I am extremely conflicted with morality, and honestly don’t know what to do. I have never posted before. Im in desperate advice..I feel absolutely awful and I don’t know what to do? I (38f) divorced with five kids. We’ve been on our own for awhile till last year when my first ex husband (39m) popped up. He messaged me during the holidays asking to see the kids, I agreed and he has been cordial, and following my strict guidelines and boundaries I’ve set. These past weeks he has been ( I feel beyond helpful) my car broke down and I haven’t had it for weeks. I couldn’t afford to take uber or lyfts so for the past two weeks he’s been driving me to and from work. Taking me to the store as need which is often. Driving our son to choir practices and events. Helping around the house. He’s had events happen to where he is currently shelter less. I feel bad that he’s sleeping in his car. Should I offer the couch ?? ( I’m conflicted because our past was scary…It took everything in me to leave that relationship. I feel like I’m playing into his game.) even thou im aware that this might be a mind game with him am I really supose to ignore that he’s sleeping in his car? Like im not suppose to feel any guilt?
well nobody knows if he’s playing “ the long game “ maybe even love-bombing you ( which doesn’t have to be amorous ) .. if you’ve had a terrible past with him, I’d trust your instincts .. be thankful for his help and make sure he won’t feel being taken advantage of ( give him some gas money type thing )
please be careful and keep a log ( privately on Facebook that few trusted people can see ) just in case
hope this helps
NTA. If you had a hard time leaving him in the first place, I’m assuming because of manipulation, DO NOT let him in. He currently needs something, so he’s going to be super nice to get it and show you he’s a “good guy”. Please don’t fall for it.
If he was abusive to you and the kids you would be the ah if you brought him back into the home with your children. He’s a grown man and there are lots of programs to assist in transitional housing and lots of them offer help finding work as well. I’d suggest helping him sign up for a program instead. If you guys have a scary history as you say it’d be best not to play with fire. It’s ok to help but help from a distance. Feeling guilty in a situation like this is what I would expect any human with empathy to feel. But also don’t let those feelings take over. Set the feelings aside and evaluate logically the effects of having him in your home for both you and the kids. It’s hard to judge without more details but even from the vague details you’ve given it sounds like you and the kids would be miserable if you let him stay. I had a situation with a relative who was manipulative and a nightmare to try and live with. I felt guilty when I had to tell him he couldn’t come live with us again after making my life absolute hell(he left on his own btw). I still feel guilty but I know I made the right decision. He was not good to have around my children and would have willfully bankrupted again if I’d given in. I say NTA based on the information given.
How would it affect your children for him to be sleeping in the house again?
Would it confuse them? Would it put them in danger?
Would it put you in danger? Because your kids rely on you.
Ultimately, you know yourself best, and you know whether this is a safe experience for you or not. But if you can’t judge for yourself, judge for your kids.
He’s acting nice because he’s trying to make you feel safe enough that when he asks to stay, you’ll say yes. Then he can go back to normal
Don’t let him move in. Nta
NTA! It sounds like getting out of this relationship was dangerous and that whatever boundaries you’ve established were hard won. Protect those boundaries.
Also, being a decent human and minimally involved father is the lowest bar. He’s not “helping out” by simply being involved in his kids’ lives, especially when it seems to be on his terms. They are his children and he gets no applause from me for doing the bare minimum when you have been shouldering the burden for years.
This!!! He is parenting.
If it was hard to get out, then stay tf out.
NTA. Do you have a friend nearby that could offer their couch instead? Perhaps who is married so you have backup?
NTA I would feel bad too but you shouldn’t ever let someone stay in your house that you are not 100% sure about. You risk not being able to get him to leave if you let him in. I would be worried about things going bad and your kids being stuck in the midst of it.
I suggest you help him in other ways if it will make you feel better. Maybe you can cook him some meals, I’m sure he’s probably surviving on fast food. Does he have a job?
Feel as guilty as you need to, but assume that whatever happened when you both lived under the same roof will happen again if you invite him in.