Hello, I (21M), and my GF (24F), live with my mom (55F). It’s not ideal, but it’s temporary to save on money while we look for our own place. She doesn’t charge us rent or utilities or anything, and pays for most of the household food. She is very generous and we’ve told her how much we appreciate it. (She has a good job). Here’s the problem. She has come to expect us (mostly me) to do just about everything for her in return. For some context, my father passed earlier this year, and it’s come the to point where she treats me like i’m him. I do almost all of the grocery shopping, which means even when i just want to go for a few quick things i’m getting asked to get a bunch of things by her or my 17F sister who also lives here, turning every trip into a big endeavor. Me or my GF do the dishes just about every time, and even though it wasn’t formally agreed upon, it’s become more of an expectation and not us helping out. Now I don’t mind this part necessarily because I do think it’s fair to help out instead of paying, obviously. The thing that really irks me is that she will ask me to do things that she is 100% capable of doing herself, and if I don’t they just don’t get done and then it’s my fault. Like if she buys something that needs to be set up, even if it has instructions she’ll tell me to do it. Or even wanting something googled she’ll tell me to look it up when she could just look it up herself. This is a daily thing. I know it sounds like I just don’t want to help out but it truly gets exhausting being asked to figure everything out all the time. If something is broken it’s gotta be me who fixes it. Today she mentioned wanting to have a garage sale and she was like “i’ll need your help tremendously” (meaning i need to do everything, because that’s what always happens) and after already being told it’s my fault that we don’t have a working shredder (because i didn’t fix it) i got a little fed up and mentioned how i’d also have my own stuff to prepare and that maybe my sister could help more (she rarely does chores). I said i felt like i do everything and she asked me to explain what the everything i do is and i told her about what i said earlier in this post. For a moment she seemed apologetic, admitting she acts like I’m my dad, but it quickly turned into “well i pay for everything around here” and her just completely holding that over my head. She makes me feel like i’m not allowed to have any issues with her because of this living situation, she brings it up every time which i don’t think is fair. AITA?
YTA
>The thing that really irks me is that she will ask me to do things that she is 100% capable of doing herself,
You and your girlfriend are also 100% capable of getting jobs and finding your own place to live, and paying your own living expenses…yet you’re at home having your housing and living expenses paid for by your mom.
ESH for the lack of communication.
You all need to sit down and agree on an established list of tasks you and your girlfriend both do to help out instead of paying rent.
When I worked seasonally in my field, I used my family’s house as a ‘home base’ between seasons. I worked part time to make money and pay expenses, and spent 8hrs a week doing household tasks my family either didn’t want to do or couldn’t instead of paying rent. I also contributed an agreed amount of money for groceries and utilities while I was staying there – especially so I wouldn’t be a financial drain on my parents who were starting to gear up for retirement. I also had an agreed upon list of weekly chores I was in charge of just as being a member of the household (so did the rest of my family). This arrangement worked well for us for years, until I was able to get promoted to a position that worked year-round instead of seasonally.
I’ll be honest, a lot of what you’re describing sounds reasonable to ask in exchange for saving potentially thousands of dollars on rent. However, it sounds like none of you took the time to have a conversation about what living together would look like ahead of time, which is building resentment. Have that conversation.
INFO: Are you and/or girlfriend employed? It’s important to understand that if you are not financially contributing your fair share then helping around the house is your only currency. No one is holding anything over your head unless your mom is trying to force you to stay in her house. Your sister is a minor and cannot be expected to take on as much as you are expected to do.
Sorry, but YTA.
All those things that she’s asking you to do? It’s expected that you do them, since you and your girlfriend are living rent-free in her house. If you don’t like it, then maybe you should move out. You have to remember that she’s not only taking care of you; she’s also taking care of your girlfriend, who is also living in her house. You’re not paying for anything, not even for food or groceries, so why complain?
YTA You mention doing dishes and grocery shopping but not cooking for any meals. Those are the bare basics of adulting.
You mention being asked to set things up etc. Again, those are basic adult tasks to help a household function.
If you calculated rent in a furnished home with utilities included, I bet that would be a lot more than the time you spend on tasks multiplied by your hourly rate.
I am sorry about your father. That must be very hard on your whole family.
IMO ESH, but not because any of you are assholes, I think you’re all still grieving the loss of your Dad. I went through something like this with my Mom after my Dad died. She suddenly became helpless on things that I knew she could do herself. Sit down and have a conversation with her to define both her and your expectations for this arrangement. Like, “I don’t mind doing the dishes everyday, but I do mind when you ask me to fix the appliances”. It’s hard because everyone grieves in their own way, but open communication is key. She probably doesnt realize the strain she is putting on you nor do you understand her struggles.
Look, to be honest I get it, but also NAH.
Your mother has two whole extra adults living in her home, with no other grown adult to support her. She’s paying for almost *all* of your expenses to help you to get ahead in life.
Something you’ll learn as you get older (as in you learn it more and more, not that you’re not smart enough to get it because you’re young, you just understand even *more* the older you get) is that if something doesn’t cost you money, it costs you time.
So if you’re not paying to eat, not paying rent, not paying utilities, it’s a fair expectation that you pay with your time and effort for other things. Yes she shouldn’t use you as a surrogate for the effort in the home that her husband used to fill… But also, she shouldn’t be expected to foot the bill for two adults in her home AND her teenaged daughter AND not expect a reasonable compensation in some form. Mother or not, that’s a huge ask.
She recognised that she’s probably leaning on you a bit much, but her turning it into her paying for everything isn’t necessarily an unfair assessment.
In this case while you might feel a bit fried by having all the extra house duties that she’s putting onto you, if it were me personally I’d suck it up. You will very probably never get to live rent, fees, and costs free again in your life. Her doing all of this for you is very clearly because she loves you, and she can afford to do so.
I would suggest sitting down with her and your GF and asking to make a ‘responsibilities’ agreement. Tasks that each of you will do without being asked or reminded of that are expectations of reasonable return – that is, what it’s reasonable to expect for what you’re being given with the free room and board.
Then add a ‘five extra tasks per week’ item. Each item can be whatever she wants it to be, but it means she has to think mindfully about how she wants to use those tasks because once she’s called on you once to do something extra, you can say that you’ve filled your reasonable expectation task for the day if it seems unreasonable. It also gives you two days a week where you’re not expected to fulfil additional random tasking for her.
I would also say that your GF should have extra tasks as well. That’s fair, she’s another adult living rent/bill free in the home. That might also reduce some of the expectation on you, because I’m guessing mum doesn’t feel as comfortable asking her to do things as her own son.
You’re in a tricky position where, had you just been a room and board paying tenant you could tell her to take a running jump. But she’s doing a huge favour for you (as you’re obviously well aware!) so that and the fact that she’s your parent puts you in a position of inequality.
You want to be able to look back at the time and think of it as one of the best times in your family life, and with open and respectful communication there’s no reason that can’t happen 🙂
YTA
Your mother just lost her husband, your father and she is still working hard and providing a roof and food not just for you, but also for your girlfriend, and you complain that she asks you to do your part? She asks for your help to do the grocery shopping while she pays for it and you’re mad?
Buddy, move out with your girl. That poor lady can just use the money she saves by not feeding two extra ungrateful mouths and hire someone to take care of what needs to be done.
She’s your widowed mother, grow up and do better.
YTA.
Pause for a moment and reflect on your good fortune compared to other people in their twenties.
You and your girlfriend are living there rent-free. That alone is an amazingly good deal.
But wait, there’s more. You and your girlfriend pay for none of the utilities, and I presume very little of the food you eat, because you said your mom pays for most of the food.
She is being incredibly generous. The only downside is that she expects you to do some things to earn your keep. Frankly, I think you’ve got more than a fair deal. I know some young people who would trade places with you in a heartbeat!
Yet here you are whining that you’re expected to do these things.
*Me or my GF do the dishes just about every time, and even though it wasn’t formally agreed upon, it’s become more of an expectation and not us helping out.*
Oh, please. You haven’t mentioned who does the cooking, and I’m pretty sure if it were you, you’d have said so. Is it your mom who does the cooking? And you’re grumbling because doing the dishes has turned into an expectation? It SHOULD be an expectation! He who doesn’t do the cooking should do the cleaning up afterwards.
*Now I don’t mind this part necessarily because I do think it’s fair to help out instead of paying, obviously.*
You should do more than “not mind” doing the dishes. You should EXPECT to do the dishes as the bare minimum in thanks for her doing the cooking. AND you should expect to do the shopping, which is the other thing you’re bleating about.
*The thing that really irks me is that she will ask me to do things that she is 100% capable of doing herself,*
Maybe she’s time-poor. Maybe she’s tired. Maybe she just wants to sit down and put her feet up. Maybe she’s overwhelmed with sadness and not coping with life as well as she used to.
She’s allowed to outsource any task she wants, whether she knows how to do them or not, and the logical people to outsource them to are the adult son and his adult girlfriend who are living with her and paying nothing.
I’m guessing that she has reached a stage in life where her time, her energy, and her mental health are more important to her than money. So she has decided it’s worth more to her to heavily subsidize the lifestyle you enjoy, in order to have some more leisure time.
*it quickly turned into “well i pay for everything around here” and her just completely holding that over my head.*
She’s allowed to “hold it over your head”. She IS paying for everything, you and your girlfriend are still getting the best part of the deal by far, and she is allowed to remind you of that fact when you start acting like a petulant teenager.
If you don’t think you’re getting an incredibly generous deal, then you can either start paying something towards your keep, or you can move out.
I suspect your mom is regretting ever making this offer to you, given that you don’t seem very appreciative of it. Yes, I’ve no doubt you’ve been TELLING her how grateful you are. But you’re sure as hell not SHOWING it in your actions.
gentle YTA. it sucks but OP, the only way you’ll be free of this dynamic of your mom relying on you is to get your own place w your GF. i have a very similar experience- my dad passed away 8 months ago and my mother and i developed unhealthy patterns. if i can offer any advice, it’s that the best way out of this situation is to take steps back and heal from your grief separate from one another for a little while.
Wow. You live rent free anf are complaining about helping maintain the home you have been provided for free. You dont pay for groceries, but complain about having to do the grocery shopping that your mother is paying for. Your mother cooks for you and you are complaining about doing the dishes. You know how to “set your boundaries”?? Go get a place of your own and stop letting mommy support you AND your gf.
YTA. None of the stuff you’ve mentioned is particularly onerous. Who does all the cooking and cleaning?
You are getting free housing and food for yourself AND your girlfriend, but you’re whining about having to shop, do the dishes and help with your mum’s projects? Move out.
I don’t understand how doing as much as your dad is an unacceptable bar for you.
He was an adult living in the household and did an adult amount of the work needed being done in the household, assumedly in addition to bringing in a significant part of the money paying for the household.
You are an adult living in the household, not bringing in much money for the household costs.
So INFO: Unless you are studying so you have less time after working hours, why would you not do the same amount of work for the household as your dad?
YTA. You do know that if you move out, you still have to do those things for yourself AND pay rent. It’s part of living.