My husband (32M) and I (30F) live in Ohio with our toddler. My parents live in New Jersey. This is the first Christmas since my grandmother passed away, so emotions are running high.
Originally, my parents expected us to come 12/24–12/27.
My husband asked that we spend Christmas Day in Ohio so he could see his grandparents. He does see them during the year, but he hasn’t spent Christmas with them in years, and this year that feels important to him. We wanted to find something balanced for everyone.
I suggested a compromise:
Drive to NJ 12/21
Stay 12/21–12/25 morning
Celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my parents
Drive back midday 12/25 for his family’s Christmas that afternoon
This actually gives my parents four full days with us AND Christmas morning which is more time than the original plan.
My mom was very upset about us leaving on Christmas Day and said she did not want to compromise on dates. My dad was okay with the plan but didn’t want conflict. My brother isn’t coming this year because his wife is pregnant and can’t travel, so he stayed neutral and didn’t want to get involved.
I feel torn because I’m genuinely trying to balance both families, honor my husband’s request, and still give my parents a meaningful holiday. I also have anxiety around disappointing people, which makes this harder.
AITA for not agreeing to stay through 12/27 and sticking to the compromise?
EDIT: for those asking- the drive is exactly 6 hours. We’d be leaving early in the AM to arrive at husbands Christmas that is late afternoon/early evening
EDIT#2: Toddler has taken this trip multiple times and is a very low stress kiddo.
NTA at all. Your parents are getting Christmas Eve AND morning. Your husband has a family too and it’s not fair for your parents to commandeer the entire thing. Your mom is being completely unreasonable.
NTA. You’re a better person than I am. I wouldnt drag my toddler to NJ and back to OH. It’s his Christmas. Not your moms, heck not even yours. It’s about your child. So whatever works best for him to enjoy his gifts and his day is what you can do. Seems it would be easier for your parents to come stay with you then his grand parents can see everyone.
This. I was dragged around on major holidays and came to really resent it. Now that I have toddlers of my own, we stay home. They deserve a calm Christmas and anyone disappointed by our choice has to deal with it.
NTA
Honestly, since your mom is being difficult, I would give her three options.
1. What you said already.
2. She and your Dad can come to your house for the dates she wants. Especially since your brother isn’t coming to her house.
3. You can skip seeing them this year.
She is being a little obnoxious. Hopefully your dad helps her come to her senses.
Agreed. This is what we have done in the past. Unless there is a physical reason why they cant host during those dates then she needs to put on her work out clothes and get flexible
NTA. However, there is no possible way you can get from NJ at midday to Ohio in the afternoon. Even if you are flying that seems like an impossible schedule.
NTA but it’s time to start telling your mom how it’s going to go, not a back and forth about it. You’re now 30, a fully grown adult, you don’t need to pander to your mom about things.
You can’t make everyone happy regarding Christmas when you don’t live in the same town at them. We compromised and would switch years between sides (I live 8 hours away from where I grew up now). Then once our kids got old enough, asked to stop traveling to my side because they were sick of not being in their own beds for Christmas.
NTA. You’re married, you have more than one family that you need to consider during the holidays. Your parents are getting all of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and you and your little family are willing to spend hours traveling on Christmas Day just to make that happen. I’m sure it would be much easier if you just stayed home in Ohio with your toddler, but you’re going out of your way to visit them.
It really bothers me that your mom said she “did not want to compromise on dates” as if this is a business negotiation. It’s not. You, Dad and brother are all afraid of standing up to her, which says a lot about the family dynamic. It’s time for her to learn she doesn’t call all the shots anymore.
Frankly, if mom is not willing to work with you, I’d cancel the visit to New Jersey. You need to be strong and stick to your decision to cut out the visit, otherwise your mom is going to be dictating your actions for years to come. You may need to consider counseling to work on being more independent.
Since your brother won’t be attending tell your parents to drive to Ohio instead of you going to NJ.
Since mom refuses to share the holiday, maybe its time to start swapping years. This year, you go visit his family. Your mom’s “my way or the highway” isnt gonna fly anymore. She can either learn to share or she can just miss out entirely. NTA.
We didn’t travel for Christmas because of fights like this. Nobody was happy and our holiday was miserable. Your toddler will be toast on Christmas Day when you get back to Ohio. I would be furious at your suggestion if I was your husband. He wants to spend the holiday with his grandparents which he hadn’t done in years because of your family. You give him 2 hours in the afternoon on Christmas Day with a melting down toddler. Cancel the visit to NJ entirely or go the weekend before Christmas or after Christmas. Spend Christmas Eve or Christmas Day with your husband’s grandparents. Your mom needs to learn she doesn’t get the whole holiday every year.
Husband is being very very kind agreeing to this, but the best answer is that they should alternate families for Christmas, and if OP’s mother really must spend Christmas with OP and her family, she can come visit them on those years.
Although honestly, I’m a little side eyeing the idea of making the family with young kids be the one to travel at Christmas time at all. OP says her kiddo is very low stress, but me and my siblings were always so ratty around Christmas, and there’s no way my mum would have said yes to driving somewhere 6 hours away at that time of year.
“Ok mom…since you can’t find a suitable compromise then it looks like we’re staying in Ohio this Christmas.”
Do not give in to tantrums. Not from toddlers or grandparents. You may soon want to start spending all Christmas Day at home with your kiddo creating your own traditions. What will she do then?