesn’t really sleep there.