So I, 24M, have a friend group of 7 people, all about the same age. Me and Lucas, 24M, met them later in life compared to all the other ones, but the group itself stabilised when I entered. I’ll use some names to make the post more tidy and understandable. John [25M], Emily [25F] and Mark[25M] knew each other since middle school, while Luna [23M] and Paul [21M] entered when the others were in high school. Me and John are very close, and we form a tight knit with Lucas and Paul. John is also really close to Emily, who is the closest person to Luna.
Tonight, Emily organised a dinner at her house with John and Luna, while Mark and Paul weren’t in the region. She organised it in private chats with them, and then asked via John to me and Lucas to come to her house after dinner. They didn’t told Lucas they were having dinner first.
At first, I thought nothing of it, then I started thinking that it was sort of rude, and talking about it with Lucas, who came to know about the dinner by me, he agreed with me that it was indeed disrespectful . Especially considering that I am the most available person in the group. I am the one that hosts the most, organises theme-dinners, hosts new year eve, party nights, etc, I thought that I would never do something like this, but that’s why I am here writing.
I anticipated something to John, but after we went our private ways, I texted him letting him know that I considered what Emily did tonight indeed very rude, and that I would be taking a step down from being so available all the time. He said that he didn’t think Emily did nothing wrong, as sometimes He and I also go to dinner together first before hanging out with the others. Mind you, when it happens, it is always because we organise with the others at a certain time, and we meet by ourselves before. I think these two scenarios are separate ones, but he disagrees.
I think that if we choose to hangout in the city, it’s completely up to ourselves to decide what to do before, while if someone of us organises something at his house with the whole group, it isn’t right to split the group in class A and class B. I made to him the example that if I organised a dinner at my house, with just him, Lucas and Paul, and told Marc, Emily and Luna to come after we ate, he would ask me why I didn’t invite the others. He answered that he wouldn’t because it’s my house and I decide who can come and at what time; citing that when we go out to dinner before hanging out with the others, we basically do the same disrespect I was accusing Emily of.
I don’t think that’s the case, but AITA?
I’m not seeing the conflict here. People are allowed to invite who they want to invite.
YTA They have been friends for way longer. They’re allowed to wanna hang out without you. They were being nice by including you after.
Soft YTA. While it was maybe awkward to invite you and lucas after dinner because it let you know they were having dinner without you, they’re entitled to do so. You have no idea why she made that decision – maybe she had a personal issue to discuss with just her oldest friends or about the other oldest friends out of town. Maybe it’s a surprise for you or lucas, maybe money is tight or she wanted to try a recipe with mushrooms and she knows you hate them, etc. there are a million reasons and all are valid. So YTA for telling her that she did something wrong and you’re distancing yourself because of it.
However, while I don’t think you should distance yourself out of hurt, it sounds like you should make yourself less available because that would be a healthier friendship. If you’re putting yourself out being available and hosting to the point that you appear to feel owed some reciprocity (you seem to think it’s worse to exclude you than anyone else), then that’s a sign that you’re overextended. Those feelings you’re having reveal that at least some of what you do for the group, even if it’s just being available, is for a purpose other than purely enjoying their company in those moments – idk why exactly, maybe you’re a people pleaser or you need to be useful to feel like you belong or you that if you’re unavailable they’ll stop inviting you, etc.
If you let this kind of thing bother you. It’ll just build resentment. Accepting that your friends have different relationships with your mutual friends is a part of maturing.
YTA
> group itself stabilised when I entered
You sound very self important. What if they wanted to chat privately about something really personal to John and Luna?
You got invited to afters so not like its a massive secret.
Folk need to learnt that you can hang with certain people at anytime you want.
YTA.
Maybe she’s strapped on cash and didn’t have enough money to host everybody for dinner.
Maybe you should stop keeping points.
YTA. I get why it felt weird, but it doesn’t sound like Emily was trying to be rude. She invited some friends first and then you guys after — that’s not splitting the group to be disrespectful. Hosting at your place isn’t the same as her doing it in her own home.
Feeling left out is fine, but assuming malice here is a bit much. Taking a step back from always being available makes sense, though.
I think anyone would have that moment of feeling shitty that you weren’t included in something, but that’s all it should be- a moment. It didn’t single you out, since other people in the group weren’t impacted, and it’s normal and healthy for people in a group even when they love each other equally to hangout in smaller combos.
YTA. Take a deep breath and go out to dinner with Lucas before you head over.
YTA and if you had been in the dinner group, you wouldn’t think this was a problem. You’re just mad that you were the after-dinner group.
ESH
You’re all friends- is the vibe off?
I wouldn’t put too much weight into Emily’s intention. There could be a dozen reasons for why she had the staggered invite. This sort of stuff happens and I think it’s best not to put too much weight into and just give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Get together and do something fun- maybe a game night or something.
Also, as I was reading this I kept having the sinking feeling I was going to fail a Math word problem from elementary school!
Good luck! Sounds like you’ve got a great group of lifelong friends! 🙌🍻🎉
YTA maybe they wanted a pre-event orgy that didn’t include you
YTA for thinking your friends are required to invite you to every gathering they hold. That is very very much not true. They’re allowed to have a small, intimate dinner with select friends. It’s no skin off your back. If they want to invite more friends to join them after, that’s fine too. If that hurts your feelings, you don’t have to go to the after-dinner gathering.
YTA. Those scenarios are incredibly similar.
YTA. You don’t deserve an automatic invitation. Maybe there was an issue that she wanted to discuss with just them. Maybe she was only up to having a very small dinner. It doesn’t really matter. Friend groups are not an all or nothing thing. Not every friend fits in every situation. People get to have boundaries. And she didn’t exclude you from the whole evening, she still wanted you around because you’re friends.
Look, you’re young. But if you want fulfilling friendships and relationships you HAVE to realize that trying to make them transactional will kill them. (ie I usually host and make dinner so if anybody else does deserve to be invited.) Just no. If you don’t like hosting… Don’t do it. If you do, do. If you’re available, be available. If you aren’t, you aren’t. You have to be your own person and see how that person fits with these other people.