Context: I (28F) love going to concerts but have a hard time finding people to go with so I usually go alone. At one concert I made good friends and now we go together to concerts. My husband (28M) and I live in the states and there is a concert in PR of my fav artist and my friends and I want to go. When I mentioned this to hub he said why not, it’s not too expensive and you’ll have fun! So I booked the trip. 2 months later my husband got laid off from work and is now saying I’m selfish for going on this trip while he is going through a rough time, is laid off and I am spending money we really should be saving and now he’s not comfortable for me going away for a couple days. Am I the ahole for telling him he should’ve told me he’s not comfortable instead of saying go ahead! And for also saying I couldn’t have predicted he’d get laid off and I don’t see why I should cancel everything (3 day trip) when I saved up for it.
Edit: I took him to this artist concert before since none of my then current friends like them, and he said he would’ve rather stayed home, and I tried to take him to another one of their concerts and he denied so that’s when I went alone and met these two new friends (both female and my age). When I mentioned PR he said he didn’t want to go just for a concert.
NTA
The trip is already paid for.
And he will have uninterrupted time to apply non-stop at new jobs.
If it was paid for beforehand (and no way to get a refund) you’re NTA. He’s just being selfish. If they hadn’t been paid for or you could have returned them for a full refund he may have a point.
If the roles were reversed, what would you want him to do?
That’s your answer.
Two questions: How is your overall savings situation, and are refunds possible?
I do understand that people often save money separately, but if you are in a paycheck-to-paycheck kind of situation otherwise, this kind of expenditure may be a stretch that is not worth taking. However, if you cannot get refunds or should be secure for a while, it may not make much sense to back out now.
We both have over 30K in savings, no kids and no debt, just a flimsy car payment. And there are no refunds for the trip, flights were booked as the cheapest option and concert tickets are not resellable. Only refund I can get is the air bnb but the most expensive things I would not
Yeah, I definitely cannot judge you. It would probably be a good idea to try to work things out before your trip, but I think he should be able to look at the bigger picture. NTA.
Fear manifests as anger. He’s in a bad place, dependent on you, and scared. His response isn’t great, isn’t logical, and comes off as petulant or controlling. But it doesn’t sound like that’s who he is normally.
This is exactly what my partner does in times of insecurity and anxiety, I think you’re right. Fear is driving his response, the way to handle it is to acknowledge it, then explain why you haven’t changed your plans. There is a way through where you both feel comfortable.
NTA. Misery likes company. Literally.
It sucks that he got laid off, but you paid for this trip with your own savings. You’re going to be supporting the both of you until he gets back on his feet.
It’s a short trip. I don’t see how you not going on the trip would benefit either of you. You would likely be resentful.
Do I understand correctly he was ok with you going and now changed his mind after getting laid off? Situation changed, he has right to feel differently about it now. It does not mean you need to cancel especially as everything is paid and you will loose at least some of the money. That does not make him an AH, neither will make you an AH if you go. You are asking if telling him he should have told you is not ok with you going instead saying go ahead. That makes no sense. Based on what you posted he was ok, so he should in favor of you going, now when he is cash strapped and in a bad place mentally sees it differently. Am I missing something?
When I mentioned it he said “well how much are the flights? I say go ahead it’s not expensive and you’ll have a great time!” So i booked everything that same week, didn’t think we needed to talk more about it. Now he is saying he isn’t comfortable of me going for three days to an island and also spending money we should be saving. I understand the money part but it is from my own savings and I work hard for my money, plus I bring in income just as much as he does. What I don’t understand is why he said go ahead but now is stating he is uncomfortable. Note: there has never been cheating or issues between us to understand if he is not trusting.
Again – his ‘ok to go’ was before being laid off, his ‘don’t go’ was after, right? He does not want ti be alone and think you guys should be saving because of the situation. Does not mean you have to agree but that is not illogical. Even if both answers cam after lay off it is not ‘making bo sense’ if he changed his mind when situation sunk in.
NTA I’d tell him that everything was paid for prior to his layoff so there’s no reason to waste the money and he’s applying for jobs anyway.
The money for the trip is already spent. Might as well go