I’m a 23-year-old woman who grew up in a tiny suburban town where everyone knew everyone. My bullying started in elementary school because of my uncommon name. Kids latched onto it immediately. Home wasn’t safe either I grew up with yelling and abuse, so I stayed quiet and kept my head down. The stress gave me a learning disability and made me almost completely nonverbal for years. It also caused a staring issue from anxiety, which only made the bullying worse.
Middle school was even worse. Four towns merged into one school and somehow kids already “knew” my name before meeting me. I lasted one year before my parents had to move me because the bullying became unbearable.
By 21 I tried giving myself another chance at life. I started going out, meeting people, making small talk.At first it went ok but the second names were exchanged everything changed. People would pull away, go quiet, act weird or disappear. I kept thinking How do these people know anything about me? I hadn’t seen anyone from school in almost a decade. I never hung out with anyone.I never had friends. So what exactly could people be saying about me?
Eventually it became clear everything traced back to middle school a place I left over nine years ago but a place my name somehow never left. After being ignored repeatedly and hearing “ I’ve heard of you” “ik u” from people I did not know at all , I finally stopped using my real name. I started going by my middle name and instantly everything changed. People talked to me like I was a real person, They smiled at me. They were kind to me, I could hold conversations. I made acquaintances. For the first time ever, people got to know me, not the ghost of a rumor.
Recently I talked to a guy for a month. We FaceTimed every night, texted constantly, talked for hours on phone, sent reels back and forth, played video games it felt like a real connection. I took a while to meet him because I own a house,have four animals and work a demanding job.
When we finally met in person, the date went great the kind you see in movies but toward the end, I got comfortable and accidentally said my real name somehow
He repeated it with an uncomfortable smile and said, “Oh… I’ve heard of you.” He looked confused
I felt my stomach drop. he wasn’t the same. He tried but his energy shifted and I tried to keep things as normal by time I dropped him off thirty minutes later when I walked into my house as my front door shut he texted saying he had a great time but didn’t think we should stay in contact. He said not to take it personally and that he “wasn’t ready for a relationship,” but I knew exactly what changed. I had a horrible anxiety attack.
So now I’m asking:
Am I the asshole for hiding my real name just to have normal human interaction?
People destroyed my name when I was a quiet, nonverbal kid who hurt no one. Sometimes it feels like the only way I can live a normal life is by hiding the identity everyone else invented for me.
You’re an adult. Get a legal name change.
Exactly change your name and then MOVE. You do not need to keep either of these things.
What the heck? Is your real name Adolf? How could you have been such a quiet person and nine years later people “have heard of you?” I doubt it in my small town that would happen to the local serial criminal. I can’t think of five people from jr high school, other than my small circle of friends.
Use any name you want to. I might move farther away and name myself something fun.
Just change your name, legally
definitely nta but how bad can your name be that people hear about it across like the whole state.
I don’t understand how this can possibly make sense in a suburban context, unless if your name is Adolfa Hitlerdidnothingwrong.
I grew up in a rural town where all 2000 people knew everyone, but no one in the next town over would bat an eye at your last name unless you were the exact same age, in the same sport, or had a very distinctive criminal record. Even if that were true, you could probably get through multiple successful dates until the rumor mill starting churning. My college friends who grew up in the suburbs didn’t even know their own high school class, let alone the next high school over.
For creative writing, you should try to do better.
Move away and start fresh.
Stories that didn’t happen for 100, Trabek.
I’m surprised they didn’t even try to make the story believable. It was just so stupid the entire way through.
NTA.
Have you considered changing your name legally? It sounds like the name you were given has haunted you and will continue to do so. It will take some time to get the paperwork through the system and will cost some money, but this may be the best way to leave that name behind you for good.
Good luck, OP. I hope you can work this out quickly and get on with having a great life.
Info: have you ever asked these people what they associate with your name?!! That is a lot
~~I-N-F-O~~ **UPDATE:** changed to YTA because of OP’s reply below. She’s choosing to wallow in misery.
For the love of god, you are 23 years old. You can legally change your name to anything you want. You need never utter your original name again, to anyone.
So WHY haven’t you changed it? Why are you still dragging around this ball and chain of a name that you hate?
You gave us a huge amount of detail about the unhappiness your name has caused you and is still causing you, but **the one question you failed to answer is why you haven’t changed it yet**.
And if your answer is “Because my parents would be upset if I did”, come up with a better one. Does your parents’ hypothetical disapproval outweigh the lifetime of misery their choice of name has inflicted on you?
Move out of this town. Start somewhere fresh.
I’m guessing that the town knows something about your family that you don’t. Honestly at this point you have nothing to lose so you should call this guy up and just ask him point blank about his reaction when he learned your name. Ask him what people say about you.