I (16M) just went out to the supermarket with my parents (49M and 46F) to buy some food for our upcoming vacation. When we got out of the car and walked back home, we all held some bags. While in the lift, my dad offered to take my bags and I let him, which made my mom upset. She said I should have insisted to keep holding it, which didn’t make sense to me.
When we reached home, we continued the argument. I tried explaining to her that if he wants to hold it, who am I to deny it? He knows better than me, and out of respect for him, I trust his request, even if I don’t know 100% why. She said she was disgusted by me saying it was because I "respected" him, and then raised an example of if it was my grandmother instead, and she offered to hold my bags (even when she was already holding some bags herself). And although this example showed me why I might LOOK like an asshole, I still don’t get if I am (and if I am, why?) Who am I to assume I know better than her? Doing this would be as good as saying "Don’t be ridiculous, you’re so frail and weak, there’s no way you can hold my bags. I can do a way better job than you, and you’re stupid to ask me this."
If my dad prefers to hold the bags, and I also prefer to hold the bags, then why do I get to determine "I get what I want, you don’t"? Is it not out of respect that I give my father what he wants? And if not, then what should I do in future? Should I just always assume I know better than the other person?
I asked my dad about what he genuinely preferred and what he wanted me to do in the future, but he said "there’s no preference" (which doesn’t make sense to me? why ask the question then?) and I should "read between the lines". My parents tried to explain it to me (my mom tried explaining once she realised I wasn’t being condescending and that I genuinely didn’t understand) but I still don’t get it. I always mean what I say and say what I mean.
I know I’m going to look like an asshole here, but I don’t know if I actually am, and if so, why. Nevertheless, I’m open for people to explain why I am. I feel like I might just be uneducated on this topic (I’m a teenager, so I get that I don’t know a lot of things). So, AITA?
I think your mum is upset that your dad didn’t help her with her bags and is mad at the wrong person. NTA but that’s my best guess!
Eesh, that’s frightening.
OP, that might be a dynamic to watch for, for your own safety.
NTA. Your dad offered; you accepted. End of argument.
NTA, for goodness sake. Your Mom is overreacting. If your Dad didn’t want to take the bags, he wouldn’t have offered. It just sounds like a Dad thing to do. Maybe your Mom was miffed because he didn’t offer to take hers.
NTA. Your mom is pulling shit out of thin air to start an argument lol, that’s just ridiculous.
Probably because he didn’t offer to carry his wife’s bags first.
Then maybe be angry at the person you’re actually angry at and not pull shit out of thin air for others? Lmao what
This is such a non-issue. Why is your mom making a big deal with this? It sounds like there’s another issue here.
NTA. My Dad is 75 and still insists on holding doors and carrying things for me (44F). He’d be offended if I refused. It’s an act of chivalry for him and important to his self-image, even though I can do those things perfectly well on my own, and I appreciate the love behind the gesture.
What puzzles me is your dad’s response that you should “read between the lines”. Is he the kind of person who plays games and says things to be polite that he doesn’t really mean? You might want to be more cautious about accepting his offers of help in the future if he’s being dishonest about it.
NAH
Unless you were moaning and complaining about how heavy the bags were, your dad offered to be kind, and you allowed him.
For future though, let’s be clear, he ‘offered’, he didn’t ‘request’ to hold the bags. To say you ‘trusted his request’ is silly. Why else would he offer to take the bags? Were you carrying delicate china that would break and he wanted to make sure it was safe? No. This was just food, and you’re 16, more than capable of carrying grocery bags.
Your argument about who is the one to get what they want is ridiculous. No one genuinely WANTS to hold grocery bags, it’s a chore. What your dad would like, is to see you acting responsible, carry your share of bags, do it will without complaining, and contribute to the chores of the household. Sounds like he was just too ‘conflict averse’ to say it to you.
You should absolutely be carrying your own load of bags. So you just stood in the lift with empty hands while your parents carried all the bags? Didn’t you feel a little ridiculous? Didn’t you think you SHOULD be carrying some of the load?
This was your hint to start growing up a bit and carry your share. You’re old enough.
“That’s ok dad, I’ve got it!’ Try that next time.
NTA. Tell them to stop beating around the bush, that you’re not a psychic, and that if your father doesn’t want to hold the bags, he shouldn’t ask, and that he should definitely not expect you to guess what he actually means by “reading between the lines.”
My brain hurts just reading that.
I don’t even understand this situation. Your dad offers to carry your bags and your mother criticizes you while your father just, what?? Stands there? Your parents sound like they are playing some weird mind games with you.
imagine the bags are a trust test and respect is mutual not control
NTA. Your dad offered and you accepted, end of discussion.
BUT, as you seem to generally be asking for clarification and understanding, there are unwritten rules in most societies that the strong help the weak and the younger respect and help the elders.
So for example, as you are 16M, and you didn’t describe your dad, for this example let’s say your dad is 36 and a strong, powerful man. As your father and someone maybe equally strong or stronger than you, it was a kind thing to do for him to take your bags.
But in another example, as you are 16M, maybe you’re the 5th child and your father is 52, out of shape, gets out of breath, and has a bad back. in this scenario your mom would be upset because you accepted his offer when you are both younger and stronger. In your mom’s eyes, her unspoken expectation would have been that instead of accepting, out of love for your father you would have countered and instead said, “No dad, here, let me take yours instead.”
The world we live in now tends to greatly prefer direct speech with no hidden expectations or rules. And that’s not a bad thing at all as long as we use kindness. But remember that in past generations there was a great deal of training and energy spent on manners and knowing all of these unspoken social scripts that would be entirely rude to have to say out loud. That’s where your mom is coming from. She seems to have found it disrespectful that a young almost-man allowed an elder to take their burden, and also probably felt embarrassed that she failed to teach you this.
You however, seem to be a person who takes things at face value, and are NTA because you missed that there was a game being played that you weren’t aware of.