I (M25) learned at a Halloween party last month that my roommate (M23) will be moving in with his GF (F23) after our lease ends.
In principle, I have no problem with it. But I learned when two mutual friends at the party asked me something to the effect of "What’s the news with your roommate?" and I had no answer because I didn’t know. Which, to me, says they had chatted about it already with our friends and I was kept out of the loop. Fast forward to the day before I leave for a month-long vacation, and he tells me they’re going to do it. The reasons being that they want to close the gap in their relationship (mind you they’ve only dated for about eight months and they live about a ten minute walk from one another) and that they want to save money (which is also funny to me because they’re planning on getting a two-bedroom apartment, which is the current setup we have).
I think their reasons are dumb personally but what I’m most hurt by is that I considered him a friend, yet only learned about it when the decision was already made and through other people. We’ve known each other for two years and met through an internship. For reference, our lease expires in February by the way.
He’s tried reaching out to casually chat during my vacation and I’ve completely ignored him because I don’t feel like starting anything over text is going to accomplish anything. I think it will be better to talk this through when I’m back home with him.
Am I in the wrong here?
EDIT: One last, small piece of context I want to share is that I told him when we moved in that I needed at least two years in our apartment to make the move worth if for me due to me moving four times in the last two years, and I’m just kind of tired of packing my stuff so often.
NTA. Your vacation is for you to relax and enjoy yourself. It’s not for you to have to deal with your roommate.
Don’t have any feelings about their length or depth of their relationship as it’s none of your business.
you might be the ahole but you i don’t think you are. they didn’t tell you about the decision at all. it is quite frankly rude to not even bother to tell you. think you could tell them that they hurt you instead of ignoring them.
Kinda the YTA yea. I agree that he should of told you sooner. But he’s in a relationship with HER not *you* they want a future together and you should respect that
YTA. Be a grown up and respond to people’s messages the same way you would want other people to respond to yours. Your roommate is not obligated to tell you before he tells other people.
Yeah soft YTA, it’s not like your roommate’s leaving mid-lease or telling you last minute, you got a few months’ notice.
You’re taking their decision a bit too personally and choosing to be upset at them. Instead you can choose to be happy for them and start looking for a roommate to sign the lease renewal with next year.
February feels like a reasonable about of notice, and he had never committed to signing a new lease with you. Him moving out doesn’t mean you have to move, you can get another roommate. YTA
NAH
He doesnt owe you two years in a place and you can get a new roommate and not leave if you want. You’re overreacting by assuming you now have to move.
If you dont want people to leave suddenly it would be easier to be married to them.
He was cowardly not to tell you sooner but you have plenty of time to find a new roommate still if the lease renewal is in February.
You of course do not need to answer the phone or non-emergent messages on vacations, regardless of who it is.
I don’t think you’re an asshole, but you do need to reframe this in your mind and give your friend at least a chance to explain why he didn’t tell you first. Plus, I dunno if you ever been in love but shit, when you in your 20s you fall hard. Of course he wants to move in with her, you can’t fault him for that. So let him explain why he didn’t tell you earlier, maybe he will have a reason that makes it all good, and then no one is TA…
YTA- I think you’re blowing this all out of proportion. So, he mentioned it to someone else before you. Maybe he cares about how to tell you and didn’t want to upset you for moving out. Their reason is because they’re in love and wanting to build on their relationship. All the other stuff is just trying to justify to you more of why they’re doing this. Again, hoping you’ll understand.
Give him some slack. Show some grace.
Could this be some miscommunication or assumption-based? Do you know that he planned moving last month, or did he just mention the idea in passing to some friends (“my gf mentioned wanting to live together”) but didn’t want to mention it to you while he was still figuring it out? Could that be why they asked you for “news” – because he wasn’t actually 100% certain last month? Could they have even heard it from the gf and not your roommate?
Have you been giving him the cold shoulder for three weeks and that was the deciding factor for him?
And do you have to actually pack up and move out, or can you find another roommate to replace him?
It sounds like you’re friends with each other, and this seems like a silly reason to burn bridges and a LOT of assumptions being made without actually talking to him about it.
ESH. It’s understandable that he wants to move in with his girlfriend. Even if you don’t think so. Also, you’re being childish by not responding to him. All you have to do is send him a quick text that says: I think it would be best if we had this conversation in person and I’m pretty busy right now.
He doesn’t owe you two years of his life. But he could have been a man and told you straight up that he was leaving. It would have been the courteous thing to do. Sorry, but everyone kind of sucks here.
Why would he tell you before they made the decision? There’s nothing to tell at that point. YTA.
No one is the AH.
He was clearly figuring out how to tell you.
He’s given you plenty of notice.
You’ll be moving in a few months anyway.
People can’t organise their lives around yours. They have their own aswell.