I (25F) wasn’t a very good kid. Compared to my siblings or my friends, I think I was very much a kid that had to be dragged rather than raised. I feel incredibly guilty because I know my parents had a hell of a time managing me, and they deserved a much easier go of it than they got. I’ve also turned out well solely because they were so persistent with me. I don’t know what would have become of me if I hadn’t had them. I was always getting suspended from school and always in detention.
Sometimes my parents make jokes about how I was a tricky kid to raise- most recently- we were in a restaurant and my mum was coo-ing at a lovely little baby at the next table over- but all my parents could say was how amazed they were at how well behaved the baby was- how they never had that, and how they just couldnt leave the house for ten years because I’d never have sat still and quietly in a restaurant. I know this was true, and I still feel so incredibly guilty because I know they deserved a better kid… but I feel if I tell them the joke hurts im saying they cant say what is obviously true, and im making myself the victim in what was a struggle for them that was my fault, but also it really upsets me. I know theres no way to adress it with nuance because it just feels attention seeking to even imply I know I was a terror.
WIBTA if I said something, or is this just the consequence of being a little terror as a kid. I don’t want to appear ungrateful, I owe them everything I have
You can write them a note in which you state your concerns.
NTA. You were a kid. How you acted as a literal child was not and still is not your fault. You have every right to be upset over them making those comments.
Please don’t beat yourself up over the actions of yourself as a child; you were a kid, some are calm and some are less so, but that’s normal.
YWNBTA imo. You might have been a terror but you were a kid…as a parent I would hate that I was unintentionally hurting my child by making jokes and I would much rather know. Bring it up at home when it’s just the three of you and no onlookers so they don’t feel embarrassed, and stick to how it makes you feel now rather than your behavior then, and hopefully they will be understanding ♥️
Absolutely say something.. Tell them how you were a child and it hurts when they still blame you for it.. Which btw, is not okay, you were a child..
NAH- Your parents are well within their right to make lighthearted jokes at your expense but you’re also allowed to feel upset and hurt because of it, even though it doesn’t seem like their intention was to make a dig at you.
This just seems like a bit of a tricky situation all around but I think the best course of action is to just laugh along with them, you’re a different person now compared to who you used to be and you shouldn’t let that guilt hang over you forever. Just try your best to make an active effort to be there for your parents in your adulthood to make up for whatever hell you raised in your childhood
But also if it really bothers you that much then definitely say something instead of suffering in silence! Yes it may be an uncomfortable conversation and you might not feel that you have a leg to stand on but your feelings should still be heard regardless.
The example you’ve given sounds rather mundane and common. Certainly not enough to really feel guilty about. Unless they’re making multiple comments daily then I honestly see this as a bit of a nothing burger.
That said, if you’re feeling a way about it then there is nothing wrong with being open and honest about that so I’d have to say YWNBTA. I think you really should figure out why it bothers you so much before you say anthing though.
I think you should tell them. Obviously NTA. But I also think you should know that they probably joke because humor is probably what helped the situation all of these years.
You can cry or laugh, and they choose humor. And its easier to joke about it now, because the situation is over. You grew into a fine young adult.
I think if you express all of this to them in an appropriate time and setting, it would be a wonderful thing for all of you. What you have expressed here is very reflective and self aware. You acknowledge the difficulties they had during your upbringing, and you credit them with the growth you have achieved. Because you are feeling the hurt over comments, I think it important to have that conversation, but to have it in a thoughtful and pre-planned way, and not in a reactive way.
NAH
They may not know that it bothers you, and there’s nothing wrong with bringing that up.
But you sound like you still feel guilty about this, and you need to know that you are not at fault for a temperment you were *born with*.
Have you been diagnosed with anything later in life that wasn’t obvious when you were a child?
no. but they were always very resistant to any suggestion there might be something- i cost them thousands when they had to fight the school wanting to move me into special ed because I used to do all my schoolwork wrong on purpose, so I think they were always very resistant to anything that might have suggested there was something. As an adult I’ve never officially revisted anything- I have suspicions that ADHD probably fits quite well, but that could just be too much time on social media speaking. I’m doing well now anyway, so there would be little benefit in seeking diagnoses out now.
Speaking as a parent: we don’t “deserve” good/well-behaved children. We get kids with their own personalities and quirks, and for the most part, deal with them as best we can. I’m sorry that you seem to feel that you weren’t/aren’t “good enough” for your parents.
Re diagnosis: just because you’re an adult now doesn’t mean you wouldn’t benefit from a formal diagnosis. It may help you to understand yourself better and suggest coping strategies. Or of course you might find that you’re perfectly “normal”!
NTA
Depends on how you approach it. If it bothers you that much, maybe talk about it with a counsellor or trusted friend. Unless they are being mean about this and bringing it up all the time around you, this is a you problem. It seems you really understand and appreciate how hard they worked to raise you. That is an amazing expression of love towards you. Why are you interpreting these comments as jabs towards you all these years later? Please examine this before engaging them about these comments. If you are still hurting even after reflection, gently discuss with them. Sounds like they really care about you.
INFO; do your parents say this in a way that seems intentionally designed to make you feel guilty or responsible, or is this guilt entirely self-created and something you know they don’t intend you to feel?
If this is within yourself, I think you need to work on forgiving yourself. You can’t be held responsible now for how you were as a baby and young child. Even for how you were in school, the main thing is whether you learned, changed, and matured, growing out of those phases; you don’t have to wear a hair shirt for life because of how you were in your tweens and teens.
I think your focus should be on how you are now as a person. You can be grateful to your parents and create and maintain a good relationship with them now, but carrying outmoded guilt around with you is just going to weigh you down and distort your thinking and your relationship with your family.
Even if you suspect your parents do want you to feel guilty now I don’t think that it would be helpful to your relationship with them or for your own well-being to buy into that. If the behavior they are bringing up isn’t your current behavior then the person they are complaining about no longer exists. You are not the child you were then anyway. Maybe you need to forgive and let go of that child so you can move on, even if they keep bringing her up.
I might be an outlier, but I think your parents are being pretty terrible here. It sounds like they refused to have you evaluated so that you could be properly treated and supported for whatever was making you resistant to “being raised.” That is not on you. Neurodivergency is a humongous roadblock to developing typical social and academic skills for some people.
Your parents made you and were responsible for raising you. That would be true no matter what the situation had been. That’s the risk we all take when we have children, and the responsibility that we volunteer to have.
Tell your parents that these comments are unfair and hurtful. Constantly guilt tripping your children for their childhoods is a big sign of emotional immaturity, and not one to be tolerated.