Me[29 female] Best Friend [26 male] I live with my best friend. We’ve been friends for almost 2 years now. We spend every day together. On his birthday, I surprised him with the whole trendy morning birthday surprise. I set up balloons, a cake, a card and a gift in an esthetic way for him to wake up to. I surprised him with a day trip up north to go do a few hikes he’s said he’s wanted to do. I paid for everything and even drove. Fed him all day and blew out candles with him at the end of the night. He didn’t ask me to do any of it. He would’ve been fine without it, but he did express how grateful he was and that it was his favorite birthday. Well….My birthday is in 5 days. I know he hasn’t bought any presents yet. He doesn’t plan ahead. Any time we go out to eat or hangout I’m constantly picking where we go bc he wants me to. Even when I tell him it’s his big day and he should decide, he will still have me pick. He will typically pay, but I always try to pay for myself. Occasionally, he’ll let me pay. He says it’s embarrassing if I’m the one to pay when he is the male. Kinda weird about that. It’s caused some fights, so I just let him now. He also has a lot of food restrictions, so it makes it hard on me to have to pick. I also hate to always be the one to plan every single thing we do. I’m afraid when my birthday comes I will wake up to nothing. I will still have to pick everything we do and he won’t get me a cake. Am I an AH for expecting him to do any of this without asking him specifically to? I’ve told him in the past what I expect and hint at things I would want as a gift. He’s asked me for a birthday present list, but I want him to put some effort into it. I would like him to try to remember what I’ve said I’ve needed/wanted. I feel like it takes the fun out of being surprised if I just ask for exactly what I want and I get exactly what I want. Maybe I’m the weird one about that. I bought myself my own birthday present which was a new pair of sneakers. I showed them to him and told him they were my birthday present to myself… he kinda “acted” like “ahh man huh okay” as IF he got me the same pair or something similar. I know he didn’t though. He’s a very good actor and it felt a little more like he forgot my birthday was this week and was trying to cover up with him “possibly” having got the same/similar thing for me. I’m afraid none of it will happen and I will be very sad on my birthday. I have other great friends who want to take me out and would I be the even bigger AH if he doesn’t plan or get me anything to just not do anything with him then and just go out with my friends who did plan something for me?
Sounds like a full on relationship.
Its amazing what you do for him and your attitude to people.
Hes just different, you know he is. So why you trying to change him like hes been your boyfriend for 10 years and he still won’t take the hint on birthdays and your love language.
You can also spend it without him and should be met with zero issues.
Absolutely this.
OP, its quite the “giving him the wife treatment before he gives you the ring”.
You do not have to spend every day with him. You did not need to do all that for his birthday. You wanted to. That’s the difference. **If he wanted to, he would**, and considering you’re just friends, he would not be the AH for not planning an entire day for you.
Sure, it’d be nice, but it sounds like you have very different best friend energy. There are people out there that share your same energy to best friendships. Maybe take a recheck of what you consider a “best friend” and consider if he is one to you, or its more a one sided thing because “hes the one I’ve spent the most time with”.
NAH.
No one is TAH. Do you have a mutual friend you could get to ask him? Also low key curious if you have a thing for him lol. Do you expect something specifically from him bc you did so much for him? It can’t be a tit for tat.
I totally get you wanting someone to put in the same effort that you did for them. Unfortunately, people show affection in different ways. I had a friend that got mad I didn’t post an insta story on her bday. To me that made no sense, bc I didn’t care about that so I didn’t even think about it. You either need to be okay with not receiving anything close to what you did for him, or mention to him you want to do something for your bday.
You’re right. It shouldn’t be a tit for tat. A real friend wouldn’t care. We aren’t in a relationship, so I really shouldn’t be expecting anything. Maybe I’m just projecting what I wish a real boyfriend would do, but I’m not in a relationship, so I’ve subconsciously made it his responsibility to fill that expectation. Damn…. :/
I don’t think you’re a “fake friend” for caring or being sad. You treat your friends how you want to be treated. Unfortunate reality is not everyone in a friendships will feel the same way (in terms of how to show appreciation to that friendship), which can suck and make you feel they don’t care, but that’s not always the case.
If he knew you well, he’d know you want that stuff. Regardless, I hope you have a good birthday with your friends, with or without him.
The world is divided between the thoughtfuls and the thoughtless. You’re obviously a thoughtful person. You’re into planning perfect surprises and gifts. It looks like your friend isn’t. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t have that drive. Now with most friendship/roommate situations the perfect birthday you did for him would be off the charts. Honestly, this sounded like what you’d do for a significant other, minus the birthday sex. Are you into this guy or what?
Why don’t you just ask him if he’s planning something? Wouldn’t he go out with you and your other friends if they planned something?
Girl take a breath, damn. Nobody has done anything wrong here, and nobody is planning to do anything wrong. Do whatever you like on your birthday! This is not a catastrophe.
Oh for fuck’s sake. ESH. OP, gurl. Stop tying your happiness to things you can’t control, like what other people do. You can’t expect him to do any of this.
The biggest present you can give yourself is to quit wasting your time on his weaponized incompetence and go out with people who actually plan ahead for your birthday.
I already can’t stand him just from your post. He can get outta here with that toxic “but I’m a man so I have to pay or else I’m EmBaRrAsSeD” sexism. If he can’t even pick a damn restaurant on his own, then I wouldn’t be expecting any miracles for your bday.
ESH. Your expectations of your “friend” are too high.