So for context, I, (16F), have a weak gut. I’ve always had gut issues, and I probably always will. I’m also autistic and struggle with interpreting tone and emotion etc.
So sometimes I forget to eat. Recently, I’ve had little to no appetite in school for the snack. A week ago, mom asks “Why aren’t you eating your snacks in school?” And I say “Idk, just not hungry.” And we essentially agree that she’ll stop sending a snack and I won’t buy something from the cafeteria. Her exact words: “I’m not paying for something from the cafeteria.”
And then today, I had a meeting in school for a community I’m part of, and I don’t have a chance to eat lunch. So she asks why. I explain. THEN, she asks why I haven’t eaten my snack. I recount the agreement we had and she essentially blows up at me. And then we argue, and she says “I only agreed cause I was pissed!” And I asked her “How was I meant to know that?”
She keeps trying to argue. I keep recounting the agreement. Eventually she shouts at me to shut up. Then she tells me not to tell her if I’m sick. I lose it. I tell her “I rarely do, because I know you’re not going to take it seriously anyways!”
I don’t think I was wrong, but idk. AITA?
NTA. Your mom is the adult and the parent, she needs to start behaving like it. Right now, she’s acting like she doesn’t care about the well-being of her own child.
NTA. Your parent is the adult and should be more in control of their emotions when frustrated. As a child, particularly a child w/ autism, you’re not going to first of all understand all the nuances of a conversation 100% of the time & that’s ok and to be expected and second of all it’s unrealistic & unreasonable for anyone, regardless of age, to be yelled at & not experience some kind of emotion, particularly when the person yelling is doing it AT them and not TO them
NTA. Onus was on her to be clear with her communication and decision, and also to be the parent/adult in this situation especially given this is related to your medical health and wellbeing.
INFO: what do you mean that she won’t take it seriously? Does she not believe you have gut issues?
No as in I’m chronically ill – I’m hyper mobile and have chronic pain and I only found out recently. This means that when I was younger I had frequent joint pain and drs could never figure out what was causing it. This means that a lot of my pain can get brushed under the rug.
NTA. I hope she genuinely takes into consideration that you accused her of not taking your health issues/pain seriously. It’s always harder to navigate life without support, especially from the people who are supposed to support and help you like parents.
Nah, you’re not the asshole. You literally followed the agreement and explained the situation. Your mom flipping out and then telling you not to tell her if you’re sick? That’s on her, not you. You’re just trying to survive school and stay fed. can’t blame you for arguing when she’s being unreasonable.
NTA. She literally told you to stop bringing snacks, you followed through, and now she’s mad about it? That’s not on you.
The autism angle matters here too—if she was being sarcastic or “agreeing while pissed,” that’s on her to communicate clearly, not on you to magically decode her real feelings. You can’t read minds, and you took her at her word like anyone would.
NTA. But would you find it easier if you made the decision as to when to pack snacks instead of her deciding when to send them with you? A granola bar or pack of almonds (or whatever shelf-stable item you can stomach) can be very handy to keep around just in case schedules change.
NTA
You do not have a *weak gut*, you most likely have food allergies which is totally common for people on the spectrum! Many of the autistic people I know have gluten sensitivities, are allergic to various fruits and nuts. Many suffer from IBS.
It concerns me that you’re disparaging yourself like that. Having a parent that dismisses you really sucks.
As the parent it’s her responsibility to identify and meet your needs. That means understanding that you need concrete agreements and that you’re going to take them seriously. It means helping you learn how to advocate for your own needs. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that kind of parent so they have to blaze their own trail.
You standing up for yourself is part of that self-advocacy.
It has nothing to do with being autistic. It is up to the person who spoke out of turn to apologize and explain what they shouldn’t have said. You’re not a mind reader!
NTA but I don’t understand why she’s not sending or letting you take a snack if you need it? Most snacks allowed by schools come in sealed bags. If you don’t eat it one day it’s there for the next day. I couldn’t imagine not sending something that is no perishable just because some days it isn’t eaten.
NTA and I’m so sorry that your Mom is so idiotic and self centered. I’ve had IBS since my teenage years and certain foods i now know can trigger.but growing up I was forced to eat certain foods even if my gi system went off the rails. all I can suggest is walking away when she starts the argument.
I’m assuming you are saying you have EDS or hEDS. It is a connective tissue/collagen disorder. So your guts won’t act properly/normal no matter what you do. I’m in the exact same boat as you, I’m just 42yo. Same situation where parents were dismissive about everything, gut/pain/etc. The problem is that my parents were undiagnosed and suffering with the same issues, so behind their dismissive attitude was the fact that they experienced the same thing and felt I was whiney, that this was normal. The only time I realized it wasn’t normal was when I was at a doctor at 18 and he asked how much pain I was in and I replied “just the normal amount of pain”. I only was diagnosed at 41, so I get it. I have to stay away from gluten and dairy to be able to function.
Side note, a 16yo should be able to decide if they want to eat a snack or not without risk of backlash.