I’m not together with my oldest child’s mom. I’m in a separate but sometimes struggle-seeming marriage with someone else of whom we have 2 younger kids.
I only get 50/50 time with my oldest and that’s been as hard as you can imagine. I miss so much. Yesterday we celebrated an early thanksgiving with family and he couldn’t be there because of how much my spouse and parents would protest. In this case it was Flu-A but more than 48 hrs and 3+ doses of tamiflu later. Anyways I conceded and had him stay at his moms. This year is our year for Thanksgiving and it was already challenged, this didn’t help.
Anyways as I have before, I take the stance I don’t care if my oldest is sick. It’s my job to take care of them too. Just like my younger two… if I have to keep healthy folks separate and Lysol a bunch extra then that’s the cost of being a parent.
My SO lost her mind on me when she found out the next day (today) i went to pick my oldest up (resuming my regular weekend). This is a stance my SO takes every time my oldest is sick… that it’s selfish of me having everyone at our house. My SO has issues with anxiety and I can’t help but think this is related. I do so much to help in other ways but these way I just don’t want to compromise.
I struggle to find middle ground and worry it’s impacting our marriage at this point. If I’m wrong (or the AH) I need to figure this out now because I don’t want to lose my marriage but right now me being with my kids is taking the highest priority. Am I the AH? Anyone help me see it differently?
YTA. You wanted to bring a child with the flu to a family events because you don’t see him enough. Flu could be deadly, and it’s worse for the elderly. And I bet your sick child would have rather stayed home and rested. It is absolutely selfish to put your missing your son above everyone’s health.
So you bring a child with the flu, to a house filled with family because you ‘have’ to take care of them??? YTA for exposing everyone to their germs/viruses…
I would be enraged if I found out being at that house
100 this. Crappy parenting, crappy behaviour towards his ex and very crappy behaviour towards the rest of the family who he’s intent on exposing to the flu.
Plus, moving a sick child. Just leave them in bed.
Not to mention instead of letting the already sick and miserable kid stay in his warm home already bundled up in bed with his mom’s complete attention. OP wants to force a sick kid to pack up for a week while sick, get dressed, go outside, deal with the drive, deal with the jumble of going into Dad’s house while feeling sick and miserable, and not having dad’s complete attention because of guests and siblings, and all the while spreading the flu to his siblings, stepmom, and all the guests.
I firmly believe in that once a kid is sick in bed the best thing to do in a split family like this is is to leave the kid where they got sick. The sickness is already in that house anyways unlike their other parent’s home potentially.
YTA.
Flu can really be dangerous, potentially deadly to infants and small children. If she just doesn’t like your child, that’s a different conversation, but not wanting to spend Thanksgiving taking care of sick kids, possibly all of them, possibly while sick yourself if she catches it, is super reasonable.
The last thing a sick person wants to do is travel. Just let the poor child stay wherever they are, when they fall I’ll. If he’s with you, he stays at your house and if he’s ill when he’s at his mum’s – he stays there.
YTA. I get wanting to be with your sick kid, but bringing them into a house with your other kids isn’t fair. Your SO’s concerns about exposing them are valid, and sometimes being a parent means making tough choices for everyone’s health.
Hopefully your 3rd marriage is better
I was going to say hopefully he learns grammar. I can’t even determine what the issue is because of how terribly this is written.
Sorry YTA. You know what works even better than Lysol and isolation? Not bringing a sick person into your house. You risk your other children, your spouse and even yourself when you bring a sick person into your house.
You don’t mention your ex so I assume she’s fine keeping your sick child at home and considering she’s already exposed you’re just spreading more germs across more people.
It’s noble of you to want to care for them but the rule should be that wherever they get sick that’s where they stay until they’re better.
YTA.
You make your sick child come to your house so you can take care of them, while also exposing yourself and the other people in your house to unnecessary germs?
Let your child stay with their mom, and offer to bring them some medicine or Gatorade or something to let them know you care about them. That should be enough
I think it says a lot about you as a parent that time with your child is time with your child, and you want to be with them even (and especially) when they’re sick. As a child of divorce, I know my dad would politely bow out of his weekends at the first sign it wasn’t going to be perfect happy fun times, whether one of us was sick, grounded, in a bad mood, had to study, etc. It’s incredibly admirable that you don’t feel willing to give up your time with your kid just because of a little adversity.
That being said— yes, YTA, in the gentlest, least asshole way possible. Ultimately you do have a blended family, and the decision on this came down to what was best for *everyone*.
It wouldn’t be fair to your two youngest to get them sick
It wouldn’t be fair to your wife to manage sick kids
It wouldn’t be fair to your in-laws to come down with something right before the actual holiday
And most importantly, while I’m sure they’d love to see you— it wouldn’t be fair to your oldest to make them pack up and re-settle at your house while they’re sick, especially with family activities, loudness, etc. around.
If you’re able (depending on your relationship with your ex), this would have been a good time to see if you could negotiate watching a movie together with your child at your ex’s house, or bring over some warm dinner your kid can have as a special treat in bed. If your relationship with your ex is more of the “that person will never cross this threshold” type, an online board game or a facetime while you watch a show together (in different places) might have been nice.