My husband (40M) and I (38F) had been married for 5 years. On our 4th year of marriage I became extremely ill and was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. It was news I could have never expected so young, we had plans to start a family and it turned our world upside down. I began to lose my hair after chemotherapy and became very insecure about it. My husband thought it was a great idea to buy me a "just because" basket for my favorite items, which I thought was incredibly sweet especially because he isn’t a huge gift giving person. Well as I start to look through the basket there was a large bottle of shampoo when we had previous discussed how odd and sad it feels not to be purchasing shampoo, condition, and other hair care items as I normally would and it was a sore subject for me so it has always been a lot easier for me to just use soap and or a facial wash on my head. I feel that his initial overall gesture was nice but the buying and gifting off shampoo just really rubbed me the wrong way and I still don’t know how to feel besides hurt.
NAH
He might still be in a bit of denial, and he might have bought it because he thought some semblance of normalcy would cheer you up. I’m a cancer widow myself and I often felt very helpless, wanting to be able to give reassurance without giving false hope. It was often like walking a tightrope.
That being said, your emotions are valid, and it’s okay to feel hurt even if you know consciously he wasn’t trying to hurt you.
NAH – I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m wishing you a healthy recovery. I know it must have been hurtful to receive that shampoo and it’s valid to be upset, but I think it’s important to consider that he had no ill intentions.
Maybe this is hopefulness about recovery when you will need shampoo again?
Ouch I can understand why that wot hurt.
Do you think it’s possible it was meant as a talisman type gift? 💝🎁 That you will beat this and when your hair grows back more lustrous than ever your shampoo will be ready and waiting?
I’m sending you those vibes and wishing you a quick and full recovery.
Fellow breast cancer survivor here – all my hair fell out after the 2nd round of chemo. You’re going through it & your husband is doing his best. He probably went through the bathroom and made a list of all your items. Did he mess up? Yeah. But his heart was in the right place. NAH. Hope all goes well in your treatment.
NAH. it’s possible he thought, ‘she misses shampoo so I’ll get her some!’ Without fully thinking it through. It’s also understandable that you would be upset.
I think his heart was in the right place, and I’m sure he didn’t realize that there was shampoo in there. Consider it a misstep on his part, and let it go. You have to remember, he wasn’t planning on you having cancer either and he has to adjust as well. He’s trying to figure out the best way to be supportive.
NAH. He was trying to be thoughtful and probably just didn’t remember. Like he knew you don’t need shampoo but he bought a bunch of self care stuff and it didn’t click when purchased all together. I think it’s an innocent mistake.
NAH. He clearly didn’t think it through and he should have, but he’s probably also having difficulty adjusting to this diagnosis. Or who knows, maybe he was thinking of it as aspirational shampoo, something to have during recovery. Maybe talk to him about how you’re feeling and what is going on inside him.
NAH; did you guys talk at all about how it made you feel or why he included this specifically? If the rest of it was thoughtful, I’m thinking he saw the shampoo and thought of it as a hopeful/sign of normalcy thing. Of course you are allowed to feel your feelings but I think a conversation would be needed and helpful here. Sending you peaceful healing vibes.
NAH. I don’t know if he was just thoughtless or he thought you might need it for future and it was supposed to be positive. It’s not ideal and I’d probably tell him so it doesn’t happen again but surely it wasn’t malicious
NAH, unless he is the type of person to routinely give thoughtless gifts. My feelings would be hurt too, but I would also try really hard to see the love behind the gesture. Sending positive vibes your way!
Never TA for a feeling.
However, you said that you know your husband was doing something nice. Approaching every interaction with your husband with the knowledge and attitude that he’s a man of good will is a relationship game changer. In this case, he wasn’t trying to upset you, he wasn’t trying to be thoughtless, he loves you and is a man of good will. He was trying to do something kind for you. Receive it that way. Things will still land wrong sometimes but receiving it as the act of kindness and goodwill it was intended to be is never ever a mistake.
If you google it, it’s often recommended to use gentle shampoo even during and after chemo to keep your scalp clean and balanced. It’s quite possible he googled a list of things to get you in a care basket and this was listed among them. Even if he didn’t, it was either an oversight (humans make mistakes) or he wanted you to feel somewhat normal or hopeful. You could also ask him why he got it. You can be upset but IMO nothing worth staying mad over.
I hope your treatment goes incredible!