I (28, female) live in a 22sqm apartment in a city which I will leave soon to pursue training as a children‘s psychotherapist. My mom (45) and my sister (22) are visiting me for 10 days. This is not the first time : last year she stayed 15 days. She never asks me how long she can stay; she just assumes. She sees these visits as a way to take a break from being a mum and having fun.
Context number 1 : my mum is Turkish (a culture, where hospitality is big). I am born in Germany and navigate between those two cultures. I am also the oldest daughter and the first academic so add that to the lovely mix of complex family dynamics.
As a preparation for their stay, I made some room in the apartment and booked vacation time so I would not get extra stressed. I also tried to be less nit picky about cleanliness.
During the visit, she expects me to spend all my free time with her and my younger sister (which I was fine with). My middle sister also lives in the same apartment complex in a similarly small room. I was fine with my little sister and my mum sleeping over at my place as long as they cook over at my middle sister‘s place.
Context number 2: My middle sister is closeted and can’t fully be herself around our mom, but my mom seems to prefer this because it’s easier and less complicated. She is also the one who gives my mum the "princess treatment“ by marking barely any boundaries and always defending her against us and spoiling her. Meanwhile, I constantly have to manage schedules, set boundaries, and maintain my own space, and when I do, my mom complains that I’m “too tense” or “too formal.” She asked me once outright "Why are you setting all those boundaries with me?“. I said that I was just marking my capacity and did not want to lash out like during one of her visits in the past. I had made her cry back then in the middle of a cafeteria (long story short: she turned all of the family members against me and piggy backed on her victim status for a long time). Her reply? "Do you want me to cry and go over to your sister‘s place?“.
She also stirs up tensions , for example, making comments comparing me to my middle sister or idealizing my cousin, who she visits frequently , and expects me to go along. She stirs small conflicts, makes passive-aggressive remarks, and doesn’t respect my time or routines (like mornings, showering, etc.). This past visit, I became sick from the stress. And this is not my first time getting sick. The last time I was sick to the point of not being able to get out of bed for two weeks straight.
I love my family, but I feel like she is emotionally manipulative, disregards my space, and prioritizes comfort and control over respecting me. So I want to know: Am I the asshole for enforcing my boundaries and expecting basic respect during her visit?
Info: if your sister is closeted what it is it that your mum “prefers” as I am assuming she doesn’t know?
She voiced some suspicions to me but never asked my sister outright about it (and it‘s not my place to confirm or deny my mum‘s suspicions because my sister only came out to me). My sister is also deadly afraid to tell her because my mum is a homophobe (due to the very skewed interpretation of her own religion).
With respect, regardless of Turkish or not, yall need to grow up and put down some boundaries with her. Are yall going to live like this forever, just in fear of when she shows up and never stopping her? NTA but come on.
NTA but I’m not even sure why you’re letting your mom visit in the first place if she’s manipulative and victimizing herself. Your family dynamic sounds complex and I hope that if you can’t avoid these visits, then at least make her book a hotel room instead of staying with you.
It’s also weird for your middle sister to be enabling her when it’s your apartment…
You need to be out of town when they come to visit, end of. You are NTA, but this will only get worse the older y’all get if you Don’t stand 10 toes down, now. Set your boundaries, do not budge, and ask them to leave if they cannot honor those boundaries. Sounds like your middle sister would enjoy having them stay with her.
NTA, set your boundaries and stick to them. I’d recommend having a conversation with your sister and voicing your concerns before your mom arrives. She may be able to help you enforce your boundaries with your mother and make it a much easier time to have her visit.
NTA. “Do you want me to cry and go over to your sister‘s place?“. Answer – “yes, if you think that would be better that’s a great idea, thank you so much!”
My real life answer was “Mum, I was just talking about my feelings. How you choose to handle what I said is up to you.”
ESH. If mom cannot respect your house rules then mom can’t stay with you. Boundaries are not rules we place on others but instead how we will react when we feel someone is not being respectful to our life. This is why my judgment is ESH because you are enabling this relationship. If you are too afraid to hold a boundary then don’t set it. Just because we love someone, does not mean they have the right to treat us poorly. And furthermore is that the love you want?
NTA. I had to do this to my mom whenever she came to visit, too. You know how when I lived at home there were rules I had to follow because it was “your house, your rules?” Same goes for when you’re now in my home.
Otherwise she will spend 10 days nitpicking and criticizing every single way I don’t “keep house” like she does, or even worse, rearranging things, opening every drawer, flipping through notebooks she finds, changing the water pressure in the shower, whatever she wants.
Just because they are parents, doesn’t give them an excuse to be poor houseguests. Being hospitable doesn’t mean I have to let you completely railroad me for a whole week.
NTA, next time, you and your sister share an apartment and leave the other to your mom and other sister. Keep fighting for your boundaries
INFO: Does your mom give you advance warning that she’s coming? Because if she does, just tell her, “Sorry, I’ve got too much stuff going on to have visitors then, talk to you later!” If she just shows up, you don’t have to answer the door.
Your mother acts like this is her world & you just happen to live in it. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries & expecting your mother to respect them. She doesn’t sound like a woman who cares about your boundaries, however. Honestly, this woman seems quite used to getting her own way & she doesn’t really care what you think. I would simply tell her, after 2 or 3 days in your tiny apartment, perhaps she should consider a hotel.
NTA ,you’re an adult and it’s your right to exist within your own space without feeling constantly sick from the stress. Surely its difficult to navigate having parents from a different background where hospitality is big when you grew up here with a whole different sets of standards and boundaries.(Bekieve me I know my Mother is Carribean and I grew up in Germany too)
But at the end of the day this whole “why can’t you be more like so and so “/”So and so has no issue in letting me stay as long as I want ” yada yada had its origins and a long long time ago there were reasons things like that were possible. They aren’t possible now. End of. You can’t expect your child to grow into an adult with all the responsibilities and none of the rights of an adult. Every relationship demands respect. You’re not an exteemsion of her nor should you be. If you say those are your boundaries you can very well establish …consequences you know ? Otherwise she will bank on you letting it slide.