So my mother and my father divorced back in 2020, they were married for 13 years but it was a rocky relationship. My father was absent most of my life and they argued when he was present. The divorce happened after my father became a drug addict and was sneaking out of every single night. My mom would go look for him but after a while it was exhausting. There was also issues with abuse and cheating that happened within their marriage but I was never fully given the details. Their divorce was messy and took about one year to happen.
My mother remarried about a year after the divorce and my father was speaking about getting remarried. However, this would never happen as he would go missing soon after. In all honesty me and my father didn’t get along and the last time we spoke we had an argument which resulted in me calling him selfish and him saying I could die for all he cared. We stopped speaking after that and as I mentioned he went missing. Well it’s been around 3 years since his disappearance and I’ve grieved and accepted that he’s dead at this point. My father overdosed multiple times before he moved away so it just seems like the most plausible explanation.
The other day me and my mom called each other and she was telling me how she hoped my dad was okay, I bluntly responded that he’s most likely dead and she was super upset with what I said. I mean i didn’t think it was that bad but she went on telling me how he’s still my dad and that I shouldn’t talk about him like that. Well my mother’s remarriage hasn’t been going too good and idk if maybe she misses him or not but I just find it weird that she was so upset about it. AITA?
NAH. You’re just stating what you honestly believe based on years of absence and his history. Your mom is reacting emotionally, because even if it’s likely true, it’s still painful for her to hear. Both of you are dealing with grief in your own ways.
ESH but you’re more of the asshole here honestly.
That was a shitty thing to say to her. Grief is really hard, especially when it comes to not getting closure. Think of all the parents of missing kids who hope they’re still okay, despite the fact they’re likely dead. It’s hard to let yourself believe someone is dead when there’s any chance they’re not. Even when people know their loved one is dead, it can be hard to believe and hard to grieve.
That said, she shouldn’t be telling you how to feel either. I get very tired of the whole “but they’re still your parent” argument because it doesn’t matter. Parents can be awful.
Neither of you should be telling the other how to feel or how to grieve.
You’ve processed your separation of you and your father as a death. That’s how you’ve dealt with it. That’s entirely up to you how you process it. I suppose your mother wasn’t really prepared for your view on your father that way, and it was a little shocking for her. She’s not married to him, but I gather she still carers what happens to him.
NAH
I’ll be honest, I immediately went to check your post history to see if you’re active on any of the autism/neurodivergent subreddits.
This big time feels like the kind of blunt honesty autistics are known for that neurotypicals find super offensive – no shade, I’m autistic myself and probably would have had the same reaction in your shoes.
Death is a sensitive topic. People tend to avoid it and prefer willful ignorance over confronting the likely reality. You’re not TA for saying it, but your mom is not TA for finding it insensitive.
It would be kind of you to avoid the topic or be a bit gentler about it around her and others who would be emotionally impacted by thinking about that – but you’re still not TA for stating the truth.
I recently f’d up by mentioning to a relative that even though I qualify for MAiD, my quality of life is good enough that I’m not considering it at this point. I thought this was purely good news that I enjoy being alive! But no, apparently mentioning that I qualify for MAiD is DEEPLY upsetting even if I have no plan to move forward with it. 🤷♂️ Oops! Live and learn.
To me it seems pretty odd that you would check someone’s post history to see if they’re neurodivergent! Does every choice a person makes have to be an open book? It’s one thing to be ON a subreddit (no doubt for purposes of support), it’s another thing entirely to have people stalking & tracking them and drawing very personal conclusions! I think THAT sucks.
Well, I think in a way you’re always going to be bonded with and care about a person you’ve been married to for 13 years and had a child with. It may not be rational after all he put her through but it can still happen. I haven’t spoken to my own abusive biological father in like.. almost a decade, except for one quick message of condolences I sent him when his father/my grandpa died. He immediately pissed me off so it was very quick. But I feel like I would still feel some sort of way if I learnt he died, although I wouldn’t care enough to go to the funeral probably… thankfully my mother would never pull that “he’s still your father” bs but some of my family definitely would. It’s just… human, right or not. I don’t think either of you are aholes. NAH
How old are you?
NAH, im from a family where my father OD’D and passed when i was 3 months old and my mother was a mentally ill addict herself, who relapsed after 15 years in prison, there were many nights I assumed id get the call that she passed of overdose as well. The blunt honesty with your mom isn’t a bad thing, and its not your responsibility to prepare her for the reality of the situation. But that is the reality of it. In the same way your father dosnt care if you live or die, you may feel the same about him.
NTA.
It’s not your job even as adult offspring to protect her feelings about something that structurally affected you more deeply than it did her. She had a life before meeting him; you never did.
It’s not his job, but you can still temper what you say when it comes to things that might hurt your loved ones.
Op’s nta really, but going forward he could be more delicate if he cares about his mom’s feelings.
NAH or autistic as people want to say; you have no obligation to parent your mother through the grief she should have processed by now. How’s her new hubs feeling about her commitment to worrying about someone who’s proven to be a vast waste of emotional energy? If I was the one salvaging that mess; an insistence on not only looking back, but being reactionary to likely truth would be problematic for me. I’m sorry she’s projecting unresolved crap onto you instead of being a mom.
This is tough- bought your mother loved your father once and planned a life with him. She may not miss who he became but she is grieving the loss of the husband she loves.
She probably always hopes, even if she moved on, that he’ll find himself and save himself.
I don’t blame you for any resentment of your father or cutting him off. But YTA for believing everyone should feel the same as you about painful complicated things.
YTA. People who are practical and clinical about risk, mortality, and generally unpleasant realities are a minority and we have some responsibility to be a bit considerate of the vast majority who are less so. You can be happy with your current spouse and still be grief stricken at the prospect of your prior spouse of 13 years, and the father of your children, being dead. That’s actually much more normal than the ones who can just shut off caring like a tap because the relationship ended badly.