It has been 3 Christmas that I know my elder sister, G, isn’t the daughter of my father. I know bc my dad told me 4 years ago.
(Note : I have a different mother from G and my other sisters mentioned in the post)
Her mom was left alone by G’s dad and when she married with my dad G was almost 3 yo. He officially recognised her and raised her. The only difference is her birth. My dad had 2 other daughters with her mom. And both of them know G is adopted. They found out by themselves and talked about it together.
The only reason I know is because my dad is in prison, he was for the last 3 years, for very good reasons. And he told me before going to prison. Ig burdening me with family secrets is his hobby.
I took a lot of time to talk to G’s mom, so that she understands that G may learn about it during the judiciary procedure. And she still doesn’t want to tell her because "what if she hates me / what if it hurts her".
G turned 50 y.o last year. She has two grown up daughters that will soon leave the house. When I talk to her about her life, she had every word an adopted daughter would have about their feelings of misplacement in a family, need of leaving the house early because something feels wrong, being the distant daughter… She just doesn’t know. It would just make so much sense for her to know, it would definitely help her.
I am sick of keeping a secret for my asshole dad and for a coward mother that don’t know the hurt is already far well and done. I want to free myself and relieve my sister that has been going through an identity crisis with menopause, childs becoming adults, and her dad going to prison. She deserves to know.
(My two other sis are neutral and won’t tell her)
Wait, so your sister is 50? NTA; even if it’s just for medical reasons, she know.
Yup, dad is 70, and I’m 28 (from a second marriage)
Thanks for your reply!
Definitely NTA. Tell her, she deserves to know and should have found out decades ago. Facts
NTA. It’s not really a secret if she is the only one who doesn’t know it.
Yeah, that’s outright decades of cruelty.
INFO: You keep saying that the damage is already done to your sister G and it would just give her answers, but you also mostly focus on how it would unburden you. Are you sure that this is really about what’s best for G and not what’s best for you? Would it really make a difference in G’s life to know this information Now? She’s 50, not five. She spent her entire life thinking one person was her father. Do you have any comprehension of what that psychologically could do to her on the downside? You’re advocating here that it would make things make sense for current emotional issues she’s having. You’re doing a lot of assuming. It could also devastate her.
My current inclination is you should not tell her because it’s not your business to do so. Your dad never should have told you this information, however, it feels like you just want to stop holding the secret and it’s about your comfort, not what’s best for G
Parents are SO wrong to not inform their adopted children as soon as they are old enough to understand. And keep introducing that fact as they grow up. You should tell her. It’ll validate her feelings about being “different” in your family, for one thing. It’s still an issue for her at 50 yrs old. Adopted children will eventually find out. All your sister would need to do is submit her DNA to one of those websites people looking for family use. Your parent’s lack of understanding about this had had a negative impact on your sister. Tell her. And when your mom gets upset at you tell her the reasons, which I have outlined. YWNBTA UpdateMe.
I dunno. I was 52 when I found out and suddenly the world made sense. I had always suspected. The one thing that bothers me is that people knew/may have known and no one told me.
Also, OP said there is reason to think the upcoming judiciary case might out everything. If this should happen and she finds out her family members lied to her all these years, she’ll be crushed. Better it come from a sister.
NTA Tell her. I have a cousin like that. Her mother was pregnant with her when she married the man she grew up thinking was her father. The man didn’t know either but he died during her childhood. I’m not close to this cousin and haven’t seen her in years but I found out the family secret, and that lots of people know about it. It’s so crappy to have people knowing something so personal about you and you don’t know.
NTA. She shouldn’t be the only one to be left in the dark about somehting like this. But be prepared for some backlash, because she might not like it, that you didn’t tell her for three years.
She should/deserves to know. Medical reasons are a top priority. But she might have other blood relatives out there, too, and may want to explore that avenue. If so many people know already, I can’t believe she hasn’t heard it. She will certainly not be happy with those who kept it from her. NTA
NTA. It sounds like she needs to know to help sort herself through this crisis she’s having (common for her age and present life events, but very valid!).
I was concerned at the beginning bc I thought everyone was young, but it’s a shame she’s 50 and hasn’t been told.
My grandmother had an affair while her husband was deployed in the 60’s.They had already had 3 children together when he left and during his deployment he was captured as POW and held over a year (to this day ,he has no finger nails after being pulled off while prisoner)During this time,my grandmother an affair and becam pregnant and had no access to abortion so when her husband came home ,she was mid term.I didn’t find out that the man I grew up thinking was my grandfather wasn’t any other than that just that but I found out when I was 11.After that ,my dad opened up and told me everything.My grandmother was ashamed and refused to tell my father who his birth father was .She still to this day won’t give him any details about the situation or who he was and refuses to talk about it ,even when she knew it was seriously affecting my dads mental health and his life .He was treated differently than his siblings as a kid felt like he didn’t belong.Suprisingly,it wasn’t His “dad” that treated him differently but my grandmother.. She’s always been cold and pretty emotionless with my father and that treatment was extended to me .While shes always bragged about my cousins and sent gifts and cards,I have never been treated equally to her other grandkids .If it was so hurtful for me when I was young,I know how deeply it hurt my father .He recently took a DNA test and while my grandmother STILL refuses to talk about it ,he was able to find siblings and the name of his biological father ,who passed long before he found them . My grandmother is such a selfish person and she robbed him of a relationship with his bio dad and has never so much as offered even a simple apology.My father found so many answers that he has been looking for for so long and It gave him a peace he had never had before.Your spot is a tough one and if you were younger,I think I might say it’s not your plac but with her being older and later in life,I DO think telling her would be the right thing.Not only for her but for her kids and her kids kids and so on ..Knowing your family history and past becomes more and more important as you get older ,not to mention the importance of medical history of immediate relatives .If she already voices how she felt out of place growing up,she must have thought about the possibilities.I think you’ll give her peace and answers to questions she didn’t even know she had .
Your father is an AH for telling you this before he told her. Give him an ultimatum that if he doesn’t tell her soon you will.