I have a dilemma i need your take on. The situation: I have secured a job following a period of redundancy but am still interviewing for other roles. I had an interview today.
Last night, my wife and I agreed that I would do the entire night shift, and she (who also works, but wfh today) would wake up with our 2 year old and take him to nursery so I could try and get some additional sleep before my interview.
He was up 5/6 times last night, and I hardly got any sleep. I was up at 12, 2, 3, 4, 5, and I finally passed the monitor around half 5ish. Anyway, I get woken up at 7.30am by my wife, who has overslept because she did not set an alarm. Toddler was still in bed, and I was asked to wake up and take him to nursery as she had overslept.
I was very frustrated and unhappy at this. I was apparently ‘huffing and puffing’ and being short with my answers. I drove him to nursery and came back, unable to fall back asleep, and just stayed awake till my interview, which I don’t think went great. I then went down after my interview to apologise for being short with her this morning. She blew up at me, calling me narcissistic, mean, a bad person, because she said she didn’t mean to oversleep and therefore didn’t deserve to be treated this way – ie. the way i was showing frustration.
She said i was allowed to be frustrated but not to be short and be all huffy and puffy. I argued back my point that it was her responsibility to take him and it was because I had an interview that i was obviously frustrated. She apologised for oversleeping but also said things like "my dad would never treat my mum this way" or "we’re a team, i didn’t mean for it to happen – your anger is toxic".. which I just straight up don’t agree with.
I have tried to be as objective in my post as possible. Yes, I was frustrated and angry, but I did not swear at her, or insult her in anyway.
AITA?
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NTA – if anyone is TA in this situation it is your wife. You were on zero sleep, she messed up, you still took care of the kid, and she called you toxic for being “huffy”? Nonsense
NTA. Your wife is trying to hide her own irresponsibility by making this issue about you being “huffy.” She’s changing the topic to make you the bad guy. It’s also *extremely* unfair for her to say that you’re “allowed” to be frustrated but not to show your frustration at all or ask for the source of the frustration to be taken care of by her. I suspect she’s acting like this because she feels bad, but you need to be firm with her than in the future she needs to respect her commitments to your family even if that means she shoulders the consequences of oversleeping next time.
Nta but why is your 2 year old up so many times in the night?
I was thinking this too. Maybe the child is sick?
We have the exact same problem. Almost 2 years old, wakes up after 11pm several times throughout the night. Haven’t found a solution yet.
Her dad probably wouldn’t treat her mum that way because her mum would’ve been responsible enough to have set an alarm and completed her task of nursery drop-off because that’s how a team works. And what’s toxic here is your wife trying to turn this all back on you and make you the bad guy.
There is an asshole here, but it’s not you.
Sounds like she’s getting defensive because she feels guilty for letting you down. Anger is a more powerful emotion than remorse. How she’s behaving is far more toxic than what you’ve described as yours. Your expression of frustration is within the realm of normal for people who are frustrated, the way she’s behaving is extremely manipulative. NTA
NTA. She dropped the ball and then still couldn’t offer to take him once she had woken up.
NTA…You have an interview. You made a plan. You held up your end of the bargain and she did not do her part. You’re owed an apology.
NAH.
She made a mistake.
She’s the only one with the income at present so presumably can’t just ditch her WFH day. You were available to cover your joint child’s needs.
You’re allowed to be grumpy but sometimes you have to suck it up when things go wrong.
And for goodness sake, sleep train your kid before you both go mad with exhaustion.
Why would you take the entire night shift when you have a job interview the next day?
Also, your wife doesn’t understand what “team” means.
NTA.
i’m going to assume their kid doesn’t usually wake up this many times in the night, so him taking the night shift was his thought at “i’ll get to sleep in with the caveat of getting up maybe once or twice” not realizing he’d get practically no sleep at all. it also hinged on him relying on his wife to get up in the morning for the extra extra sleep
INFO- Why was your kid up so much during the night?