Hi so I (25F) have a friend(22f), she’s that kind of friend who basically always has a crisis. She’s been through a lot of tough stuff and she’s been working through it on and off (sometimes she’s committed to get therapy other times she’s just coasting fully engaged in destructive behaviors).
She really has leaned on me a lot for support and its gotten to the point that because this loop has gone on for years I’ve really stopped fighting her, I use to tell her hey I think this is a bad idea I really haven’t been because it doesn’t help. The thing also is this support doesn’t go both ways I also have my own traumas and stressor and I’ve had a lot less bandwidth due to some severe family issues. I’m burnt out at this point but I can’t ever talk to get about that because she’s not willing to support me back.
Recently she has been talking to a guy for about a month, nothing official just talking and it’ll be the third relationship she’s been in this year and about the 4th or 5th talking stage she’s in. She wants me to meet him, she specified she did not want my opinion just support and maybe we can like do a game night. I responded with hey I don’t really have time or mental capacity to meet him right now, my sister just had a traumatic birth not even a day ago and I need to be supporting her. I went on to add maybe that will be a good thing to meet him later rather than now because things will progress however they will and we can all have a genuinely good time. But that at the moment I’m under a lot of stress and I know I will burn myself out if I’m not careful. This was met with hostility asking me if its really that or I just don’t have capacity for her because it seems like when stuff is good for her I always have something going on. Not only is this not the case but at some point like I feel like she has to realize stuff can and does go wrong in my life too, or I’m just genuinely busy. I adore her but my life can’t always revolve around her and right now I have to be very focused on my sister, my BIL and my new nephew.
I don’t know my gut feeling is I’m doing the best I can and I have to set priorities and boundaries but I just want some impartial judgements on like it’s saying not now really rude? Should I have not presented the situation? I really didn’t want to be dishonest and get her hopes up that we would meet up and then flake ya know? Idk, AITA?
NTA!!! Wow. Your friend sucks. I’m sure there are plenty of reasons to like her, but she sounds like the asshole. If she can’t understand that you need to be there for your sister, then it shows she only has concern for herself. You are absolutely right to set boundaries and you can’t give in on those just because she slings insults or throws a fit. She’s a taker. And don’t worry about it, the new guy will be the old guy soon enough.
NTA.
It’s a good thing you recognize your limits and would rather tell your friend that you just aren’t at a good place to hang out instead of flaking on her. You don’t owe her an explanation beyond what you’ve said already. I think that being burnt out or running out of social capacity to socialize even more (especially with new people) is plenty sufficient to reject game night already.
However, I think it comes off a little bitter and mocking the way you describe her and her boyfriend’s relationship, along with the way you used quotation marks on “boyfriend” in the title. It’s not that relevant to whether you’re the asshole though, I just don’t think it comes off kindly if this is how you spoke to her too.
I will clarify the only content I made about the relationship to her was “I’m glad things are going good” the quotes was more because I didn’t know how to express concisely that they’re not together but talking but she thinks he may ask her to stay dating officially soon. I don’t have any reason to be believe that not the case.
I see. I thought perhaps she’d told you they were dating and you had dismissed their relationship…but seems like that’s not the case! If I were you, I wouldn’t comment on the nature of their relationship.
Anywho, still NTA, and good luck to your family!
I didn’t have to read much of your post to understand one basic thing about your friendship .. you’ve outgrown her and it’s okay to let the friendship fade away .. maybe you can reconnect years from now to see if you’re both on similar footing .. but for now ? it seems you’ve outgrown her .. and that’s okay ..
Mild ESH just because this feels like a lot of overreactions to what is, by itself, a fairly benign request to hang out. If you’re busy with your sister, just say that and try to make plans for a time where you won’t be so busy, instead it’s this whole thing about no time or mental capacity and seemingly holding all of these past behaviors against her. She sucks too for not just saying “OK, fine, let me know when you’re free then,” but it kinda just seems like if your friendship is this exhausting to you, it’s not actually a good friendship. You say you adore her, but then you make her sound awful.
I think i adore who she can be/ has been before.
That’s cool, but you’re not her therapist, it’s not your job to “fix” her and if that’s how you see what your role in the relationship has become, that’s not healthy for either of you, particularly if it’s not a two-way street. The boyfriend is mostly immaterial to the whole conversation, it just doesn’t seem like you like what your friendship has become, and at that point you either need to have an honest conversation with your friend about it, or you just need to move on.
NTA. If your friend can’t accept basically: “I’m too emotionally drained to wingman right now”, then I think you might want to put some space between you and her a bit. You’re not blowing her off, you’re just prioritizing something else that’s not her. You’re allowed to do that
Move on from this drama. NTA. Focus on what matters to you, and it’s ok that she doesn’t matter to you right now.
Have *you* been tested for STIs? Better get on that.
NTA. I had to give up on a similar friendship for the similar reasons. It was really tough but a friendship shouldn’t burn you out.
If a close friend told me they couldn’t hang out cause their nephew just had a traumatic birth I wouldn’t respond with anger.
You don’t deserve that and sooner you cut ties the better for your health.