I (32f) am engaged to my fiance (33m). We have been together for 3.5 years and live together.
My fiance has expressed in the past that he gets irritated when I back out of things. Sometimes I’ll tell him I’m too tired or don’t feel up to going out to dinner etc.
I’ve been trying to get better. I push myself to go when I don’t feel like it. The past 2 weeks have been rough.
About 2 weeks ago, I had one of the most painful periods of my life. The cramping and nausea were awful. That Saturday, I still pushed through and did all the shopping with my fiance for a 10 person Friendsgiving for the following week. On Sunday, we drove an hour each way to his parents’ for dinner.
About 10 days ago, I developed a painful and embarrassing stye. My whole eye has been swollen, and I have been unable to open it completely. I still cleaned and worked hard to host 10 people for a Friendsgiving.
This week, we travelled to my parents for thanksgiving and attended another Friendsgiving.
Finally, today is his family’s thanksgiving. My Stye got much worse, and I went to urgent care this morning. The doctor said it was infected. They lanced it (without anesthetic), and now I am home. It’s still swollen and painful (and pretty gross tbh).
Before all of this, I’ve been going through a rough patch of depression. I found it hard to get out of bed even without the painful periods and eye infection. I lost it and cried on the way home from the doctor with my fiance. He said I didn’t have to go today.
We were home for an hour. I had to run out to pick up my meds. When I came back, he asked if I was ready to go. He said he wanted me to go. I started crying again, and he agreed that I could stay home.
On the one hand, I feel like a total bitch for not going. I feel like I should suck it up and go. On the other hand, I’m in pain and exhausted. I did a lot for the Friendsgiving (which was his idea and for his friends and coworkers – not mine). I’m just torn.
AITA for staying home?
So much NTA. You have a serious medical situation going on that also happens to be kind of embarrassing (no one likes stuff on their face). You’re uncomfortable and exhausted. You definitely should be getting a pass right now.
NTA if I had the eye condition I would not go either. But you’ll need to address the depression if you want to have a successful relationship. In my opinion. Respectfully.
Nta, you’re human and you need to listen to your body when it tells you to rest. Its unfortunate his family’s thanksgiving landed when it did with you at the end of your rope, but it sounds like youve made a big effort to show up for him and he also doesn’t sound mad at you, maybe sad you couldnt join at the most. Stop beating yourself up, the stress probably isnt helping you recover! Rest and take it easy, sounds like you deserve it 💕
NTA, you went to urgent care this morning and they lanced your eye, so this is not a typical situation where you just changed your mind.
Yes, you need to stop backing out of plans – especially if they include his family/friends, but he needs to be understanding when there’s a legit medical issue.
Am really hoping “he agreed I could stay home” isn’t actually how it sounds. If you truly needed his permission then you have a whole lot of other problems that need addressing.
No you really should stay home and heal. Besides nobody wants to look at an eye infection while eating. You’re so NTA.
Info – What was his reaction to you not coming? If he was bummed but accepted that it was best for you to stay home, I’m not sure what the conflict is and I would say NAH. Your issue became worse, it’s best to stay home.
If he was an ass about it, then NTA. You had a valid reason to stay home, and he shouldn’t be pressuring you.
What do you mean he said you didn’t have to go to his parents? That goes without saying that you don’t have to go. You don’t need his damn permission to stay home when you don’t feel well. Why do you let him bully you? I was exhausted just listening to your post about how much you did while not feeling well. Why would you do that to yourself?
NTA.
Be very concerned about the “he agreed that I could stay home . . . ” thought process. He’s your fiance, your equal, your partner, not your authority figure. He doesn’t get to allow or not allow you to do anything.
NTA stay home rest up and get better. Though talk to your fiancé, you pushed through so much already and went to all the thanksgiving’s and friendsgivings and it got too much for his family’s. Talk to him so that no resentment builds.
You’ve got this. You don’t have to do everything and I hope you feel better soon
Nope not all at. You stay home and rest up this entire weekend. You are running yourself ragged. Give your body a chance to heal. If your fiance doesn’t want what is best for you and your body, you should reevaluate your whole relationship.
What I don’t understand is why the only way you can make this dude consider what you’re going through is to break down and cry? Does he have zero ability to see that you’re in no condition to go anywhere? Do you really believe that you could be the AH? If you truly believe that, then I think your bf is putting some toxic ideas into the relationship sphere. Think about it. He volunteered you to do a bunch of work for him and his friends. He can’t see that you need a break and doesn’t offer one, just expects you to do more.
Seems like a one-sided relationship with you having a lot of unmet needs. NTA obviously.
🫂 The fact that he didn’t go out and get your meds before he left makes it clear who the AH is in your relationship. It’s not you. Please stay home, don’t feel bad about it, and get some healing rest. 🫂👭💜 NTA
I don’t understand why he said you didn’t have to go when you were coming back from the doctor and then asked if you were ready to go. When he gave you the out, did you say “Oh no, I can still go” and then change your mind? If so, stop playing the martyr and stop over exerting yourself. Planning two Friendsgivings and attending two more Thanksgivings is too much. Now is the time (before you marry) to discuss how you will share the holidays with family, friends, and coworkers in a way that is equitable and does not leave most of the work and burden on you. He is free to host his friends and be the primary planner, shopper, cooker, decorator. You are doing too much and will end up feeling resentful.