The other day we were in the car and my phone was connected to the car’s Bluetooth. A text from my dad popped up on the car’s screen and my husband tapped the button to make the text be read out loud. This really annoyed me and I immediately let him know that wasn’t okay. The text wasn’t a big deal, but I don’t feel comfortable with him hearing it before I’ve read/heard it first. I let him know that it’s not even fair to the person sending the message, they intended it for me, not expecting him to read it. He thinks I’m being "weird" and implied I’m hiding things from him, which made me even angrier. We have been together for 22 years and have raised 3 kids. I’m not hiding anything from him, but am I not entitled to any amount of privacy? I would never have done that to him.
ETA: the car is new to us and the first we’ve had with this feature, so no, this issue has never come up. We don’t go through each other’s phones, not because we can’t, but because we’ve never felt the need. He knows my unlock code and could look anytime, I guess. I actually don’t know his unlock code but never felt the need to know.
NTA You’re right, it IS unfair to the sender as well. If a message is intended for both of you, it will be sent to both of you. Having some things be private doesn’t mean it’s being hidden, he’s just being nosey
NAH, I personally think it’s a weird hill to die on and don’t understand your issue with him playing the text. You have a right to ask him not to but he can’t be expected to automatically know you wouldn’t be okay with that. How you both handle it from here decides if there’s an AH in the situation.
NTA. If a message is not intended for you, you don’t read/listen to it without permission. That’s basic respect.
NAH. I feel like after 22yrs, I wouldn’t be so secretive about a text unless I felt like this person would say something that I didn’t want him to hear. But, on the other hand, it was rude to assume and play out aloud without asking. Give each other some grace.
it’s wild how people overlook boundaries in tech and assume everything’s fair game, you gotta set that straight
Agreed! The first time my car wanted to play an incoming text message I was shocked at the invasion of privacy. I don’t have anything to hide either but also I don’t think that my mom or kid or coworker should hear the (for example) reminder of my upcoming gyno appointment.
Reminds me of people’s objection to random drug testing- just because I’m not on drugs doesn’t mean I should be fine with being told to go pee in a cup in front of a stranger.
To me, I think the people messaging me deserve privacy, too. I have several conversations with people where they might not want anyone else to read them, it’s just basic respect to them.
In this case, I don’t think it’s something to get automatically pissed off about, just a “hey, that bothers me, let’s not use that feature.” And the proper response should be “oh I’m sorry, sounds like a plan.”
I get why that bothered you. It is not about hiding anything, it is about basic respect and letting you decide when and how you read your own messages. If my partner tapped the read-out button without asking, I would feel the same way. Privacy does not disappear just because you are married, and calling you weird for wanting that makes it worse. He should at least acknowledge that it crossed a line.
NTA. For me, this comes down to the privacy of the sender (your Dad), not the recipient (you). Your dad has an expectation of privacy because the message was sent to you, not to a family group chat. If this were a voice call, etiquette would dictate that you announce your use of speakerphone for exactly this reason. In this instance, texting, the sender has a similar expectation that only the person addressed in the message would view the message. Yes, they may reasonably expect that you might choose to share with your spouse, but that’s not the default.
22 years, 3 kids, and this is the random fight you’re picking? Your husband listened to a random text from his FIL…of 22 years…..yeah you must be hiding some shit talking or something.
YTA.
What if it was something really sensitive bruh
What if it was a text about his surprise birthday party? Or something that the dad wanted to be kept secret?
This feels like you’re choosing to get angry about something. It’s not like he went through your phone and read all your messages. Your reaction being harsh is probably why he reacted that way.
If this has literally never been a situation before, all you had to do was say “please don’t do that”. Being accusatory about privacy makes it an issue. Let it go and don’t be angry about small things, you’re poisoning your relationship.
NAH. As you said in the comments, this is a new car with a new feature, without established boundaries. He wanted to try the feature and probably didn’t think much of the action; you got surprised and annoyed. Have a calm conversation later about why you don’t want him to play your messages, and you can disable the feature on your phone if you like.